Dear Nichole:

Here are quotes from your threads,  month by month:

August 2018 “I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 1/2 years and 3 years living together. I moved to Florida from Chicago to be with him and start a life with him…I was verbally abusive and an emotional wreck during our time together.. In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often…I keep having the same problem with my sister in law and it is driving me crazy. She has been around for 10 years and I am so over taking her condescending attitude… Last time I went to visit I exploded on her and that makes me look like the guilty one. Help!”

Oct 2018:  “I am doing better but still struggle daily… I feel so alone even though I do have family. I feel empty… I feel like my life is turned upside down. I miss florida but my family is here and I know I need them at this time. I have no clue how to restart my life… I’m so lost and I try to have motivation and hope each day but I am struggling.  So many emotions at once that I feel trapped.”

Nov 2018 “I’m currently feeling lost.. I am living with my brother in my moms apartment. Our father also lives with us … I am 30 years old and planned marriage and children with my ex, now I have to start over…every time i find ways to feel better and be positive I regress back into negative thinking and no motivation. I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own.”

Dec 2018:  “I am struggling with this same situation once again… I was clearly a depressed child and adult ..My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family, took care of my mom, been depressed from over thinking about others…I keep going up and down with my emotions. One day I am confident that I got it and the next few days I am down and out and then I have to start over.”

Jan 2019 “I made the move to my Aunt’s house on new years eve…Now that I am here at my aunts I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss…I was up all night with anxiety and fear of life. I don’t know where I am heading. I feel so lonely in life. I miss the man I thought I was going to be with forever.. don’t understand where all of my anxiety and fear that appears almost every other day comes from. I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear, doubt.. I have had high anxiety for about 2 weeks.. I fear I have made the wrong decision moving in with my aunt.”

Feb 2019:  “Here I am again stressed and doubtful. I have been sad and I have been numb…Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar or have something wrong with my fluctuations of moods.. The up and downs are draining.. Last night was so terrible for me. I would have to say it was the worst depression.. feel so drained from this anxiety and fear that I know I must live with but it is so relentless lately. I now know that moving with my aunt was a terrible decision. I hate it now. I just want to be alone but am so afraid of that as well.. I feel alone in this world.. I am so disgusted by my brother who I am closest with and the way he has treated me this trip. He has been so passive aggressive and cruel to me.. I feel dead and empty right now. I feel like I need to go to ER with these chest pains and stress…So AirBNB tonight”

March 2019: “Working two jobs has me tired.. I think I have been ok. I actually have been feeling decent.”

April 2019 “Working 3 jobs now.. I am up to 7500 in savings.. I have been a ball of emotions lately. I have been up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself.”

May 2019 “I have been exhausted. Physically from work and emotionally as usual from what life keeps throwing at me.. I have been for the most part down lately. Living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative.. I am just not sure if I want to live alone yet and I still am not sure where I want to live so I don’t want to rent alone and sign a lease.. I love her but I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey.. I am going to look at another place tonight.. I am lost. Frightened. And back at square one in life if not negative square one. I don’t know what to do right now.. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out with gaslighting and shaming.. For now I have rented a room in a nice area for a month…very sad and going on 5 days no sleep. why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people”

June 2019: “I gathered the last of my belongings from my Aunts house and almost could not finish, almost wanted to stop and just ask her why she was hurting me so much. And just wanted things to go back to the way they were! And I still do.. the way I feel right now is so numb and empty. How can things ever be good again? I need support, I need someone by my side… I feel so unhealthy. Body tremors and my head is vibrating in some places!… I feel like I’ll never heal and my life is ruined. I was becoming happy and handed my power over! Why???..Today was horrible. Anxiety, panic attacks and 0 confidence in myself or life going forward. I am so sad. I went and seen both grandmas yesterday since I was feeling up and thought I should give them a chance, I confronted one gradma who was very mean and standoffish after aunt smeared me and she denied it and said she loves me. So invalidating…I am suffering from PTSD for sure! I have every symptom. I had about 10 flashbacks in the shower alone! Night time and morning time is pure torture. I feel pain and anxiety times 10.”

July 2019: “I did not go to family. I have been in hotels and AirBnb. But is getting far too expensive to live like this. I’ve been looking into apartments…I’ve been spending 70 a night on hotels such a waste of my hard earned money! I was tempted to sleep in my car last night. I have an apartment won’t be ready until the 1st…I am on the verge of a breakdown…and now I’m here. Terrified of the apartment and life”.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I can’t help you, Nichole. I can’t help  most people. The help you need is significant. I think you may very well have been correct when you stated in February: “Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar… The up and downs are draining”.

Reads like you may need serious medications for a bi polar disorder. You shared that Zoloft (an anti depressant) doesn’t work, ambien for sleep doesn’t work, Xanax has no effect. Reads like you need a heavier medication, or a combination of medications that will work and prevent those ups and downs, such that will stabilize your mood.

I am not a psychiatrist.

I will be away from the computer for a bit over an hour.

anita

Dear Nichole:

You wrote repeatedly that what you were prescribed did not work for you. So I figure you need a re-evaluation, a correct diagnosis and a different prescription of psychiatric drugs. I think that this is what you need at this time- a psychiatric re-evaluation, proper diagnosis or diagnoses and a new prescription.

Thank you for writing that I have helped you, I appreciate your kindness in suggesting that. I will be away from the computer for about 18 hours. When I am back I hope to read more from you. I definitely hope you feel better and soon!

anita

Dear Nichole:

Reading your recent post (similar to many before it), I am reminded of World War 2. Not that I was there, but growing up I saw lots of videos and images from the Nazi concentration camps, of the prisoners there, in Auschwitz, Poland. Most of those prisoners/ victims died but many survived a few years of starvation, their bodies extremely thin, ribs showing, severely inadequate clothing, sleeping arrangements, very hard labor, dirt, lice, disease, abuse of all kind… and yet, they survived. It amazes me how strong and resilient Life is. That instinct of any and every living thing to live yet another day.

Don’t underestimate your strength and resilience, it is not something you alone own, it is the nature of Life itself.

One more day and you will be at your new apartment, tomorrow.

anita

Dear Nichole:

To answer your question if I experienced this, tell me about those “flashbacks of every memory of my life. It’s like a movie that won’t end. On and on”- describe the movie to me, will you?

anita