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Handling Negative Friends

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  • #148133
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Isra:

    You wrote: “I feel like I’m ready for new friends. I love mine, but it’s like something is calling me to move on, if that makes any sense. Move on to better things and ‘better’ people (for me)”- yes, it makes sense. You are making sense, and this whole post is sensible; your thinking is clear, logical and wise.

    Your primary responsibility is to promote your own well-being: it is your job, job # 1.

    You tried to help your negative friends and failed. The Consequence to your association with them is that you “feel tired and despondent around them”- and so, to promote your well-being, you have to disassociate from them.

    Of course, need not be rude to them and a no-contact may not be necessary: it is up to you. Whatever it takes for you to continue your healing process, well documented over a year of your posting here, do it. Do whatever it takes.

    If you continue to associate with your negative friends, they stay down and you go down. Who benefits? And when you lose your health, as a result, my goodness, how unwise that would be.

    anita

    #148197
    Mimi
    Participant

    Isra, this situation sounds like the opposite of what I went through.  I was so messed up at your age that I drifted away from all of my good, positive friends and sought out (subconsciously) losers who were like me and who would drink, do drugs, and other “bad” things.  I probably felt like I was less than perfect, in relation to the good friends I had, so I couldn’t handle the comparison in my mind and let them all drift away.

    A few years later, I was doing what you were and getting in touch with who I wanted to be and dropping other friends who didn’t fit with who I was becoming.

    It sounds like you are trying your best to make this change in the kindest way possible, which is very good of you.  Some of your former friends might actually be inspired by you, though mostly you might get negative reactions (like, “what, you’re too good for us now?”), even though you aren’t trying to shut them out entirely.

    The changes you are making sound very good and healthy and it sounds to me like you are handling it all in the kindest way you possibly can.

    Good luck with everything!

    Mimi

    #148355
    Isra
    Participant

    @anita @Mimi

    Thank you both for your helpful replies. It guided my thinking in a better direction, and ultimately I think I look forward to spending a little more time with them before the year is over. We’ll have some last hurrahs at graduation parties, and after that, I get to move on to better things for my well-being.

    Last night I also came to an epiphany that I was trying to build my confidence in myself for the wrong reasons- so that others would see me as confident. I was continuing to work from a place of self-doubt and need for acceptance instead of accepting myself. I believe my final challenge in this chapter of my life will be that of recognizing my innate value as a human being, and that no matter what mistakes I might make (anxiety over future events) or mistakes I have made (past events), none of them detracts from my value. And if people can’t see that, well, then they shouldn’t be in my life in the first place (criticism.)

    I think I have found the root cause for my anxiety… and I haven’t felt this sense of knowing in years. Here’s hoping I can now build myself up and have generalized anxiety pack its bags and move out, because I no longer need it as a defense mechanism. There is no failure- there is only moving forward.

    Thanks again for your replies and I wish you well!

    #148361
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Isra. I like your clear thinking and insights. Wishing you well too! Post anytime.

    anita

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