Hi,

I’ve been in an off and on relationship for over two and a half years now. I’m 22 and in my sophomore year of college, started dating my now-boyfriend. When we got together, I also had a blossoming “best-friendship” with a good girlfriend of mine. Soon, the three of us got very close. I enjoyed this thoroughly because in my previous relationship, my ex was extremely controlling and kept me away from all of my friends in fear of them showing me the truth about how controlling my ex was.

So, I loved that we were all so close. I called us a trio. For Valentine’s Day, they met up to help plan a surprise for me. For my birthday as well. I didn’t mind when it was all for me. Eventually, their friendship started to bud without me. They would grab lunch together sometimes while I was in class. This only happened a few times, but eventually I began to feel uncomfortable with the fact that there was a side of their friendship I was not involved in. Unsure if this is selfish and egocentric, or normal.

I said something a few times, where they both insisted “nothing was going on” (I didn’t say anything was???) My girlfriend got more defensive about it because she herself has never been in a committed relationship to this day and doesn’t understand that kind of feeling. My boyfriend, however, was much more understanding. If I ever referenced myself becoming close with his friends and hanging out without him and not mentioning it to him, he admitted he would be put off as well. Not that any of it is “wrong” — just rubs you the wrong way. Boundaries, right?

However, while I slowly started to split us up for fear of bringing us TOO close together in the beginning, whenever the two were together with me, I began to notice an energy between them. My girlfriend is very sarcastic, dry, sassy — a “badass” type of girl most guys are drawn to. She also reminds me of his ex girlfriend. I myself am very soft, sweet, and sensitive.

I began to look for these problems, and over the past two years I’ve developed some sort of paranoia. I have no real hard evidence besides a few situations that rubbed me the wrong way. In the few times that he and I have broken up, I have these crazy theories that they’ve ran into each other out and “hooked up”. I have a terrible paranoia that theres a secret attraction between the two.

Because my boyfriend and I have been off and on, my girlfriend has stopped asking me about it. We’ve actually been roommates the past two years, and whenever my boyfriend and I are together (which we currently are) she’s distant. Whenever we’re broken up, she’s so close to me again. Like I said, she’s dry and non-emotional. But she never asks about him. He rarely asks about her too. Part of me wonders if its out of sketchy behavior, or if their friendship truly fizzled? I wonder if I’m the one who MADE it weird by calling out their friendship. I’m the one that MADE their behavior seem sketchy by being constantly on the lookout.

I have no real evidence that anything has happened. And I figured that if I’ve been with this person for years now, and that if I was also roommates with my girlfriend for two years, there would be SOME way for me to know. But part of me is afraid there was a “one time thing” kind of situation, a “we can never tell her” type of situation. Hence all the weird lack of communication. Just sketchy vibes.

The craziest part about all of this is that the last time I was vocal about their friendship was around a year ago. They don’t talk from what I know, haven’t seen each other in around a year besides running into each other at the grocery store a few times. So if I were to ever bring this up, I would look like a straight up lunatic (which I kind of am) because there is no recent situation for me to reference.

I can’t tell if this is a gut feeling, or if it’s something that I MYSELF have made weird over the years, therefore ruminating about and becoming somewhat obsessed with — and this itself has turned into the “gut feeling” I’m experiencing. I mean, when you think about something almost every day for a couple years, (bad or even GOOD), it becomes a gut feeling. It becomes ingrained.

Also — I’m fully aware I have problems. I have a lot of insecurity problems. Jealousy problems. I could also go into the whole dynamic of our relationship. Briefly I’ll say, my boyfriend is very boyish – I feel he’s prone to sexual temptation. I feel uncomfortable sometimes with him and multiple of my other friends. However, because I have such a tendency to be insecure, I’m not sure if this is all MY problem. I know men are more animalistic in this sense, and I can’t decipher if I’m overly sensitive, looking for these problems, or if he’s just a stupid boy.

I’m sorry this was so long and convoluted. This is my crazy brain. Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. I’ve gone to friends about most of this and they usually say, “NOTHING IS GOING ON! CALM DOWN!” but sometimes I explain some sketchy instances and they’re like “welll…..” so I’m not sure.

Thoughts?