Dear Nichole:

I am going on a walk and be back with you in an hour or so from now.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Fear is as natural and normal as can be, that is, all humans, all animals experience fear. Anxiety, that is, fear when real danger doesn’t exist, that is common to animals and humans in captivity, such as animals in zoos and children captive in unsafe/ unloving homes. You asked if I experienced severe anxiety before- yes, I did. I was on anti anxiety drug (Klonipin) for 17 years.

Last I experienced severe anxiety was October 2013 after I took my last Klonipin, and felt that I have to have another Klonipin or else .. well I had to. But I didn’t take another Klonipin, not that night and not ever since. What I did that night, Oct 2013, was go to a calm place in my brain (away from the epicenter of the quake, as I suggested to you a few posts ago) and from that place I made it through the night.

As far as I am concerned, you are welcome to contact any of your family members for help. If and when you do,  pay attention: are you receiving the help you need? In other words, you can try again, to seek help, comfort and love from your family. Try again and see if it works for you this time.

I will soon be away from the computer for about 16 hours.

anita

Dear Nichole:

This is a very difficult time for you, but you had difficult times before and survived them. But this time, aim not just at surviving, but at making your life better long term, so that you don’t end up in bad situations again and again, for the rest of your life.

It is time to let go of childhood, of being a little, scared girl waiting for someone to take care of her. Time to see your own self as the adult who is capable of taking care of the girl that you were, the girl inside of you who is scared.

See yourself as two people, the adult Nichole, strong, capable and the child Nichole, weak and incapable. Take care of this scared, little girl. She needs someone-

and that someone is you.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Do what I did that night I told you about, in October 2013, when I suffered intense anxiety coming off Klonipin, feeling that I was unable to make it without that tranquilizer. I closed my eyes and scanned my brain for a place of calm, a place where I can be calm and make it through that night.

When you are as anxious as you are, not all areas in your brain are anxious. There is a place there that is calm, find it and reside there. Whenever you feel anxious, go to that calm place.

The calm place that you need, you don’t have it outside your brain, this is why you are not there, in your brother’s/father’s apartment, your aunt’s house, your older brother’s home in another state, any of your grandparents’ homes, cousins’ homes, or your ex boyfriend’s place in Florida.

If I am wrong and you think that any of these places are safe and calm for you, go there. If I am correct, then your only option is to do what I suggested.

anita

Dear Nichole:

50 mg Zoloft in the morning, good it is not in the evening, as last time prescribed to you. I used to take 400 mg Zoloft every morning for years, that is 8 times what you were prescribed, can you imagine that. It will probably work well for you and your depression will lessen in a couple weeks or so.

Interesting I was prescribed Klonipin, which is like Xanax, I think, anti anxiety, the same dosage you were prescribed, 1 mg 3 times per day, “when needed” in my case. Short term the Xanax will very likely help you a lot.

You will get out of Chicago soon enough, if this is what you want, maybe later this year, before heavy duty winter. Did you sign a lease on the apartment?

It is just after 8:30pm your time, I sure hope you sleep well after taking the ambien. I am very impressed with you that you persevered and did not knock on your brother/father’s door or your aunt’s or anyone else in your family. I think you beat your codependence. Don’t you think?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Well, you did not call the ex and you didn’t crawl back to the home of any of your family members, so I figure you beat co dependence where it matters most: your behavior!

“I don’t know what the point is at this point”- always the same point for all animals, all plants, all living things- to make it to the next day. But as humans, you have the option of aiming at a better day tomorrow.

anita