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Having trouble moving on from my last relationship.

HomeForumsRelationshipsHaving trouble moving on from my last relationship.

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  • #63869
    staranna
    Participant

    After a breakup, people go through six stages of recovery: 1) Denial, 2) Anger 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance, 6) Recovery.

    Bargaining is the stage where most people get stuck. This is the place that determines if you will be heartbroken for a few days or many years. When you bargain, you still allow yourself to hope. Daydreaming and thinking about your ex is a symptom. Asking her to give it another chance is a symptom. Listening to music that reminds you of her and stokes the flames, is a symptom. Looking at caller i.d. and hoping it is her, is a symptom. As long as you hold onto an unrealistic hope that you will get back together, you will suffer.

    Have you ever had an addiction you had to give up? I remember when I quit smoking cigarettes…it helped me to think of cigarettes as an ex-boyfriend that I loved very much, but who was absolutely terrible to me. Quitting smoking was my number one job for a while. Getting over an old love is very much like that. There is, if you are honest, a certain perverse pleasure that comes from thoughts of the past. Often, it is not the person that we miss (if we are honest and have a good memory of all the pain we went through when we were together) but we miss the physical high we felt (because of elevated hormones, PEA, serotonin) or even the physical “high” we get through experiencing stress and drama.

    Thinking about your ex every day is part of that addiction. You will naturally think of her, but it is within your power to choose whether or not you will nourish those thoughts by giving in to them. Yes, you’ll still feel like hell at first, but, give it time, you will feel better. Remember, emotions are not real…they come through you but do not stay. Love is much much more than emotion.

    Remember, most of this is coming from your subconscious. It wouldn’t hurt to try some self-hypnosis tapes…there are many on this subject.

    One very simple thing that can help is to make a list of, say, ten things that give you pleasure (obviously, not involving your ex.) It could be a thought of a person, place, activity, memory. Maybe you could plan your dream vacation, build your own mental castle, write a novel in your head. Give it some thought ahead of time, then when unwanted thoughts come into your head, gently push them away and replace with one of your happy thoughts.

    Sending you love and light!

    #63874
    popi
    Participant

    @R Then it’s easier for you,but i tell you to delete your account ,you did that??
    Ok…there is no temptation to see her profile anymore.Put your pc in the wardrobe,hide it deep into the clothes :p
    Go out for a walk,run as fast as you can so you can forget all of your problems,go to the beach……
    your past hasn’t control in you.Think about it,past can’t be changed…and you don’t care,cause the present is now and you can do a lot of things,feel good,feel happy for what you have,your family your health your job,your friends..etc..
    I let the ex destroy me,i essence i let my thoughts destroy me….Ex can’t do nothing to make me unhappy.
    We make choices..everyday…make a good choice today..FEEL GOOD..do sth for your happiness..and do it it again tomorrow and the next day.
    Nobody can destroy us,our minds destroy us.
    Stop the bad thoughts.Actually, you can’t stop them BUT YOU CAN TURN THEM INTO GOOOOOD! 🙂

    #64014
    Silky
    Participant

    @staranna – what you say is so true and thank you for being so kind. I know I was and still am addicted to my ex. It’s slowly sinking in the what I miss is not necessarily all about her, but my desire to get that love an attention again. And those high moments with her when things were at their best. I fear that I may never love that deeply again. I have fear of moving on.

    I used to be fairly confident and excited about what my future may bring. But now, a year after the BU and a month after turning 40, I’ve lost a lot of hope and confidence. I wasted a year trying to get over my ex and being very depressed and I can’t get that year back. I finally see that light at the end of the tunnel but I haven’t been meeting anyone new. Mostly that’s my fault for not getting myself into those situations.

    Forgive me if this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am just expressing what’s on my mind now. I feel very, very lonely. I miss the companionship of being with someone I love. I miss the intimacy, the activities, doing things for each other, taking small trips, just all of it. Being connected emotionally and physically. And because I do not see any potential for someone to come along, not even if it’s just for sex, makes me very sad (and this is where I may be feeling sorry for myself).

    Sometimes I feel that even though my ex and I were toxic for each other, I had reached the pinnacle of dating with her. If I ever get married, I don’t want to settle. But in order for that chance to happen, I need to meet someone.


    @Popi
    – i can’t and don’t want to delete my social media accounts. my ex did me a favor and blocked me from all of them so, on the bright side, i can’t change my mind and unblock her. I use social media a lot to communicate with friends and family. I blocked her number on my iPhone, that’s the best I could do.

    I think I have been in denial about living in the past. It kind of hit me this morning. I thought I was not doing that as much but I realized I am doing more than I think. Yes, I try to stay in the moment and to be thankful for what I have. If/when I think of the future, I try to stay positive. The hard part is staying in the moment. Being constantly grateful, and always looking forward for the future.

    You see, I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, depression, low self esteem, and abandonment issues for my entire life. I’m just now trying to address it and “fix” it but it’s incredibly hard. It seems so daunting, which, in turn, adds to all the issues I’ve just listed.

    My biggest fear is to grow old, lonely, never have been married, and never had any kids.

    #64018
    popi
    Participant

    @R check this out!

    Archives

    read all of the articles you like.
    everyday.
    you might be a better person,more positive thinking etc.
    This was helpful for me.I suggest it to you,too.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by popi.
    #64061
    Silky
    Participant

    I just found out my ex has a boyfriend and it’s an ex of hers from before me. What I find odd is that he’s very religious and my ex is an atheist. I am not sure why they broke up before.

    But I am very angry right now. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am still alone. I knew she’d be able to find a man at the age of 32 with no job living at her mother’s. Meanwhile I can’t find anyone.

    I should be happy for her but I’m not.

    #64063
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi R,

    I had been through this and gotten through – some how. People have pointed out that anger is usually the second step in the grieving process. While I defer to the experts, I have had anger pop up later, but maybe those were fallback cases. At some point, I have found that I completely processed the breakup. My most recent was 6 months and we did not actually date. Before that the breakup of my marriage was especially hard to get through. There is no timetable, but it is normal to go through an anger stage.

    Google the 5 steps of the grief process. Take a look. Realize you will need some time and healthy support. Take it easy on yourself.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
    #64125
    Jason
    Participant

    Hi R,

    I was moved to register for the site here and join these forums because your post resonates very strongly with me. I hope that what I have to say may make some sort of difference to you in a positive way.

    Like yourself, I am an (almost) 40 year old guy. As I type this, I am sitting in what was once the bedroom of the house I am losing. I will be moving across the country in a couple of hours, driving back to my parent’s house, to try to figure out what I am going to do.

    Came out of a relationship with a wonderful woman who I connected with and love very much. We are still close friends, but losing the romantic part of our relationship was one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with.

    I say these things not to inspire pity or anything, but to illustrate that I have been in a similar place as you. So many relationships failed, so many connections lost. This is what I have learned, and I hope it helps:

    1. It is what it is. Seems simple and even flippant. But it sums up Acceptance, which to me is the most important step of moving forward. She is gone, and nothing I can do will bring her back.

    2. It takes two to make a relationship work. In my case, I certainly played a role in the downfall of our relationship through insecurity and co-dependent behavior. Recognizing this led me to search for the roots of those insecurities and I’m working on those things. She also played a role, and I cannot be responsible for the role she played. The same is most likely true for your situation as well.

    3. I want somebody. I want a partner to share life with. However, I do not NEED somebody. Being happy and whole in my own skin is something that is new to me, and it is still a work in progress. The ability to look back at times in that relationship and others which caused me pain is good because I have been able to laugh and be glad that I don’t have to deal with THAT particular brand of strife. Try new things, new hobbies, go new places. Try to look at it from a perspective of now you are not chained down with obligation to anyone but you. You are free!

    I wrote journals to deal with my strife and pain. I wrote letters to her that I never sent and never would. But venting that pain, getting it out of your head, is crucial.

    Most important I think is time. There is no formula that says you should be over it by now. It will happen in its’ own time, but you can help the process along. Vent, work on yourself, move forward.

    I read this over and I hope it does not come across snarky or mean. I mean it with the best of intentions. There is so much more I could say about where I have been and what I have done to get past it, and if you want any help or advice or anecdotes I am happy to share.

    #64130
    Silky
    Participant

    @Big Blue – I feel that I have spiraled through the stages of grief except for acceptance. I think I was in denial when I used to tell people, and myself, that I don’t want her back. I think there was always a part of me that wanted us to get back together and now it’s really official that I most likely will never see or hear from her again.


    @Jason
    – Thank you so much for your post. I’m sorry that you’re going through a similar situation. And your post definitely did not come across in any negative way. It does help to read your words and suggestions.

    I felt like I was getting better but now that I know my ex is in a relationship, I feel like I’ve taken a major setback.

    My main problem now every time I close my eyes, I picture them together, having sex, or just being happy together. How can I stop those thoughts? I really just want to stop thinking about her. For crying out loud, it’s been almost a year.

    #64181
    Jason
    Participant

    You can’t stop the thoughts so long as you focus on them. If you feed them, they will keep coming around. I truly think there is an addiction mechanism at work when it comes to this type of situation. Though on one level you don’t want to think about her, on a deeper level it satisfies a need for certainty. You really can’t know what they are doing, so you fill in the blanks yourself. And it hurts, but nothing is more frightening than the fear of the unknown.

    It helped me a lot to become more conscious of my own thoughts. Do some research on intrusive thoughts. When thoughts turn to her, practice recognizing it and addressing those thoughts. Be gentle with yourself, but firm at the same time. Practice being at peace with uncertainty. This goes for what she is doing and your own future. Easier said than done, of course. But it gets easier with practice, it really does!

    #64562
    Silky
    Participant

    @Jason and everyone else:

    I did look up intrusive thoughts and I definitely have that problem and it doesn’t only pertain to the relationship.

    The other weekend I tried something that I haven’t tried before. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep when once again, the thoughts of my ex with this new bf of hers came rushing through my mind. Instead of trying to think about something else, I let the flood gates open.

    At first it was scary. I felt all the emotions that came with all of the thoughts of her and both of them together. I felt a lot of pain, disappointment, longing, and everything else. I just let those thoughts and emotions come. Eventually they subsided and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up the next morning feeling better but I knew I wasn’t cured. Since then, I’ve been feeling better but of course I have my good days and bad days. I think today I’m having a bad day.

    Today, on the way into work, I starting thinking about all the things I miss about my ex. There are many unique things about her that I loved. I miss the way our senses of humor matched, the grooming she did for me, and a lot of the other characteristics she had that no one else I’ve ever dated, had. I know I won’t find someone else that have those and it saddens me.

    But, there are also things my ex did during our relationship that really hurt and upset me too. Like breaking up with me 5 times and leaving me with an apartment that I am finally getting out of this month. You know what else is weird, I’m happy about leaving my apartment because there are so many bad triggers but I am a little sad too. This is the last and final tie I have with my ex even though she’s been gone for a while and that we’ve been apart longer than we were together.

    My family and close friends all say that I dodged a bullet with my ex, that all the problems she caused me and the relationship are now her new BF’s issues.

    But, it does hurt and sadden me that she’s sharing her life with her new BF making new memories and totally forgetting about me. This is my assumption, but I don’t know if that’s true. Other friends and family think this new relationship with an old BF of hers is weird and reeks of desperation because she’s a hardcore atheist and he’s a reverend. Isn’t it true, the reverends aren’t supposed to have premarital sex?

    Anyway, I guess I miss the idea of my ex and/or just the good memories. I have to tell you though, the good times with her were the best of my life. And I can’t ever forget that, and I think that’s part of my problem of still holding on to that tiny glimpse of love and happiness with her.

    #64619
    elephantgirl
    Participant

    Hey R,

    I feel the same as you do. It is now 9 months since i and my ex broke up but i stuck in the past and i m still missing him. I am asking the same question everyday if it is normal that after 9 months still being in love. I am living now in a foreign country (he is native here). My friends say that what i feel is not love but just being alone in a foreign country so i have to turn back to my country then everything will be fine. I am not sure if this is love, or low self-esteem or whatever. But i am waking up everyday with his name in my mind. He has moved on already and he is dating with a new girl, and i am feeling a big pain inside. I dont know what to do.

    And about your age issues i turned 30 and it is also a turning point for a woman. I can understand your feelings. All my friends around me have either married or have a long term happy relationships. I feel unsuccessful and blaming on me about the breakup. Because i figured out after this break-up that i am a very difficult person to be satisfied and i m not good at showing my feelings and my love. I feel like it was me who destroyed this relationship and feeling guilty is making me stuck in the past.

    we have to concentrate positive things and all the advices above are right, i hope we can apply them practically..

    Take care,

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by elephantgirl.
    #64703
    Silky
    Participant

    @elephantgirl

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Something that helped me was to finally let go of all the thoughts of my ex and her new guy. What I mean by that is I tried to fight off those thoughts but one night, in bed, I let all the thoughts and emotions regarding my ex flow. I felt all the emotions and could visualize her and them. I just let it all come through my mind with no judgements. It helped.

    You know it’s really great that you can look inside and see your flaws but don’t blame yourself for everything. It takes 2 to be in a relationship.

    So, there’s been a change. I saw a tweet from my ex that she made on August 20th. She was sh*t talking about me without mentioning my name. Now I am really angry. I actually can’t stand my ex now. I realize how immature she is.

    I’m only sad because I really did love her. I loved her like no one else in my life. She’s gone and not coming back, and I think that’s a good thing.

    #64705
    elephantgirl
    Participant

    @Silky Thank you for answering.

    I read your story above. I am sorry for the times you suffered. Actually she hasn`t found a new love, she came back together with her ex-ex bf. She seems to be confused. Please do not be angry to me but i do not think that would be problem that he is so religous and she is atheist. If they know that from the beginning and accept each other in that way, it wont be a problem.

    Silky there is no hope for my relationship too. We met today and he was telling me his new dates. What do you think should i keep listen his stories about girls? I am feeling sad if i hear but if i do not listen then i wonder what is going on in his life. I dont know what to do.

    #64706
    elephantgirl
    Participant

    Hey Silke It s me again. May be she didn`t mention you on her tweet. Even if she is what are you planning to do? Are you going to answer in some way. Sorry i cant help you, i am good at listening but about advices i am getting locked.

    #64719
    Silky
    Participant

    @elephantgirl – oh, I am not upset at all. In fact, I truly appreciate your input and responses.

    I would suggesting cutting contact off with your ex. If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s called No Contact (NC). Every time I had contact with my ex, it hurt me. So, if you don’t want to be hurt by your ex, don’t contact him. Also, the more time you spend apart, the better it will be for you.

    She didn’t mention my name but it’s quit obvious who she is talking about. She was doing it on her Facebook page. And I believe she purposely posted that pic of her and her new-ex-bf on Instagram on purpose.

    I’m not planning on doing anything except my best to move on.

    I’m upset because there will always be a part of my heart that loves my ex even though all this crap we put each other through after the break up. I do hate her right now but there is some love left, if that makes sense. As I’ve said through out – I never loved like this before. I never thought about marrying anyone before. We went shopping for rings.

    I’m sad that we’re almost enemies and can’t even be friends. Maybe it’s for the best.

    I doubt she thinks of me at all or cares about me but I still care about her.

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