Hi,

That is a whopper of a story. Im so sorry you have had so much pain and difficulty in your life. It sounds like you have identified a pattern within yourself that revolves and begins from a young age about your sense of self. Im sure your therapist has told you, people who have difficulty with self esteem and self image also have difficulty with intimacy and abandonment issues also. It seems you know this. What occurs is we crave intimacy but we fear it as we dont ever want people to see who we truly are, as surely they will see who we really are and leave us. Its the proverbial rock and a hard place. So to satisfy this need to be close we participate in activity that attempts to substitute it and keep us at a safe distance. Sex is a common one. It becomes what value we feel we have in their lives, i.e. providing sex, and it makes us feel close in return. As something that bonds us, however a physical bond is rarely sustainable. Without true vulnerability and intimacy.

I would suggest you worry less about loosing him, and focus more on loving yourself. Fear is a instinctual emotion. When we perceive a threat, it triggers our primal brain to begin reacting in irrational ways (fight or flight). Whatever we have to do to protect ourselves from what it is we fear or to keep it from coming to fruition. You fear loosing him. I would suggest you attempt to work on a point of view where you value and want this man in your life. However, where you dont feel a compulsory need of him in your life and throw up all the boundaries to keep him. If you can love and respect yourself for you who are, and appreciate his influence in complimenting your life however not completing it. I think a lot of your fear of loosing him will release control over you.

You will be able to act in a more confident way about who you are, i.e. all the reasons you deserve to be valued aside from just providing sex. In addition to not being so threatened that he is masturbating. Big ups to him for respecting this as an insecurity of yours and stopping for you. However, I would suggest its not an attack on you personally or your value to him. Im sure he loves you for a lot more than the fact you lay down with him. You just need to convince yourself of that also. Trust him to make his own decisions without fear they are slighting you or your value to him. If he wants to whack it, as long as he is still paying appropriate levels of attention to you and its not bordering emotional neglect, who should care?

One thing I will give you immense kudos for is the comment “I decided that the fact that I thought about this so much meant that i hadn’t communicated with him properly” This is a big realization that will aid in the health of the relationship. Be proud you called yourself on it!!! A relationship simply can not maintain without proper communication. If we let ruminating thoughts and fears continue to rattle around in our head and do continued damage to our psyche.

Personally, I think you have a really good grip on this in an intellectual way, you identified the problem, and its origin. I would ask the therapist to start moving on from the “whys” and start getting into ways and exercises to assist you in coping with your anxiety and fear related stress that causes the compulsive behavior or checking around the house. I think therapy is a great thing, but sometimes they will just let us talk and talk not really doing much healing.

I by no means a professional, but I might also suggest joining a message board for sex addicts. Im not calling you a sex addict, but I am familiar with a lot of the trauma that causes the condition, and the hardships it creates in a relationship. I see some similarities, and they may be able to relate on a deeper level. I simply suggest it as a resource to use as a sounding board for people who may be more familiar and able to offer advice on your particular issues, and support you while you search to heal from the trauma from your childhood and first marriage.

You deserve to be loved for the wonderful person you are. Sex is a great part of sharing a connection with just one special person. I hope you can heal to a point where you can truly enjoy it for what it is, and not let it define your worth or value as a partner.

There are some all stars on here that do a great job of providing spot on support and methods of reflection and becoming centered spiritually. In a much more condense ways than I. I tend to fold more on the scientific crease. I hope maybe I assisted in some way? You are moving in the right direction, I wish you the best.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by Chad.