It hurts Anita

i have had many post like this

but this is a volcano eruption

it has been too many traumas after another

my mind and body are suffering greatly

im not a broken record this is really happening

Honestly not really

Rough times Anita

That’s what I was doing before all this happened. I continue my talks with myself but my subconscious has gotten louder and faster and aggressive. I’m trying with all my might soul and power. 🙁

I’ve been trying to figure this out. I lay meditate and ask my body. I look in the mirror and ask. I know being alone has tooken its burden on me strongly but I continue meditating and telling little me I’m safe and no danger. It works momentarily and then the visions and flashbacks continue triggering me I believe. And I believe it’s happening when I sleep and that’s why I can’t stay asleep. I know this and still can’t figure out how to calm down. It’s sad all I want is peace and all the poor little girl who is damaged wants is chaos. I’m two people stuck! I believe the little girl in me needs s safe place and love. I’m giving her both. What else can I do

I don’t mean she literally wants chaos but it seems that way.

i also know sleep deprivation isn’t helping but that is from stress so hand in hand.

heres what I know

ive made some bad decisions

ive reacted

My life and real relationships are all out of control

i didnt do this intentionally and worked hard against it but I’m a pre conditioned mess

i got my apartment tomorrow

i want to fix relationships or at least respond to family situations because left undone keeps me in the flight response I believe. I reacted irrational when I was scared and it’s driving me crazy the control I don’t have.

I know now that I was mistreated but also know it may not have been personal and I reacted to it as if it was. Because little Nichole is constantly looking for abuse as you say. This is true.

she was abused so early on and is terrified for it to happen again. When I realized I was emotionally abused after leaving my ex and realizing my family had done it to scared me. I was looking for it everywhere. Which makes me not trust my decision to end all of these relationships.

i have no connections and it’s like going cold turkey off of drugs! I’m in withdrawal

i want to begin some connections somewhere with family because what I need a stranger can’t give me. But my family is invalidating and a bit much so I can’t trust myself to make a decision on that.

I dont trust myself at all right now!

Which sucks because I was working on that like hell!

ive lost trust in these bad decisions

i dont have movers

i don’t have cable box for work

i don’t have help

money is going down!

I dnt  have a bed, my things are everywhere

my car needs maintenance

my body needs sleep

i need love and support!

I don’t know where to begin

i wrote this feeling like an 80 year old woman because of stress and tension!

Have you ever felt like that?

It feels like it won’t go away!

I thought about it but can’t come up with a answer.

Its so hard for me to just let things go

well at this stress level it is

i feel like calling him or my father is saying it’s ok what you did to me since I never responded to them

also not sure I want family knowing I have an apartment here

i may say I left town and be alone from them?

but see my decision making is poor

with constant thoughts and stress levels at all time high I’m shaky and uneasy and it sucks

none of this was my plan

life was going ok, I worked hard to get to a better place and I’m so defeated!