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Haunted by past mistake

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  • #63120
    Zach
    Participant

    Im new to this site, but I liked reading the advice so I figured I would address my issue and see if anyone has any advice. Im seeing a therapist and shes been a tremendous help, but it always helps to get advice from others. Well.. a little over a year ago I met a friend via twitter who just so happened to be an adult actress (no its not a joke) and I bought her some things off her Amazon wishlist and we exchanged numbers and became I guess what you could call “friends” She sent me pics/videos in exchange for gifts etc. She even came down for a concert and got me on stage with Janes Addiction and we hung out after which was altogether a surreal/awesome experience. She is always super busy and at times if I didn’t hear from her for days I would think that I was doing something wrong and bothering her..and my numerous texts would end up making her mad when she wasn’t even mad at me in the first place, just busy. I spent a lot of money on this person and now im in somewhat of a debt crisis (its manageable, just will take a lot of time) She meant to do a whole lot more things for me, but with managing bands and her hectic schedule it didn’t always happen quickly. Also, when I was being annoying and needy I felt bad for doing that so I would send her gifts to make up for it also. She even blocked my number for a few weeks once.. then an entire month later, but we always kept talking. During the last break of our friendship I had a panic attack and finally broke down to my mother and then I decided to seek some help for my anxiety and depression which this recent event played a big part of. I ended up buying her some more stuff before she left on tour again then the next evening I felt so bad I sent a goodbye email and I haven’t heard from her since.
    I know I did the right thing and that friendships shouldn’t be based on what you give someone and what they give you in return. The hardest part for me is just letting go of my past. Its done, I cant change it. I know contacting her again would lead me right back to where I was in worse debt so I just want to know how to move on and feel better about myself when I am in so much pain. I cant undo the past or re-do it. I am beating myself up over this daily and honestly part of me still misses her as a friend, even though I know it was a very unusual and unrealistic friendship. I am 32 and just worried that this will stay with me the rest of my life and tear me apart. Sorry if this is too long, its my first post on here.

    Thank You,

    Travis

    #63170
    Matt
    Participant

    Travis,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how women sometimes make us crazy. 🙂 Be thankful that you are only left with some debt, Van Gough was left with only one ear! Sometimes we become afraid that we’ve been somehow stained or ruined by an unhealthy situation,but that is false. We get ensnared, but we keep breathing, and we heal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that you were giving her affection from a heartfelt place. Perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest dynamic, material exchanges aren’t a great foundation, but still, you were doing your best to connect and show your affection. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you’re still a good hearted man, and are not the first to spend a fortune to woo a lady. And, yes, of course she is still a lady.

    As far as growing up, so you don’t make the same mistake again, consider spending more time self nurturing, giving your mind and heart tender attention, letting yourself know you’re loved by you. Perhaps go on walks in nature, take a bath with candles, exercise, listen to soft music, or whatever helps yourself relax, unwind, and feel peaceful. Sometimes when we don’t have good self nurturing habits, we flutter like a moth to a flame, no matter the cost. When we do self nurture, our heart becomes stronger, so we can pay closer attention to the costs.

    Said differently, it sounds like she was fun, you had warm feelings for her, and want to have a loving partner. Those are all great! To do it without the debt (financial and otherwise), consider next time trying to find someone that gives back. Apart from that, you did great things! You followed your heart, did your best, gave your all, and learned a ton. Next time, maybe just keep your eyes open.

    For the here and now feeling of discomfort, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, and helps us find our center. Our past pain is like a cloud that can follow us around, mental chatter, self criticism, doubts, and so on. When we practice metta, our mind grows peaceful and smooth, awake in the present moment, sun shining, clouds breaking. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. First we start thinking kind thoughts, then we begin feeling kind feelings. Toward ourselves, and others.

    Finally, don’t be harsh with yourself because of what has happened. There seems to be some added discomfort because of her profession, but that really isn’t needed. We all have jobs, and they don’t define us. She’s a woman, and you felt warmth for her, and that’s all that really matters. Romance is a funny thing, and transcends social expectations without remorse. 🙂 Cultures get ignored, gender gets ignored, and the heart moves us toward the mystery of the dance. Its in our blood. 🙂 If you grow a bit more self nurturing, a bit more self caring, then maybe you won’t also get ignored. Then, doctor, porn star, janitor, man… it won’t matter, because you’ll give your heart, and they’ll give theirs, and the rest is something you two will learn along the way. 🙂

    Namaste, dear brother, may you hold you head high, overcome your remorse, and see again how beautiful you are.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63203
    Zach
    Participant

    Thank you Matt! That was very helpful advice. When I have some free time this weekend I will definitely look up the Metta Meditation. Im already starting to feel better each day and your post definitely helped.

    Thank You,

    Zach

    #63209
    Matt
    Participant

    Travis-Zach,

    You’re welcome, good luck! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63229
    Vollanza
    Participant

    Zach, I just read your post and see that you were given a wonderful and thoughtful response by Matt. I just decided to chime in and give you my 2 cents from a woman’s perspective.

    First of all – never regret being kind and generous to the people you like, love and care about. If they abuse that, then shame on them not you. And please allow yourself time to heal enough so that you will continue to be the same giving soul to some new friend in the future.

    Now as Matt has indicated, you should do some self care and focus on your personal growth. This will help you to heal and get past your present angst. It works. I know this because it’s how I have dealt with my own.

    Keep reaching out and talking out your feelings in forums, with friends, family or even your therapist. Just stick with those who give you constructive feedback and not anyone who will put you down.

    Learn to be quiet with yourself and how to enjoy it. I do this by walking in a nearby ravine and along the water. I marvel at nature and notice all the little things around us in this world. Meditate. Over time you will find inner peace.

    You will grow emotionally. We should never stop growing. And the more you like yourself and are in a good place, the more you are likely to attract a kind and generous person – much the same as you are.

    I have found this to be true for me and it is my wish for you as well.
    Take care,
    Vollanza

    #63305
    Zach
    Participant

    Thank you Vollanza! You and Matt have definitely helped steer me in the right direction and I feel a little better each day.

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