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Guy ended things before he moved and is now avoiding me

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • June 3, 2016 at 4:25 pm #106425
    B
    Participant

    I’m locked in an infinite loop of trying to understand this person’s actions– for the most part I am ok about what’s happened but I still find myself trying to solve this problem and it’s taking up a lot of my time that I could be spending on other thoughts.

    It’s been about a month now that I came back from a week long vacation to find that the guy I was dating for almost 2 months and knew/had a mutual crush on for about 3 months before that withdrew suddenly and decided to end things. He told me it was because he is moving for school in 3 months (which we knew before we started dating) and I was satisfied with that answer at first, but afterwards I keep finding myself thinking about it, thinking he was holding back other information (which he has every right to) or thinking it was something about me that he got to know and didn’t like. Rationally, he gave me zero reason to think he didn’t like me and I think I’ve had a very put-together and interesting life and ideas to share with him. He was very keen although a bit awkward and inexperienced and both of us were not very communicative about our emotions. He was extremely curious and supportive of my personal interests, career goals, and pursuits. He genuinely complimented my personality, my skills, my style, etc. He did tell me he liked me and liked spending time with me, which he showed frequently. I reciprocated all of this as well.

    He did most of the pursuing, wanted to take things slowly, and early on apologized for acting oddly because he was planning on moving (but hadn’t finalized which school yet) and didn’t know what he wanted. I was ok with this and just content hanging out with him. We connected on an intellectual level that I had yet to experience in a romantic relationship, and while he was quite different in a lot of ways (very unpunctual, disorganized, and absentminded while I’m very much none of those) I found our differences a source of fun discovery and discussion that he shared with me. Our ‘relationship’ was very easy going and fun and I was looking forward to seeing him when I got back so I had a hard time understanding why he so easily wanted to end it when he still has a few months left in town.

    He ended things by blowing me off last minute and texting me about it, which was rude (he definitely is the type to avoid conflict). I told him I was planning on having that conversation with him in person so we agreed to meet at the end of the week to talk. We were only supposed to meet for 1 drink but we started out having great conversation and catching up before he brought up the reason we were there. He again said it was because he was moving and didn’t want to continue what were doing when he knew he was definitely going to leave and I accepted his answer. We were talking like old friends for a while before he moved to a closer seat because of the sun in his eyes (my suggestion) but he kept his legs pressed up close against mine while we talked and he looked at me with such fascination and interest. When we had closed out our tab I could tell neither of us were ready to leave so we went to another place to get coffee and hang out on the roof garden. We were together for a good 5 hours, talking and spending time in peaceful silence looking up at the stars or at each other not saying anything. The night ended with us holding hands and kissing gently for a while before he started falling asleep and so we went home. When we parted I said “I guess I’ll see you around?” and he just asked “are you ok with that?”

    So now we run into each other on occasion since I visit the store he works at regularly and I’ll say hi and bye but neither of us come over to talk to each other like we used to. On some occasions when he didn’t expect to see me he actually very obviously even avoided me. We’ve talked a little bit briefly when he was stuck at the register while I was waiting on friends, but that’s been it. It is kind of hurtful that he’s been avoiding me like he avoided my friend who had a crush on him but he was very uninterested in. It feels like I’m the only one who felt anything meaningful with our time together and I do still miss our stimulating conversations and comforting quality time spent cuddling and watching shows together.

    I thought we could at least be friends after this but I’m afraid of being rejected again by him. He is leaving the city but may be back one day and will almost certainly be back to visit friends and come for some events I may be at. I thought we’d keep in touch as friends. I do know he may have a slight fear of commitment and being held down (judging from how he ended his last serious relationship and some things he brought up about his family) and he is mentally checking out of his life in this city as he prepares to go back to school. It just sucks to be tossed aside so easily and so obviously avoided. I just have a hard time believing he didn’t just lose interest in me and is using his move as an excuse. If it were me in his position I would have continued seeing him until I moved and communicated before that whether or not I saw things continuing into long distance– which I most likely would not have wanted anyway. But maybe that’s just me being short-sighted and unwilling to make the tough choice to end things before they got even more serious (the logical decision.) I’m very tempted to reach out to him to wish him luck on a huge competition he has this weekend and the next, but afraid that he will be annoyed with me reaching out to him if he’s uninterested.

    June 3, 2016 at 6:59 pm #106428
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    From your description he very much enjoyed your company and found you interesting and attractive. But you did write that he is unpunctual and disorganized. No wonder, then, that he didn’t keep seeing you until he left the city- he is disorganized with time, you wrote, not punctual. That would explain his odd timing.

    So, he is scatter minded, disorganized, unpunctual and unreliable. He might not have realized that he spent five hours with you, and felt it was five minutes, so he missed on the significance of the five hours alltogether. In the store he was focused on the cash register and numbers, and not on you, sort of an ADD thing.

    Could very well be that his brain works differently than yours. What do you think?

    anita

    June 3, 2016 at 7:25 pm #106432
    B
    Participant

    His brain does work very differently from mine! It was really fascinating and I loved asking him questions about his perspective on time. Like he would say he couldn’t really keep track of which training groups met on which day, even though he worked there almost every day of the week and that schedule never really changes… He struggled greatly to plan things and admitted frequently that he sucked at timing and was constantly late to things, but he really did make an effort with me because he could tell I valued time. I brought up the register thing only because that meant he was stuck and forced to interact with me 😉 The other day that I ran into him he wasn’t actually on the job anymore but was just hanging out and after a few minutes of me being there working with another staff member he went to the other side of the room behind some stuff and hid in the corner on his phone.

    I’d hate to think 5 hours was like 5 minutes to him, though. I did say at one point near the end “well, I didn’t expect this to last more than one drink” and he said “yeah me neither.”

    I really just want to know why he feels so awkward or afraid of me now 🙁

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by B.
    June 3, 2016 at 8:02 pm #106437
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    I wish you could just ask him that and that he would answer. Why does he feel awkward or afraid of you now? Maybe he feels that there is something wrong with him (this ADD thing, Attention Deficit Disorder, did he mention it?) for his brain working differently, not being able to pay attention for long to any one thing OR being lost in something for too long. Maybe he feels he is weird and is embarassed?

    anita

    June 3, 2016 at 8:08 pm #106438
    B
    Participant

    Is that an appropriate thing to ask? I’d feel kinda awkward lol! And I still wonder if I should text him good luck on his event tomorrow. Part of me doesn’t care to, but the other part feels bad and wants to show that I still support him and care.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by B.
    June 3, 2016 at 8:19 pm #106440
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    I think you missed two points in my last post: one that he may be suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder symptoms, and maybe severely so, I don’t know. I wonder if he brought up ADD or did you? My other point is he may be embarassed because of these symptoms and that is why he has been hiding from you.

    anita

    June 4, 2016 at 11:13 am #106500
    B
    Participant

    I doubt it– he is very focused in other areas of his life. He just seems to lose track of time or has a poor grasp of it. He spends a lot of his time engrossed in serious books that would bore me. When it comes to reading and his studies, I probably look like the one with ADHD 😉

    June 4, 2016 at 2:19 pm #106508
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    Being so curious about how his mind work, maybe you can approach him for … an interview, prepare questions to ask him. I am not kidding. Learn what makes him tic. Instead of guessing- do ask him questions, if he is willing.

    anita

    June 4, 2016 at 3:42 pm #106513
    B
    Participant

    If I can bring myself to. I didn’t have much courage (or time) to ask him about his deeper thoughts regarding this sort of topic while we were dating. Now would be even harder as I only see him in public around other people. A lot went unspoken. But I know it would be good practice for me to approach this fear. Even now after having dated someone else since him I am afraid to bring up sensitive topics. This one I am currently seeing I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with anymore but when I had arranged a meeting to gently let him down I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Communication was very poor growing up, apparently. I feel so incredibly stupid for not saying anything, but he didn’t ask to see me again so I couldn’t say I didn’t think we should see each other anymore. Now it’s fading awkwardly.

    I am also afraid the original guy maybe lost interest because there was someone else he is interested in. I don’t know if that’s the case and if it were I would be very shocked because she is my opposite (bubbly, very outgoing, very religious, and I doubt she has that deeper intellectual connection with him), but this would make it the third time in a row that someone I cared about either lost interest in me and started dating my a bubbly person like this or found one shortly after breaking up with me. If I am no one’s type, then who is mine?

    June 4, 2016 at 8:19 pm #106531
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    I didn’t understand… this other guy, not the one with punctuality problem… would you like to write what happened with him?

    You wrote that the opposite of you (and the other guy’s type, perhaps) is a bubbly, very outgoing person. So you are reserved, shy and an intellectual? Would you like to describe yourself, what..type you are?

    I am not clear about what you are asking in the last post. I will be back at the computer in 10 hours or so and will check on your thread. take care:

    anita

    June 6, 2016 at 7:02 am #106622
    B
    Participant

    Sorry for confusing you– I was kind of talking to myself I think! Just venting since I was having a bad day due to other circumstances. The other guy I don’t have much to add about. He was very nice and reliable but I was not feeling a connection either emotionally or intellectually as he did not challenge me or talk about things that I found interesting (or would change the subject when we did). He also came on very strong before I was able to grow anything for him, which made me feel rushed, but that probably wouldn’t have mattered if I felt a connection to him. I found myself not caring whether I saw him or not.

    I am friendly and social but also introverted and shy sometimes. At first I may seem reserved (depending on where you meet me) but I can be very playful and love to laugh with others. I am constantly out and about doing fun things or deep in thought, or both. I think of myself as intellectual but not extremely so. I like talking about ideas and concepts more so than day-to-day things and people (unless it’s to talk about them more deeply like motivations, psychologically, etc.). I am still growing out of my insecure, socially fearful childhood but there is more growth to happen. There will be days where I feel very lucky to be surrounded by good friends and other days when they are nowhere to be found and I feel lonely and self-pitying. A few days ago I tried to set up a get-together to reunite a large number of friends and all but 2 (of 20+) bothered to respond and could actually come without cancelling last minute. I felt like a loser, because another girl in the group has no problem getting everyone to show up. When I asked her if she was coming her response was just “no”, not “I can’t make it, sorry.” I am a little jealous of people who are just naturally popular as it takes me a long time to make good, reliable friends. Thankfully I have a few now (they just couldn’t make it 😉 ).

    Some days I exude confidence which attracts people to me– including the disorganized guy who couldn’t believe I was shy– but when they leave or I feel abandoned my confidence fades. A few other things lately have been causing me to doubt myself more. For example, I run, which brings me joy and allows me to be with friends, but am injured and have to cancel my training for a marathon I was excited about. The reuniting dinner thing was supposed to be a way for me to connect with those friends. I am also having a hard time finding a new job, although I am lucky to have a stable one but it is unfulfilling and under appreciated. This is all just a natural ebb and flow of good and bad days I suppose, until I mature more and stop letting people and external events affect my self-esteem. It’s a work in progress 🙂

    I do notice that when I let all of these little things get to me is when I start thinking about this guy or even my ex before him whom I still miss deeply sometimes (or the things we did together, rather), as I put my self worth in what they think/thought of me when I feel vulnerable.

    I’m also still just confused and wish I knew what was going through his head in my quest to understand other people and how they think.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by B.
    June 6, 2016 at 7:57 am #106631
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Daer B:

    A couple of thoughts: maybe you are a one-to-one kind of person, not a group person? So better invite one person for a meeting instead of a whole group? And maybe it is better for you (and anyone..) to do brisk walking instead of running (way less chance of injury)?

    I too am interested in people’s motivations, brains and not in trivia. I get bored with trivia. So hope your few friends are interested in people’s motivations and psychology as well. When you meet new people, talk about these things that interest you. Not a good idea to try trivia when it bores you- it only starts you on a fake route with any particular person.

    My theme this morning is to-thine-own-self-be-true. And it follows, the friends you will make or keep are those that will encourage this very quest, encourage you to be you.

    anita

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