Dear Nichole:

You are welcome. The way for you to proceed, I  believe, will need to include the following (and not in the following order, first, second and so forth, but a bit of each at any day, back and forth, gradually and over time):

1. Come to terms with your issues with your mother- this is what I am sure of: you loved her your whole life. You did your very best to help her. Your attention for so long was directed at her while her attention was rarely directed at you. You cared for her much more than she cared for you.

It doesn’t matter why, and whether she did her best and how sweet she was at times, what matters here is that you loved her way more than she loved you, that you were focused on her and she was not focused on you; you spent way, way… way more time feeling empathy for her than she spent time feeling empathy for you.

Your relationship with your mother was very much an unrequited love, you trying and waiting and hoping for her love while she was otherwise engaged, otherwise focused, unavailable to you.

You were angry at her because you needed her so desperately, because she was your number one priority and she wasn’t there for you and didn’t consider you a high priority at all.

You need to remove your focus from her childhood, and her past abuse, and she doing her best and focus instead on your childhood, your past abuse, and how you truly did your best to take care of her from an early age.

In the context of you-and-your-mother, you were all innocent, all loving, all focused on her. In the same context, she was not these things, in other words, she could have done better for you if she truly loved you, not perfectly, but she could have done better, no doubt.

2. Consider other family members, one by one, father, each one of the two brothers, brothers’ partners, aunts, uncles, cousins, niece, nephew, resolve the issues with each one you do have issues with and decide if you want a relationship with any and what kind of a relationship (I can help you with that, if you want).

Give up reaching out to any of them for the purpose of being loved or taken care of emotionally. You waited 25 years for your mother to love you back and take care of you for once. Don’t waste your next 25 years waiting other family members to love you and take care of you.

3. When you feel that you are abused by any particular individual, before you impulsively react, take a time out. Write to me if you want, describing the situation you suspect to having been abusive toward you and I will give you my input on the matter. You have to learn to differentiate your perception of abuse from the reality of abuse. I can help you with that.

4. Turn away from reaching out to family members and turn toward life otherwise, your own life as an individual. This includes work/ career, living in/ buying your own home where you want to live and in the future, maybe in a couple of years, when you are ready, find your own partner in life.

anita

Dear Nichole:

“I finally healed to a calm peaceful state”- that did not happen, you felt calmer at times, definitely better than you felt lately, but no healing took place, not yet.

What you are experiencing now is not a lifetime state, no, it is not. And you can start the process of  healing, one that you aimed at before, but did not made a solid beginning of it yet.

PTSD is a diagnosis that was used for war veterans but in the last  decade or so, the term Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was proposed to the type of PTSD you are referring to, (and of which I suffered myself).  You may want to read on CPTSD online (a good source, I hope!) or in a self help book in the library/book store. What do you think of maybe visiting a library or a book store for that purpose?

anita

Dear Nichole:

There were times in my life that I felt better, it happens to everyone, really. But healing happens when the person healing perseveres, keeps going, not giving up. I remember long ago, I was your age and there was an advertisement on TV for those 4 big sets of video cassettes, a long ago technology. Those cassettes were about repeating positive affirmations to soft music with subliminal messages. I used to play those cassettes while jogging and I felt at the top  of the world. I was repeating positive affirmations about myself, my worth, and those felt wonderful !

Over time, life happened and those cassettes, well, I had to let them go because I had to  unload a lot of my belongings because I often didn’t have a place to live in, moving a whole lot, sometimes having nowhere to go to. So you see, it felt good but no healing. Healing has to be ongoing. My healing started 2011 and is still ongoing. I didn’t abandon the process.

I think it will be a long process for you too, but you have to keep at it. You don’t have to  do too much at any one time, but you have to commit to it and keep going no matter how you feel. Sometimes take breaks, that is part of the process. But make it ongoing.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I believed you from the very beginning that you were abused and neglected by your mother, your father, and your older brother (I believe it more than you believe it- I wish you believed the italicized with the clarity and conviction of my belief!). I also believe that the aunt with whom you lived has been and is abusive to her won son, so I am not at all surprised that she has been abusive to you too.

I will soon be away from the computer for about 15 hours. I will check to see if you reply in about an hour from now, and then shut down the computer for the day.

anita