Dear Nichole:

When we are conflicted and afraid for a long time, there is no one solution or situation that will make us feel calm and peaceful for long, so  better not expect  it.

Whatever the next move you make, staying in the  current  apartment next year, moving to your aunt’s, renting  a place of your own.. whatever choice you make, distress will follow.

The “right thing” for you to do is to follow the following formula which my therapist at the time presented to me:

Wisdom= Rational Mind+ Emotional Mind.

If you go only by the emotions, that is, by the emotional mind, nothing is going to work, because your distress will reoccur in any situation and you will quit every effort you make. Going by logic/ rational only is not going to work either, as in this example: it is rational for you to live with your aunt  so to save on rent and buy. But if living with her will drive you crazy and you lose your job as a result then the rational-alone did not work for you.

Combine the two, do what is logical but pay attention  to how you feel and what your feelings are telling you, then re-evaluate your plans and adjust, make changes. Try different  solutions and evaluate.

The “going up and down with emotions” will probably continue for a long time.

“One day I am confident that  I got it and the next few days I am down and out and then I have to start over”- this is the key to making it: when you are “down and out” it doesn’t mean all is broken and you have to start over. The  down-and-out is part of healing, part  of moving on, part  of making your life better, can’t prevent it or avoid it.

Don’t start over; continue instead. Keep going through the distress. Take breaks when distressed, walks in nature, watch a movie and  so forth, then continue, keep going, combine the rational and the emotional minds and in so doing, live wisely.

I think it is a very good idea for you to move  out of where you are  now because you are living with the people to whom you adjusted as a child and living with them only encourages adjustments that hurt you.  Living with your aunt, if she was not a person involved with you as a child, is better, depending  on further evaluation, once you live there.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I hope this new year is a good year for you, soon enough.

“I just want to maintain my confidence and feel stable in life. Sometimes I do  and sometimes I feel lost. I am so sad to start this new year this way. I was hoping for a better start”-

don’t evaluate how you are doing in life based  on how you feel, not at this point and  not  for a long  time to come. Like I wrote to you in my last post, distress will be  your companion for some time .

Focus on what you do/ how you function, not on how you feel. Evaluate a good day or a bad day  not by how you felt during the day, but by how you functioned that day.

Why don’t you list a few objectives  at the  beginning of each day and look at that list at different times  of the day, especially when you feel lonely and distressed?

anita

Dear Nichole:

You are welcome.

Yes, it is that “well I guess a lifetime of abuse” that is  the reason for the anxiety returning. I wish it wasn’t so. But I don’t make the rules,  unfortunately. Because if I made the rules I will feel good  forevermore and so will you, feeling good every day, every moment  of the day and then going to bed  with a smile,  looking forward to another good day to come.

It is my experience in childhood that keeps being reactivated. It  is not my  choosing, it is how the brain operates, automatically. If you lived your childhood in fear, your brain does its best to feel as little of it  as possible, not being present so to… well, not be there as much as possible. It  forgets a lot. It daydreams. But the fear, that is well recorded and  when we find  ourselves at a certain adult age, away from the  home of origin, here is  that fear.

There is one more thing. That home  of origin, it wasn’t bad all the time. There were moments of affection, of comfort, peace and good food. There were smiles. So when we are away from the  home  of origin we miss those few comforts. I  think this is why  you  now feel lonely.

Hope is about a life where you are never  abused.  To find that  life,  you have to give up on and let  go of  the comfort mixed in that abuse that you had in your original home.

anita

Dear Nichole:

“I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and  than BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear, doubt, negative self talk, self hate,  insecurity”-

it happens all the time: our emotional experience of childhood gets activated in the present. Those early emotional experiences get well recorded in neuropathways in our brains, thoughts and emotions. As  time goes by, years and decades, we shed our skin but not our brain, it is the same brain, the same recorded experiences and these get reactivated.

Often we forget how we felt when we were children, trying  to remember… while all along we feel the same way as we did then. Notice how you feel now. This is how you felt then.

I do to. And yes, if I made the rules, you and I will  be  so very joyful right now, without sugar or drugs, just naturally joyful, bright eyed and bushy tailed. All the time. I would insert joyful beautiful dreams when asleep. Why not.

anita

Dear Nichole:

You mentioned being 30. What I suggest next will take about, I am guessing, two years to produce significant results. If you persist with what I will suggest next and not stop when you feel better (we feel better at times no matter what, it is not an indication of healing or progress, sometimes the brain simply takes a break from feeling bad), and  if you don’t stop because you don’t feel better, if you persist while you feel badly, then in two years, the progress you will make will be very significant. I suppose at 32 you can start dating a good man, be married and pregnant by 33, so it is realistic then, time wise, to go through the following:

Pause  between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling by doing something impulsive (and often damaging). In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively, communicating with others effectively, living effectively, producing win-win interactions with others.

Functioning effectively and producing those win-win interactions (avoiding people with whom such  is not possible) will make you feel better over time and give you the practice you need  toward that future win-win relationship with the man you will marry in the future.

Take  breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks, hot baths, any variety of activities that can be considered to be healthy distractions or distractions that are not harmful. Make a routine of such distractions, ex., a walk  per day at a certain time, if possible.

When you experience conflicts with other people, it is time for conflict resolution skills, win-win solutions. These will be opportunities for you to learn and practice such, which will helpful to you in that future relationship with your husband and your children, teaching them these skills that you learned  and practiced for a few years before they will come into the world!

Quality psychotherapy may be  a must along the way. More insight into your childhood, seeing what really happened there will be helpful. A capable  therapist will also teach you skills such as healthy distractions, mindfulness, breathing to  relax, etc.

Read about and practice Mindfulness, exercise it daily. A self help book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may help, such as CBT for Dummies, if you don’t mind the title (I started CBT with that workbook).  Guided meditations with the theme of mindfulness are also a good idea.

This is what  I have in mind for now, keep writing  to me if you want and I will probably come up with more things.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I think you’ve been functioning well and I am impressed that following two weeks of high anxiety you are still sensible, coming up with the sensible idea of renting an Airbnb.

I am also sorry to read that indeed living with your aunt is not a good idea. I wish it was, but it is not. If I was  in your place, I wouldn’t be able to endure her behavior, texting you throughout the day, for crying out loud. I would need an aunt that will let me be, leave me alone to breathe.

Living with your father is a bad idea, and living with your aunt is not a better idea. So now, better live elsewhere, a third option. I wouldn’t put any effort in trying to communicate better with your aunt but get out of there as soon as possible.

I will soon be away from the computer for the next fifteen hours or so. I hope  to read from you when I am back.

Keep persevering, don’t give up and don’t give in and life will get better.

anita

Dear Nichole:

You wrote about Chicago, “everyone needs something will I ever live the life I want for myself?, and in Chicago, you “have been living everyone else’s life” .

You also wrote: “Family will always be there when you need them”- but what you need is to live the life you want for yourself, to live your own life, not everyone else’s, so clearly Chicago is not the right place for you.

Maybe in Florida (or elsewhere, away from Chicago) you can live the life you want for yourself, your own life.

You wrote: “I am still sad, and hurt, and anxious but am ambitious for the future”, what a wonderful testimony, ambition in spite of the presence of fear, sadness and hurt. Fear will continue to be a reality, it does follow us “like a leach”, but keep that excitement, that ambition and may these carry you through the fear and doubt.

There is no doubt in my mind that the right thing for you is to live your own life. I am excited for you!

I will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Anxiety is the human condition, everyone is anxious. I didn’t meet yet in person or online a person who is not anxious. Key is to not get alarmed when you experience a spike in anxiety, figuring there is something abnormal about you. Who does not feel extremes of anxiety at one time and a surprising calm at another time, or depression and then a surge of  hope and even joy.

You are lonely and anxious, some days more than others, you experience fluctuations of moods because you are human and the brain fluctuates, everyone’s brain fluctuate.

Don’t panic, you are okay. You  will feel better soon. Function as if you are okay and sooner than later you will feel okay again. Endure the spikes in anxiety, calm yourself best you can when that happens, don’t panic, don’t catastrophize, function sensibly and life will be better.

I will soon be away from the computer for about twelve hours. I sure hope you feel better soon and I hope to read from you when I am back to the computer.

anita