Hi Charlotte,

Thanks for your response and the link. I actually saw that the other day. The 2nd to last step is hard for me. If I imagine myself hugging my ex, or seeing her smile at me in my mind, it makes me very sad because I wish it was happening in real life.

Now that I am 40, I am very concerned about that fact that I am single. I’m one of the only people in my circle of friends that is. I’ve asked them if they have any single female friends and literally none of them do. 🙁 The dating pool is a lot smaller now that I am older.

I’ve had a heavy heart for almost a year now and I can’t imagine the damage my body has endured from all the anxiety, depression, and heartache I’ve had. My confidence was shattered too, so I am trying to rebuild it. To top it off, I feel very lonely. I am trying to work on these things but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be and the process in and of itself can be tiring.

@Popi – but don’t you think it’s unusual for people to still be healing when they’ve been apart from their ex longer than the relationship lasted?

This happened to me once before. It took me a year to get over a 6 month relationship. I promised myself I’d never let that happen again and here were are, 11 months out from a 9 month relationship. I was much younger then so I had time. I feel like I am running out of time now. I’m not getting any younger.

My other issue is I don’t know how to be happy being alone. I don’t think I ever have. I know it’s best to love yourself first, before getting into a relationship. I am learning how to do that too.

@staranna – thank you very much for your kind and heartfelt response.

I’m aware that many of my “issues” stem from my upbringing.

And yes, I am trying to learn from this difficult lesson. The aftermath of what it did to me I am still repairing while, at the same time, I am learning from my mistakes.

The only thing about finding a new love is I am not sure I am ready. On one hand, I am very lonely and would like a companion. On the other hand, my self confidence is not where it should be. Who wants to date someone who’s not quite over their ex and who’s still got some baggage? Furthermore, I’m on dating sites right now and it’s pretty awful for me. I’m not really getting any responses. But that’s a whole other topic.

Thanks for reminding me what I should be thankful for. Sometimes I forget.

I will definitely look up Rose Rosetree. Thank you very much!

@staranna – Thank you again for your response.

Yeah, my ex really put me through the ringer. I left out A LOT of info on the dynamics of our relationship. Let’s just say she used my insecurities against me and blamed me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. She dumped me 5 times (yes, 5!) but I kept coming back to her. After our relationship ended, I asked her (more than once) what she thought she did wrong after I told her what I thought I did wrong and she said her mistake was taking me back all those times.

But yes, her physical beauty is one of the things that drew me to her. I know substance is very important in a person too. I’ve also read that relationships where there is a lot of drama can be addicting. I think this is true.

Well, the thing about the dating sites is I’m not getting anywhere. This is my 3rd time on there (my last 2 GFs I met on dating sites) and this time around seems like it’s much harder for me to get a response. I have had several instances where I message a woman, she messages back, then I respond and then I never hear back from her. I’m wondering if some how my insecurities come out in my messages. I don’t think it’s my profile because I’ve had a few female friends review it and I’ve been offered suggestions on how I can improve it, which I did. So, I can’t even get any dates right now! 🙁

Oh yeah, I am trying my best not to stay at home all the time.

I’m slowly learning about how the subconscious affects my actions. The hard thing for me is to be able to control my thoughts and emotions. It’s more difficult than I thought it would be.

I try to look at the glass half full. The other issue for me is the seemingly obsessive thoughts of my ex. They seem to overpower my attempts to stay positive, present, and hopeful for the future. The other battle that I constantly fight is logic vs emotions. Logically, I have accepted and come to terms that the relationship is over, and has been over for some time. My emotions still haven’t accepted it yet and for some reason, my emotions often win.

@popi and @Big Blue – Thanks for your kind responses.

@popi – we’re on similar timelines, it seems. my relationship was 9 months and on September 26th, it will be one year. 🙁

@Big Blue – Thank you for that list of questions. I do need to ask myself those things more often.

What do you all recommend for this: Every morning the first thought I have when I open my eyes is of my ex. I know we are in control of our thoughts but this doesn’t seem like it’s in my control. It annoys me that she is still my first thought and that’s how my day begins. I have to fight off those thoughts and emotions from that point on. How do I stop these thoughts of her when I first wake up?

@popi – my ex did me the favor by blocking me. I blocked Instagram from myself because although I’m blocked through the app, I can still see her profile by going to the Instagram website.

I guess I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like I’ve tried just about everything. Perhaps I need to sustain everything I’ve been trying. Sometimes I give up when I don’t think I’m getting the results I want.

Yes, I am worried that I am now 40 and have spent almost a year hurting and trying to move on from my ex. Like I’ve said before, I think getting back in touch with her in April/May and us trying to reconcile really set me back all over again. :'(

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Silky.