I’m sorry that you are so sad and in so much pain. I understand the feelings you have, because I’m in my own perfect storm too. It’s overwhelming. Do you have anyone who has been there for you in all of this except your loving husband? Perhaps you need to find that person. I’ve been reading too, and I’ve especially liked reading Brené Brown, who talks in great length about shame and guilt, and perceptions. If you haven’t read them, please do. One is “The Gifts of Imperfection” and the other is “Daring Greatly” My life blew up and I’m trying to make it back. There are days I cry everyday, and then there are days when I think there’s a tight enough band aid around my heart only to have it yanked off again.
There are days, I talk and cry to my dog, who loves me unconditionally and looks at me to say…let’s go outside and have a long long walk. Having a change of scenery and trying to focus on nature helps for a time. I have made a commitment to journaling, trying to find a daily affirmation…a small one, an achievable one that helps me find hope and to try again. Forgiving myself…well, that’s a work in progress. I volunteered to do some service work for a charity, and that seems to help the mantra of ” I am a good person, with a good heart with lots to offer others.” It is a great distraction to stop those inner voices that are so destructive.
The perfect storm seems like the tallest mountain, the highest building in the world. It’s one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Dig a bit deeper, you’re stronger than you think and only you can start building a fresh start. I’m trying too.

I hear you. I have had a huge loss as well. but more about mine later. You say you are sober, and had been 25 years! Wow! It was a power greater than you and there still is. This loss could not have been to kill you, or even leave you in the state you have described.. I have experienced all the things you mention and after enough time and with some professional help, I have let go and moved on. Fear seems to be driving you and crippling you. In my opinion, getting well is the same as step one, except instead of the drugs/chemicals you would say pain and grief. It is unmanageable and you seem to be powerless over it all. Either God is or isn’t. I went to an intense workshop of trauma out in Wickenburg, AZ at The Meadows, inspired by Pia Melody. It is a week long workshop for survivors of adult trauma. I think that helped, but the real turning point came when I was done. just like in step 1 as well as step 12. There is a solution and having had a spiritual awakening I try to stay awake in a very physically dark place. We become divine. We remember our divinity. Your husbeand only slipped out of his body he is not gone forever. He is spiritually still with you. We are originally spiritual and go through a time.life with a body, but death dos not end us. I helped my son starve to death and watched his spirit leave his body. It came all over me. I can get in touch with him at any time I will simply meditate and leave the planet from within. He is with me and I am with him forever.

I also wanted to say that the 12 steps do work, without fail. Just knowing that you do not have to do this unaided or in any way alone will eventually sink in and your foundation of I cant, He can and I’ll let Him–will appear. You have nothing to lose and you really can’t. mess it up. The circumstances are only distractions, not really relevant because if we were required to do something we would screw it up every time. I do believe you can slow the process down with the distraction of victimization, but this did not happen to you without divine intent. I know that is hard, but it is still true. Remember faith without works works! This works even if we don’t work it,because in that much grief you can’t really function. Rest. Breath in life and breathe out death. Remember, remember and stay awake. You have already arrived.. .