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He Cheated – Not sure I can get over it

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  • July 13, 2018 at 2:16 pm #216575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MissUnderstood:

    You wrote, “I am almost ‘disappointed’ in myself for staying because it is against what I always said I would do”- this is a problem. You are disappointed in yourself because you broke your own promise to yourself. I can see why this is so difficult for you, beyond his betrayal of your trust in him. It is also about your trust in yourself.

    “Not sure I can get over it” you wrote as part of the title of your thread. I don’t know if you should get over it, in term of continuing the relationship, now that I understand better. It is not that I think what he did is objectively unforgivable and cannot be worked on. It is that your trust in your own promises to yourself is very important.

    I will be away from the computer for about twelve hours. I hope to read from you again.

    anita

     

    July 16, 2018 at 5:31 am #216833
    MissUnderstood
    Participant

    Jayde – What you said  “You should also know, you are enough. In every form and way, you are truly amazingly, enough. This is an opportunity for you to look deeper and get to know yourself, understand that you do not need his nor anyone’s attention or reassurance to feel the amazingness, the wholesomeness of *you*.”   I am working SOOOO hard on this right now!

    Also, the fact that you are saying that it is something within HIM and that he cheated HIMSELF.  That helps me not internalize it so much.

    We are trying to work it out….its been since Memorial Day weekend which is about a month and a half.   OUr 2 year anniversary is next month and I have been trying to focus on all the good memories we have…because really there are so many.

    Thank you for your input.

    July 16, 2018 at 5:37 am #216837
    MissUnderstood
    Participant

    Anita – yes it is a conflict I am having with myself.  I had more self-respect than this…or so I thought.  Or maybe I can think of it as I am STRONG enough to try to forgive and I trust myself ENOUGH to know that if this ever happen again that would be the end for me and I am STRONG enough to make it through whatever the outcome.  Instead of beating myself up for “putting up” with this.  Because really I am not “putting up” with it. I have made it very clear that this is NOT okay and that I do not deserve to be cheated on and I have told him and SHOWED him the hurt this caused me.  Instead of being disappointed I can think of it as WOW – I am even stronger than I thought to be able to forgive and learn from this experience and move forward.   I hope he and I are able to grow from this as we have both made it clear we want to work things out.  I might have to shift my perspective about why I am staying and not feel like I am betraying myself.

    July 16, 2018 at 6:02 am #216855
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MissUnderstood:

    It is possible that the relationship with him will be better than it ever was, in the future. It is possible that it will work well for your benefit. Forgiving your partner for a mistake, an imperfection is part of loving him. And he should do the same for you. When you make a mistake, you can think: oh, this is not so bad. After all, I forgave him for his mistake. I am worthy of him forgiving me.

    I am not suggesting you cheating on him, of course, or intending to mess up the relationship in any way. I am suggesting tolerance for the inevitability of making mistakes, making bad choices that are not too big to be unforgivable.

    Forgiving him would mean no longer talking about his mistake from one point on, not treating him forevermore as guilty-until-proven-innocent and not beating yourself up for staying. Can you do these things?

    anita

    July 16, 2018 at 8:41 am #217023
    MissUnderstood
    Participant

    I cannot say with 100% surety that I can – I go up and down and back and forth.  I will say externally and my treatment toward him will not differ.  I do still love him and want to treat him as such. Inside it is hard to not let my emotions and thoughts run wild but I am trying to get a grip on them.   Hoping time will tell.  Sooner than later.  Thank you for all your help.

    July 16, 2018 at 8:52 am #217029
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MissUnderstood:

    You are welcome. I hope this resolves for you soon enough, this internal struggle. I will be glad to read from you again.

    anita

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