Dear Nichole:

If what you are referring to in regards to happily-ever-after is what you already experienced for six months before, then yes, of course you can experience that again. But those six months were not perfect, just much better than now, correct?

“All I had to say was NO! Why didn’t I?”- I don’t know the story behind that sentence. I don’t really know what happened after your other aunt died, what transpired (I know a few disconnected details, but not the story!). Do you want to tell me about that NO, what you are referring to and what happened???

anita

Dear Nichole:

Your younger brother suggested a meeting, for what purpose? And what happened there? (don’t share if it stresses you out)

* I will be away from the computer for a while.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Your older brother who sexually abused you for years, and who never acknowledged to you that he did, never expressed regret for what he has done for years, proceeded to recently accuse you of being a bad godmother to his child and of pushing your mother to her death, did I understand correctly?

(If I did understand correctly, I didn’t get it until just now, that he accused you of these things recently)

Can you tell me what he specifically say in that meeting, word for word, best you remember, what others said and how that meeting ended?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Here is what I see from where I am:

1. Your older brother should pay you significant financial restitution for having sexually abused you when you were a child and he was significantly older than you, abuse that took place for many years.

He has no right to criticize you in any way, shape or form. Telling you, “be a f*&** godmother!” is obscene, coming from the mouth of a sexual predator.

My recommendation is that you end any and all contact with him, his partner and his children. Because you live far away from them and therefore his children are not emotionally attached to you, this will not hurt his children. (I forgot if he has one child or more).

2. Your father is half responsible for the miserable childhood you suffered, including for not noticing and/ or protecting you from said sexual abuse. You have no duties and no obligations toward your father. He did you no favors, you owe him nothing.

3. Your other brother, he is the only person of the bunch who may have a bit of a heart. Except that his comment that you pushed your mother to her death is very incorrect. I can see that he is not aware of what happened. You didn’t push her toward her death, for crying out loud! What a terrible accusation which I hope came from his confusion and misunderstanding.

For as long as he doesn’t ask you for money (my previous concern), he may be the only person you may want to have contact with, if he takes back what he said. If he truly understands that his accusation was untrue.

4. I would forget about the aunts, uncles and cousins.

Another point, sure you were full of anger during that meeting, how can it possibly be otherwise? I mean you were sitting with a man who sexually abused you, a father who didn’t protect you and who didn’t take care of you as a child, a family that is so far, far from what you needed all along. How wouldn’t you be angry.

You can not empty your brain from the injustices done to you by these people. The law of Cause and Effect doesn’t allow cancelling the Effect, it will be like trying to cancel gravity.

Your anger is a problem because it will come up against people in your life that you will meet and who didn’t do you any harm. This is where your anger will be a problem. Not with these people you were sitting with in that meeting.

– when will you give up on the delusion that you have a … loving family and that you are the reason things went wrong, not them… but you? A child is not responsible for what the adults or for older siblings do to the child or allow to happen to the child. What went wrong when you were a child, was the responsibility of those older than you. And it is these older-than-you-people, all of them older than you, in that meeting.

anita

Dear Nichole:

If it helps, I wasn’t in a better shape than you are now when I was your age, and for a ong time. I am doing so much better now, in the last few years, and so can you!

Why did you hand your power over? Because you were never safe within your family and you keep wanting them to give you that feeing of safety. Nothing feels better for a scared child/ adult than the feeling of safety. So, it is that hope for the best feeling in the world that you keep chasing.

I don’t like the idea of you meeting your older brother for dinner. What does he want.. what do you want from such a meeting?

anita

Dear Nichole:

If you attend that dinner so to say goodbye, to let your family know that you will be taking time away from them all, no contact for as long as it takes you to heal, then it may be a good idea to attend that dinner.

Don’t give them your power again if you meet them. It may be an opportunity for you to take your power back by asserting no- contact for as long as it will take you to heal.

anita