I am 25 now and I too lost my father. Seventeen years ago, he died of a sudden heart attack. It was a devastating day for me, my brother, and my mom because my dad died on his birthday. I guess I am sharing this with you because I completely and wholly know what you are saying, what you mean, I know these feelings all to well, and I just want to say that I am sorry for your loss. When death occurs so close, the point is to start moving forward and I am genuinely happy that you’re in a good place.

The only advice I can share with you is in your own way don’t try to escape from the reality of what happened. My brother, who I am very close to, spent a good 10 years of his life, during his twenties looking outward, in friends, in a girlfriend, or focusing on his academic life then his professional career, all to fill the void of losing his father. My brother, through outwardly seeking the world outside, in order to escape the reality of what happened to him, he neglected to take care of himself from the inside. Avoiding the reality of what is, takes a toll on the heart, eventually the avoidance behavior can manifest in different parts in your life in a negative manner that can be toxic and costly to you and your loved ones. It can even manifest in ways that are unnoticeable to you. So please don’t do that to yourself. Don’t run from what is. Take the time to care for yourself. After all there is only one of you.

Now my brother is 31, and he often tells me that he just wished he faced what was, what happened to him, instead of avoiding in his mind the death of his father. Apparently there is a liberation in fully accepting what is. There is a sense of calmness and peace. In my brother’s words, the key to accepting what is, is to completely let go of the comments in your own head that accompany the tragedy that’s being played in your mind. Separating the two is important, just look at the tragedy without the comments in your head. At that point you may feel sad, then feel sad, you might cry, then cry, you may feel confused, then feel confused, you may feel nothing, then feel nothing, you may feel angry, then feel angry, whatever you may feel let it out, main thing is to let whatever emotion that comes up, let it go, out of you and release it into the universe. Do this in your own personal space where you’re free to be who you are. The closer you get to the facts, to the scenes of the tragedy without reacting to those memories (and the reaction stops when you stop listening and when you stop identifying with your internal dialogue) opens your heart into a space of true acceptance. Eventually you will get to a point where you can think about and talk about what happened without being a slave to your emotions. Sometimes to accept what is, you have to let go of the commentary in your head, that internal dialogue that we so identify with. It’s not an easy thing to do, to shut out the commentary that accompanies the tragedy that’s being played in your head, it’s a choice, a practice. It’s a practice of letting go that has really helped my family and I hope it helps you too.

And as for the family members bothering you about your dad and this whole thing that happened. Tell them or write to them whichever is best for you that, “I am not ready to talk about it because I myself have not fully understood what has happened. Death is an enigma. Something that is shrouded in mystery. There are no real answers. Let me figure out how I should grieve, but reminding me of what happened or showing me pictures will not help me surpass or transcend this tragedy. I need to do this in my own way and it will take time. ” Communicating your feelings in a balance manner is the key to get your point across. If they still don’t listen, then keep telling them until they do because your grieving is your grieving no one should tell you how to let go of your loss. You have to figure out what is best for your soul.

Lastly, I feel like I should mention that I truly am sorry if I wrote anything that you did not resonate with. I don’t know your full story so I may have written something that you do not agree with, so please forgive me for that. My main reason for writing this is to let you know that I feel you, and I understand what you are going through. Through your words I can feel your state of mind and I understand your frustration towards your dad’s side of the family. I’ve been through it myself. I wish you the best and lots of peace. Death is hard to witness, but what’s harder is what happens afterwards, so I get what you mean.
With Love and Kindness,
Winterfront89