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HARD DECISION

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  • July 19, 2013 at 4:47 am #38880
    Sharon
    Participant

    I have a hard decision to make.

    I have been invited to the Singapore Grand Prix for 5 days with my new partner (his work is sending us there). So far so good.

    Two days after I arrive in Singapore is my daughters last day of High School and a Family dinner.

    we have been through lots of tough times and have come out through the other side better and stronger.

    I don’t want to disappoint anyone and feel torn between two big event in my life.

    I know this seems a petty thing, but after everything I have been through over the last 3 years with my daughter I feel really stuck in the middle.

    Does anyone have any thoughts?

    July 19, 2013 at 6:09 am #38882
    John
    Participant

    Sounds like your daughter is taking the time to mark this milestone and celebrate a special day. Don’t go to Singapore so you can spend quality time with your daughter during this important time in her life.

    Everyone’s value chain is different, but if you make it explicit, it will help you set priorities.

    Here’s mine: Me > Children > Spouse > Family > Partner > Friends > Community

    It’s not always black and white, but it’s a good starting point from which to help you make a decision.

    July 19, 2013 at 7:32 am #38888
    Laleh
    Participant

    I don’t think we can tell her what to do John, point blank like that. She has the make the decision. Because her heart already knows what she wants. I am reading what you really want between your lines. You are feeling guilty and have fear to say no to your partner is that it?
    So I learned something from Marianne Williamson; Every decision you make has to come from love and not fear. Other wise the outcome will be bad. So think about it; are you going out of fear or love? Do you want to stay out of fear or love? Which one is based on fear and which one is for love. If you really want to be with your daughter but you have the fear of upsetting your new partner then you are making the decision out of fear. Or, if you really want to be with your partner, but have the fear of hurting your daughter or be a “bad mother” in the eyes of others, you are again making decision out of fear. So, no one can tell you which one is correct, your heart does. And no one can judge you for making a decision. So make it out of love and it will be the right one for you 🙂

    Hope this helps
    Love
    Danubelle
    http://www.danubelle.con

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by Laleh.
    July 19, 2013 at 8:23 am #38892
    Matt
    Participant

    Sharon,

    It is unusual for me to disagree with John, but on this occasion his words appear to arise from his own side. Consider that Singapore is an event that is externally controlled, where the respect and support you have for your daughter is something she will always need, not just during those five days.

    My suggestion is to approach your daughter and tell her your conflicted feelings over going or staying. How you wish to continue to nourish her well being. Then ask her what her perceptions are, what she would like. Would a special event such as a weekend away after you get back from Singapore be an appropriate celebration for her beautiful milestone? Our children are far more flexible and dedicated to our happiness than we usually expect. You are conflicted, that is enough. To go or stay is not important as an indication of how much you love her. The love creates the conflict, and it is fine, normal and honorable to seek compromise.

    Does the last day of high school mean as much to your daughter as it does to you? You may very well be making something out of nothing. Obviously if the daughter really wants your presence with her during this time, perhaps you could have a later journey with your new partner. However, most parents care way more than their children over their accomplishments. She may even see it as a graduating of trust and respect, because as she becomes a woman, you treat her like a woman.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 19, 2013 at 8:40 am #38896
    John
    Participant

    I agree with both Matt and Laleh – I’m definitely biased here. For additional transparency, I’ll say that I do have regrets from my past about putting close family relationships / events aside in favour of new lovers.

    At the same time, I think there’s also the issue of being a role model for your daughter and asking yourself, what kind of values do you want to demonstrate to your daughter? In that sense, I like Matt’s suggestion of talking it out with her and modeling a behavior that promotes openness, trust, and maturity.

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