Hello Lasse,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through and what you’re still going through. Do listen to that tiny part in you that says to not give up. It’s saved me many times and eventually life did turn around. I was also self-destructive, all the anger had turned inwards.

Essentially, according to my own experiences and belief, you’re stuck because of a hyperactive defence mechanism that was built with the intention to be able to cope with the bullying, but now it’s destroying you. That is one way of looking at the ego: it’s purpose is to consolidate your inner world with the outer world, but things can go totally wrong in that process. It can tell you a lot of crap about what you are, for instance being a victim. Being a victim in a situation is an event, not an identity, but still people can take on these labels and carry them around throughout their lives, whilst resenting the labels and themselves in the process. You as a person are not defined by the events in your childhood. Now you’ve first taken on the belief that you are a victim, and then you fight against in anger. So the cycle both starts and ends in your own mind, but isn’t the actual reality.

For now, don’t worry about forgiving them. That’s my personal opinion anyway. When you feel better about yourself and safer and more content, the forgiveness will come naturally. It’s like grabbing onto something. Right now you’re not able to let go out of fear that you would forever be a victim if you do so. When you truly understand that you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for and you’re able to feel like you’re standing on firm ground, then you can let go. Having said that, letting go and allowing yourself to fall deep isn’t going to kill you either. That’s one way of getting the release and finding your own wings, but if it’s too hard, then there is another way to get there.

You need a lot of love and care right now, so allow yourself that. I like the suggestions given by Big Blue for getting outside of your mind. Being stuck in the mind, going through these things is like a personalised torture chamber, where you keep poking your deep wounds. Don’t poke the wounds. Tend to them. Stop all the hurtful words that spawn in your mind. Don’t listen to them. Interrupt them or just allow them to dissolve. Words hurt and keep you as a prisoner more than you might realise, and words are the only way for you to live through past experiences and narrate them for yourself in the same time. To live through what happened and why and so on. The consolidation of the events. Unfortunately this process produces more false ideas and keeps you away from the reality, which is that actually, you survived. You went through hell and survived. Diamonds form under pressure. You just can’t see it yourself just yet.

So essentially two things that I would want you to do: one is to stop the self-torture through words. If you can’t think anything nice about yourself, don’t think anything at all. That gives you a break from the poking of the wounds that just produce more and more anger and hatred. Secondly, actually practice self-love. Accept that you are loved. That is one of those things that is surprisingly difficult. To accept love means to bare oneself completely and accept yourself as you are. That means being vulnerable and open, and that’s not going to be easy and it’s impossible while you keep attacking yourself. Imagine that there are deep festering wounds within, and you have to start tending to them, or otherwise they’ll just destroy you from inside out. If you saw someone else with such wounds, you’d stop and help. So do that to yourself. Asking for help here is one way of doing self-care, so kudos for that.

Please do keep the interaction going and reach out to others locally as well. Now is a good time to start the healing process and deal with the issues spawning from the past for once and for all.

The Ruminant speaks wisdom.

There is no such thing as a point of no return unless you are actually dead. You are not dead. You live. And you can move towards being kinder to yourself, to turning your anger into constructive action, learning about letting go of the past and your anger.

It’s not going to be easy. But I don’t see that you have an alternative.

Hey Lasse. Your subject line caught my attention. I was where you were for such a long time. I’m only 27, but I still felt like I lived in the pits of hell for eternity. I can feel your pain, and I can only hope that it gets better for you sooner than later. It takes a lot to work through these feelings. I held onto every little thing that happened to me for as long as I could remember. I still have some days where I have issues working through resentments of my past, but I find a way to get through it. I turned to drugs and alcohol for years. It was the only thing that could help me (or so I thought) escape from the reality that I never wanted to be apart of. It numbed me. Though I made a TON of terrible decisions while in my addiction, I found a way to chase the pain away even more. I’ve been sober for 15 months. It’s seriously turned my life around. I don’t know where you’re at on the scale, and I’m not trying to sell it on you, but it has worked wonders for me. I am breaking my anonymity, but I am program. It was a total character reformation for me. It did more than just keep me away from the toxic shit I was doing to my body, but it helped me get through all the pain. It helped me work through my hate, my lack of remorse, my resentments, and thirst for wanting to die each and every single day. I guess my point is, if you do feel like you have any sort of problem with drugs, give meetings a try. Even if not, they have groups for EVERYTHING. They work if you lay all your willingness on the floor. Pain doesn’t diminish over night, but with earnestness, it can wither away. I also got really big into pilates, kickboxing, and working out in general. It channels so much of my inner aggression out while giving me empowerment. Another thing that has aided in transforming my warped thinking is writing. I’ve been keeping journals for years, but for the past year and a half I’ve learned how to write about the GOOD things in my life. Gratitude for the smallest things. Hot cups of coffee, showers, electricity. Sometimes I have to come up with the weirdest stuff to be thankful for to start my day off on the right foot. It definitely also helps to have a friend to hear you out in times where you’re feeling like this. Someone who understands where you’re coming from. On top of that, I even recently started reading up more on Buddhism after I read a book about AA and Buddhism (12 Steps On Buddha’s Path). It made me realize what a beautiful philosophy it is. It made me feel better knowing that people actually live their lives under this code. It definitely also helps me minimize the suffering in my life. Meditation was REALLY hard for me to get into the groove with, but once you have that moment where you really feel beautiful inside, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. I know this was a novel to read, but that’s what really helped this girl through some extremely dark and scary times in her life. I need to keep practicing these routines to this day to ensure I don’t fall back into the masked monster I once meandered with throughout life, waiting for my end. Again, I really hope things perk up for you. Hang in there. Know this stranger is sending you some good vibes. Smile. It’s hard sometimes, but it looks great on anyone’s face!