Wow you wrote my story. I am also a 54-year-old bachelor, living modestly, with aging parents and little social life.

I am concerned as I’m not sure how I will get on if I continue to be unable to envision something changing. My work keeps me preoccupied, killing time, which I am grateful for but my weekends can be hell.  I am not depressed though I am sad.  Its becoming more and more difficult to connect to others and a part of me wonders if I might be less sad if I just accept life as it is as based on my actions I must want to be alone.

I have no answers Dustin but I’m begging to think there are a lot of us out there in the same position.

I lost everything due to a bad decision I made in my 40s (when I was supposed to be cruising along at the prime of my career).  I accept the consequences for my actions and the price that I had to pay.

Here’s what helped me get through losing my job, my wife, and a lot of my friends.

At the beginning, I took the view that things could be worse.  It helped me before I got into counseling.

I got into counseling and group therapy.  Having people to talk to who understood what I was going through was a lifesaver.  I wasn’t alone.  Group therapy helped me see others had similar issues and were taking actions to improve themselves.  It also gave me tools.  Counseling did the same and was more in depth because an hour was focused on me.

I also started attending 12 Step programs.  I wasn’t alone.  Others were going through the same things.  Some were in recovery and were thriving.  I found a sponsor who made me work the steps.  I did a lot of writing.  My sponsor called me out when I wasn’t fully looking at myself.  My counselor did the same.  There were times I didn’t like either of them because it hurt to accept certain things and to start taking actions to change them for the better.

I called people in my group therapy daily in the beginning since isolation is horrible.  It was a requirement for a while.  I didn’t want to do it, but I never felt alone when I was talking with people for several hours a day.

I started going to breakfast with people from group therapy and coffee with the people from the 12 Step groups.  I didn’t feel alone and it was good to get out and around people.

I attended 12 Step groups almost every day in the beginning.  I needed to be around people to not feel alone.

I learned that I had to take the next best action (whatever it was, i.e. looking for work, making calls to people, working the steps).  The feeling (feeling better, less stress, etc.) followed taking the next best action.

Getting out around people who were going through similar problems really helped me.  I never felt isolated and had faith that things would get better having heard other people’s stories of losing it all and working hard to get back into a good place.

Your issue isn’t the same, but the general principals work.  Get involved in some sort of group so that you are around people.  That is the key since we’re social creatures and isolation is hard on ones mental health.  If you have an issue that might be resolved by a 12 Step group, you’ll likely get phone numbers of people who will talk to you about what your facing.  That can be a lifesaver.

Go to counseling, if needed.  Sometimes it was just talking about what was going on.  Other times it was talking about how I felt everyone hated me.  Other times it was my therapist giving me tools to make myself a better person.  It was worth the money I spent (and it was expensive, but well worth it).

Take the next best action and the feeling will follow: Start talking to people.  Say hi to clerks at the grocery store or gas station or wherever you see a person.  Start talking to neighbors.  Say hi to people at the golf club.  There are always a lot of people around.  You’ll find people will start to recognize you when you’re around town and it will brighten your day (and theirs).

Smile, since smiling seems to make me feel better.

Keep a journal and write about your feelings.  It doesn’t have to be any particular format.  I’ve done this and it really helps calm me down.  I’ve written things and have felt immediately better after doing so.

Since doing this, I’ve become friends with my ex.  I’ve found work in places I would have never thought of looking.  I’ve become a happier person.  And, I have new friends (since I lost and disconnected myself from old friends when I got myself into trouble).

I see a bright future.  I’m fairly content even though I’m rebuilding.  I try to think of things I’m grateful every day.

It works for me.  I’m not perfect and sometimes feel alone.  But, reaching out and talking to someone about anything always makes me happy.

Dustin, please don’t give up on yourself. You’re not average and somewhere there is someone lovely waiting for you to come into their world. Start joining a club maybe the gym or go walking where others do workouts.   Start chatting to people.  There’s nothing wrong with being who you are. Take the first step and things will change.

Dear Dustin:

I have no doubt that there are women out there, existing not far from where you are living, who would love to live with you, live what you call your boring life. These are women whose life has been chaotic, unsettling, women who moved too often, and/ or who had too many jobs or periods of unemployment, women who were involved with men whose lives were too… interesting. Oh, how relieved such a woman would be to have a life with .. a boring man like you. And she would make it a bit more interesting for you. A quiet, unassuming life, and a vacation from it once in a while, together. Here, I am dreaming for you while it is you who should be doing your own dreaming.

anita

Dear Dustin:

You are welcome. And I do know, even though I know very little about you, still I know that you do have something valuable to offer someone. It is about a compatibility between what you have to offer and what the other person needs, and vice versa.

anita