Home→Forums→Tough Times→GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH
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February 25, 2019 at 12:59 pm #281781
NicholeParticipantLol Anita, yes you hit it on the nose regarding my aunt!!!! So AirBNB tonight. I think if I see her tonight it will not be good so I am thinking of getting away tonight. My brother’s house was my free escape but I do not want to call on him with what is going on. So shared room for 15$ tonight. As long as I have peace.
What do you think about the situation going further? I cannot continue buying AirBnB’s. But do not want to give up dream of investing. It is the one thing that stays on my mind. I feel if I rent. I’ll be a renter for good with no stability.
February 25, 2019 at 4:32 pm #281813
AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Well, you wrote: “if I save another 5 grand I can potentially own a 50000 condo in Florida and pay less mortgage there than a rent here in Illinois”- but won’t you need to have a good enough paying job in Florida in order to qualify for that mortgage?
Here is what I think: if you want to live somewhere in Florida, why not move there very soon; rent a small apartment with the money you have, a sensible rent (I wonder if there is rent- control in some places in Florida) and find a job there?
Why stay in Illinois???
anita
February 25, 2019 at 4:50 pm #281815NicholeParticipantMy job I have right now is based out of Florida where I was living. I work from home right now. I make 17/hour. Going to be starting a second job which I can save that check entirely. I think my pay would qualify me for a small mortgage of the priced condos in Florida. But again no one in Florida. I do like the area I lived in there. Very safe and much cheaper than Illinois. But don’t know how I’d feel back there after break up. I’m in an Air BnB right now in a shared house. It’s oddly not that bad but I’m so exhausted from running around. Wish I had stability and comfort. Wish my Aunt was a bit more supportive. Am I asking too much? It seems every one I’m with since being home I am not satisfied with.
February 25, 2019 at 5:03 pm #281819AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Regarding your aunt, it makes me think of the saying: “S0metimes Family is just another F word” (I came up with this saying..).
I would move to Florida then where it is “Very safe and much cheaper than Illinois”. And soon. Time to leave Family behind and move toward that “stability and comfort” that you need so much!
anita
February 25, 2019 at 5:38 pm #281829AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
It occurred to me a few moments ago that I should not have shared that saying I came up with. It is crude but on top of it, when I wrote the last post to you, above, I forgot that you shared something very sensitive/sexual with me regarding another family member, completely forgot and that sharing makes the saying I wrote above so very wrong.
I am sorry, I regret it. So very sorry.
anita
March 1, 2019 at 1:51 pm #282431NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Don’t be in regret. It is crude but I like it, it applies sometimes. Unfortunately that word is associated with a sexual/sensitive matter but I am working on this trauma and releasing it so it didn’t even come to my mind in that way.
Regarding Florida, I am more and more aiming toward it. I have had a rather decent couple of days and usually get nostalgic during this time but I have actually been more realistic and am looking at things for what they are instead of what I wish they were. I do want to stay in good terms with my family but I also want my own life away from them. They do not hold the same beliefs as me whatsoever. And it is if I am being punished for wanting to change my life for the better. Ultimately I’d like to have a place away and here. So hopefully I can get some over time at my second job and really start saving!!
March 1, 2019 at 4:17 pm #282445AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
So good to read from you, I didn’t know if I ever will… But here you are, I am relieved and pleased!
This is an excellent sentence: “I have actually been more realistic and am looking at things for what they are instead of what I wish they were”- this is what mental health is about, seeing reality as it is. Ignoring reality doesn’t work because reality doesn’t ignore itself, it keeps being what it is.
So you intend to save and buy a place in Florida, seems like. I wonder if you seeing your aunt the way she is- really seeing her for who she is- will help you be more at peace living there. I hope so.
anita
March 5, 2019 at 3:45 pm #283183NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Of course you will hear from me, probably until the end of one of our times. I have been working my second job and not feeling the best these last couple of days. It has helped me to be at peace seeing people for what and who they are but also scares me and makes me sad. I went 30 years believing that life and people were as genuine as me. Learning that 95 percent of people just want to use people is shocking. Makes me feel like what is the point? If no one genuinely cares why do we gather? Why not be alone.
Besides these thoughts I have been craving and constantly missing my ex these days. I do not know what is bringing this on. I just sit and wonder how he let 5 years go down the drain? I was so good to him. I blamed myself in the beginning but when I look back I gave him everything. Then to find out about Narcissistic Personality Disorder!!! Do you believe in this disorder? I have read so much on it that I am drained and astounded this exists and is incurable!
March 6, 2019 at 5:13 am #283249AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I figure you miss your ex because you are lonely. If you were involved in a relationship with another man right now, and there was attraction and interest there, you probably wouldn’t be missing your ex at all.
About the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, overused, too popular to mean anything to me. With an exaggeration, but to make a point, I would say that everyone’s ex boyfriend is Narcissistic.
What were these men before the this diagnosis-turned-label-turned viral was coined?
No one is born with a personality disorder, the labels are collections of symptoms that are placed in groups by psychiatrists and later by well, everyone interested. I look at the basics, what is in the core of the person, not at collections of symptoms. Diagnoses/ labels have their function, as in being used in billing by insurance companies, and as a starting point in therapy. But not much beyond that.
Personality disorders point to a person’s symptoms becoming so severe and persistent that therapy is difficult, and the person is not interested in therapy or in looking inside and changing. When you meet a man in the future, Nichole, pay attention: is he capable and willing to look into himself, to consider that he may be wrong, is he capable of listening to you/others and reconsider his thoughts and behavior.
I am looking at your 95% estimation of percentage of people who use other people, unfairly I assume you mean. Well, I hope it is not that high. I don’t think it is that high.
anita
March 7, 2019 at 2:15 pm #283533NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
I am lonely but I don’t know if it just that. I truly miss that man. He was my first everything. He was the love of my life. He was truly my best friend. We would talk all night long about life. I miss our life and routine. I miss Florida and dinners on the water. I kind of lived a luxurious life with him as his family was wealthy. I can do it on my own but it is not the same. He made everything better. I think Narcissism is exaggerated as well but unfortunately my ex meets all of the “criteria” of a covert narcissist. He was amazing to me for years, I mean 100% gentleman and treated me like a queen. He provided for me, took me dinners, bought me things. complemented me, rubbed my back and feet every night. But those weren’t even the things I fell in love with. I fell in love with his smile. With his “heart” that I thought was good back than. I fell in love with his compassion. Now I find narcissist mirror you and those were my traits? It is so confusing. It’s hard to believe he didn’t love and was just using me but what else does living a double life mean? I think I must be getting my period because I have been overly emotional. I have dreams and nightmare about him lately. I just wish he would at least respect me to give me closure. He hasn’t even reached out to see how I am doing with my moms passing. He loved my mom and they talked often. so hard to believe his heart is so cold. And I hope it is not that high either, meaning the 95%. I may just be paranoid but it feels like since my awakening I notice the way people try to use you at the drop of a dime. I can see right through people. Situations where I’d be so genuine I see right through and have to hold onto myself and not let myself fall victim to people’s sketchy ways.
March 7, 2019 at 3:42 pm #283545AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Wait, there is a covert narcissist online label and an overt narcissist, as in a covert-narc and an overt-narc? So that truly covers everyone, my goodness!
“my ex meets all the ‘criteria’ of a covert narcissist. He was amazing to me for years” – so a covert narcissist can be amazing for years before his narcissism begins to show?
If you want to list the criteria you referred to, not in the online language, but using your own words, choosing simple, straightforward words and sentences, please do. I would like to know.
If you list those for me, will you write for each one when that criteria began to show, that is, how long before you left Florida?
At this point I forgot what you shared about him except that he cheated on you a lot. If you make this list next, I will re-read all that you shared about him and reply.
I will soon be away from the computer for about thirteen hours. Take care of yourself, Nichole, will you?
anita
March 7, 2019 at 6:26 pm #283575NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Yes there are covert and overt narcissist. I do believe in it just because I have been on Quora and spoke to so many women who dealth with the exact same thing I did. Ok so here is a list of the criteria, but first let me say that yes he was good to me for years at least that is what I thought. But I see now everything he did secured me to stay with him. I hate to look at it like that but it seems that way. Here is a list..
Every time we fought it turned out it was my fault. For years I was confused because I thought I was being the best women I could be and it seemed like nothing I could do was right. ( I now realize he used subtle ways of convincing me of doubting my own judgement.)
He never gave me any space but somehow convinced me I was the clingy one who never gave him space. When I look back there were times he frustrated me and I would say please just give me some time and he would pick at me until I exploded. I now see that he purposely wanted me to explode so that the initial crime he committed was forgotten, now we could focus on my anger instead of him taking accountability.
I couldn’t say no to him or his family. I mean yes I could, but not without being guilted into feeling bad for doing something for myself.
Him and his family were amazing to me in the beginning, I thought I found a golden family. As soon as I started to enforce boundaries I seen the masks falling. I seen them isolate me. I seen them talk behind my back. I am no angel but I did not deserve any of this yet he convinced me I was.
He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was but because he was driving me to it. Do not get me wrong I have my own problems and wounds as you know but he confused me to the point I did not trust myself. I couldn’t even make decisions. on my own for the simplest thing. Now being away from him the freedom I have to choose for myself feels so good and guilt free.
I found out in the end he was speaking on chat lines to over 50 women. And was meeting up with an ex when he was “supposedly” at work. When I caught him he said he had an addiction to being validated. He said he didn’t know what wrong with him. That he needs attention. And that is one thing I believe. I don’t think he truly was aware of his behaviors. It’s his way of survival. And this in case you are wondering is why I still miss him. I seen him at his best and worst. I miss his best and feel terrible that he feels he needs this constant validation because he feels so low. But I do understand it is not my place to fix him. That is progress for me because I have always felt like I can fix people.
There is more but cannot think of it now.
The man is on a rampage now. Women have contacted me on social media asking if we were together because they feel he is lying to them. Multiple women and he is pathologically lying to them as well now. I feel bad for him some days on the days I don’t hate him for how he betrayed me.
That is another thing, I found out he was lying to me about everything, including work!! His business. Lord only knows how he was paying our bills.
Oh God, it makes me sick writing this stuff. How could I miss this man? But again how does one simply let go of someone they once loved and gave their heart, body and soul too?? It seems so normal but I am such a lover and believed in the fairy tale.
March 8, 2019 at 7:33 am #283669AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
It seems like there are two current popular diagnoses online, NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) for men and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) for women. Often women retroactively diagnose their ex boyfriends as narcissists. Men and women diagnose their female family members and partners as Borderlines.
Some of these non-professional diagnoses are correct, but not necessarily so. The purpose of women diagnosing their ex boyfriends and husbands as narcissists is that it labels the ex as BAD and the woman as the innocent victim of the big-bad-wolf. It feels good at times to do so.
Looking at your posts in August last year, you wrote: “I was verbally abusive and an emotional wreck during our time together.. I put so much pressure on him and he says he tried so hard but couldn’t handle it… In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have now figured out that I have severe PTSD from childhood abuse and I have fear of abandonment and I also have a terrible temper and unhealthy way of dealing with conflict”.
If you look at the criteria for the diagnosis of BPD in the DMS-4 you may qualify, at least you may fit a few of the criteria.
In your recent post you wrote: “I see now everything he did secured me to stay with him”- what I often see in ex girlfriends diagnosing their exes as Narcissist is suggesting the boyfriend had a plan all along, executed in cold heart, to break down the girlfriend, to harm her, and went about it step by step, over months and years, to achieve his evil aim. In reality, the great majority of abusers, men and women, do not abuse in cold heart, planning ahead, using clever strategies. They abuse in the heat of the moment, they feel distress and are in a hurry to pass it on, to inflict their distress on another.
“Every time we fought it turned out it was my fault. For years I was confused..”- the diagnosis made it all clear, and this is why it feels good, we are no longer confused (short term). But what if it turned out your fault because you carry a core belief from childhood that what goes wrong is your fault. Once you take a hold of the NPD, you don’t have to look into what you brought into the relationship from your childhood because supposedly, it is the man’s fault that you feel guilty.
“he would pick at me until I exploded. I now see that he purposefully wanted me to explode so that the initial crime he committed was forgotten, now we could focus on my anger..”- here is the cold hearted evil strategy/ plan. I doubt any person wants their partner, with whom they live with, to explode. People are afraid of aggression, they don’t purposefully invite it.
I imagine you wouldn’t like my post so far, so better stop it here.
anita
March 8, 2019 at 9:17 am #283697NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
It is not that I don’t like your post. I will say I am confused even more now. My own therapist agrees that my ex was a narcissist. I have read hundreds of women’s stories that mimic mine to the tee. I don’t understand how it is not intentional in cold heart from these people with disorders because it seems they follow the same pattern in each relationship. When I got with my ex he explained his ex as crazy, and that she stole from him, and she was verbally abusive and so on…I became that girl with him. He repeated the pattern with me. This is 100% truth. I am not going to deny that many of the reasons I did react this way are from child hood beliefs. This is the one gift I got from being with him, he opened my wounds and I had no choice to see them straight on. A healthy person would have left instead I stayed and became more unhealthy, which is my responsibility. It is interesting you say I fit the criteria for BPD, because I considered I had that myself when I first arrive in Chicago. I researched it for months and was devastated. I brang it up to my therapist and she assured me I wasn’t. I don’t have these behaviors anymore since being no contact with him. I am more calm and I am more free. I can definitely see where woman have exaggerated and called their ex a narcissist just to label it. This is not the case for me, I want nothing more than to believe the man I loved does not have disorder that cannot be cured. I am not painting him as the bad wolf but since being away from him I see what he did, yes intentionally. Maybe not exactly in cold heart but he chose to pick at me and wanted a reaction from me, yes to explode, because he never wanted to discuss his faults. People do not like aggression but if it helps them get away with murder I think they will deal. My ex intentionally chose to call chatlines for year in our relationship, and he chose to pathologically lie to me. I am not just a women who is bitter from infidelity, I wish I was. That man changed me, I did not know who I was at the end of the relationship. I lost trust in myself completely. I literally could not decide what groceries to by and I see now how much he enjoyed controlling me that way. He turned all of the good things about me into bad things. He broke me slowly throughout the years. This is true and I DO NOT want it to be but I cannot deny the way he made comments on everything I did but then cuddled me and said he loved me. That is not love it is manipulation to brake someone down but be just enough nice to keep them around under your control. This sounds harsh and I struggle with believing it myself because I love this man but it is true. I don’t think he picked me and knew he would do this, I think he projects his shame and pain on women including me. I think he feels so afraid that he is not loved that he controls the situation so he never gets hurt. Which does not make it ok. These are my thoughts so far, interested to see how you feel.
March 8, 2019 at 10:25 am #283707AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
As you know, I have never met, nor did I ever communicate with your ex boyfriend. But neither did your therapist, and yet, she has diagnosed him as a narcissist (“my own therapist agrees that my ex was a narcissist”).
Regarding your suspicion that you fit the BPD criteria, you wrote: “I don’t have these behaviors anymore since being no contact with him”- BPD behaviors appear only in the context of intimate relationships, not when you are not in an intimate relationship.
In my case, I was officially diagnosed with BPD, by a professional. It was a tough road but I no longer exhibit those behaviors and I have been in a healthy intimate relationship for a few years, BPD-free. It took a few long years of me enduring my distress without reacting, without saying and doing what I felt like saying and doing. Over time and self control, those urges to carry on the BPD behaviors calmed down.
There is the proof that it is possible to be diagnosed with a personality disorder and following lots of work and time, to no longer fit the diagnosis.
“I have read hundreds of women’s stories that mimic mine to the tee”- people are of one species, the human species, and so, we share a whole lot of the same behaviors, not much different from other animal species, for example, all dogs wag their tail when they are happy to see you and they bark at perceived trespassers (unless trained otherwise, I suppose).
As far as the men in these women’s stories fitting your own to the tee, let’s look at one behavior: “he would pick at me until I exploded”. He picked on you because he was angry at you, and that is what people do when they are angry, pick on the one they are angry at (or go out for a walk and take a time out, which is more evolved).
What the NPD online crowd did, was to take everyday behaviors that all humans exhibit and add made up elements to it, ex., that he picked on you for the purpose of meticulously destroying you over a period of years.
The cold hearted person who meticulously goes about a plan to destroy another person month after month, year after year, to finally succeed is a rare person, and those who do go about such a plan do it for a substantial financial benefit, the victim’s money and property.
What was his benefit, what did he get out of his evil, meticulous, well-thought of, cold hearted plan to destroy you over five years or so; what motivated him to execute his plan against you?
anita
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