Thanks Anita, I am going to much consideration before taking anything because it makes me nervous. They prescribed me the smallest doseage at 25 MG of Zoloft. My therapist doesn’t think it is a bad idea.

Ok so I was molested young from ages 5-13? From what I can remember and there are various different times that I remember. It wasn’t an ongoing thing. Since then I was always in communication with my brother. It was never anything I told anyone or spoke about. It’s as if it never happened. Again it wasn’t exactly forceful it was a manipulation.  We have carried on a relationship all of these years. And through them after recent experiences and the awakening I am having I believe he held that power over me. I have always been a people please and feel like I tried to please him and his woman for the last ten years. I have slowly backed off. After recent events with my ex and learning about  Narcissism things seem to make sense to me. I have been used and abused my entire life by multiple people and it hurts and I believe it is the reason for my current ups and downs. The trip came about because it normal for us siblings all to see each other. When I was in Florida and My older brother in Arizona and other here in Chicago we would make our rounds. So this is a routine trip and get away but this time my mind is so much different. I have been through so much lately. My heart has literally took a beating. My mind is confused and I am in pain. I am stronger as far as I am awake to the abusive and dysfunctional ways of people but am weak as far as where do I go with this info. According to what I have learned. There aren’t many if any non dysfunctional relationships in my life. It makes me so afraid and so hurt. I feel so alone. So I am trying to grow as a person but still salvage any bonds I can with family since in the end that is all we got. It is so hard and difficult.

So are you saying I should bring this up? What else are we if we are not connected? I feel very lonely. Last year I was in a “loving relationship” with a man whose family adored me. A huge family. I had my family back home, my mom alive. Yes my family with many dysfunctions but there for me. I was so naive and so happy back then. Now I feel awoke and alone and scared of the world and afraid to move at times. Sometime I feel it is better off to be naive. I miss that innocence. So much has been tooken from since last year. I often wonder why? Why is this God’s way for me. I’m not that religious but if there is a God, why would he want me so alone. I am too fragile to be alone right now. I need support and love and a hug. I need some one to love me without anything behind it.

Anita, I cannot fully respond to what you said as I am getting ready at this moment to leave to airport. We have plans the entire time made up. We are having dinner tonight with everyone. We are going to an italian restaurant tomorrow for Valentines and then I was thinking hotel. We are going to a night place for my brothers bday friday and grand canyon saturday. These are things I want to enjoy. But I want personal space and boundaries as well. I appreciate your advice and I wish I would have come to you sooner but at this point so much is set up already. So what can I do? Do you mind if I continue coming to you during my stay? I am going to need some encouragement.

Hi Anita, I arrived last night. So far so good. I held my boundaries and did what I had to for me. I do believe I need to get a hotel tonight regardless as to protect my peace. There is no telling when my brothers wife can bring the worst out of me. She has done it in the past and will do it again. I will say I am a little nervous still and just want a peaceful time. Now that I’ve been awaken to people’s behavior it is easy to spot when someone is projecting, manipulating or trying to get a rise out of me. It is very disturbing to know these are people’s intentions. It makes me afraid of the future. Sometimes my boundaries are so good but I do get exhausted always basically having a wall up.

Anita, I am so sad. Sad this is a reality. Sad for the world. Sad to think of the responsibility I didn’t take for myself all of these years. Sad for all the time I people pleased instead of taking care of myself. The times I sacrificed my happiness for everyone around. Now so late in life I learn this. When I’ve wasted so much time. I could have a life, children and a spouse but instead wasted 5 years on a narcissist. On someone who according to research can never love me. I am so lost in life. I feel cheated and I feel hurt. I am sad with all that I am learning. Where does my life lead now? At times like today. Valentines, and given the last time I was here in AZ was with my ex and I feel like reaching out. Trying to salvage something. Maybe there is hope. Maybe we can talk. It’s been 4 months no contact and I feel alone in this world. I know it’s not the right thing to do but my emotions are getting the best of me. I’m sorry to be so all over the place but this is how my mind and emotions work these days. Always something new. Always a new challenge. Thank you for being the support I’ve needed at times.

Hi Anita,

You are right. So much waste. It hurts to come to that realization. I look back at my life and see some good times yes so I cannot say it was a complete waste. I see my character build and I see love but never the love I craved from others or myself. I never felt good enough and never had my own identity. It hurts most because all of these years I’ve hated myself because I blamed myself for my failures and pains and all along I see I’ve had toxic manipulative people in my life. I understand my life is my responsibility but when you grown up in a dysfunctional family with addiction, poverty, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and many more what else do you know? I hurt because I’ve tried so so hard in life to remain good and true to my beliefs and they were wrong! I feel like I’m losing hope in morality and feel like I need to join the rest of the world in order to keep my peace. I got a hotel last night. Good idea but bad night. First off room was dirty upon entering. Had to wait one hour for house cleaning. Then I vomited my dinner. I believe the over eating I did and stress/pain caused this. Then to wake at 2 am to the pleasant surprise of my menstral which is 2 weeks too early!! This never happens. My body is exhausted. Tired of pain and confusion and not knowing where my life is leading and who anybody is any more. I know you speak of this calm sense of life but it seems far away. It’s like 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. Trying to enjoy the here and now and I think I will have a good day but it hurts to realize the toxicity in my family. The people I loved and trusted most my entire life are now people I’m afraid of right now. Afraid to be in their presence, afraid to be manipulated or judged. Hurts so bad.

Anita you are so wise and so right but I continue to feel that family is all I’ve ever known. I don’t know where to begin a life without them and especially without my ex. I am truly alone. And for that I am sad. I don’t feel I deserve this feeling. I am not perfect, and I am sure I’ve hurt people along the way unintentionally but my heart is pure. I’ve given love when it wasn’t deserved. I’ve been a shoulder and I’ve given my all to family, friends, and men. Why do I suffer then with insecurities, pain, hurt, and doubt. I do think it is my last trip. At least for a long while. Dinner was ok, but definitely could have been better.

Is that even possible in 2019? I feel everyone is so corrupt. Everyone is selfish and out for themselves and this world forces you to be the same way. I thought I did find someone and a family that I chose and they betrayed me.