I just read this article and wanted to share it with all you lovely people:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

It’s reporting the studies made of married couples who have either broken up or stayed together. Those who have stayed together, habitually shared their partner’s joy and gave them attention. These were small things, but they ended up being hugely important. Those who broke up or were unhappy, were constantly scanning for faults in the partner.

This should be a sort of “well, of course” thing, but I have to say that I could all of a sudden see a certain pattern in my past relationships. The bad thing with habits is that they blend into the background and you don’t even notice that you’re doing it. Being sarcastic and mocking might feel like a lighthearted thing to do, but could actually cause distrust.

Here are some excerpts:

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.