Dear Nichole:

“Am I the one who is causing this?”- can you list “this”, that is the thing or things you think you may have caused most recently?

anita

Dear Nichole:

I am going to quote you from 10 days ago regarding your aunt with whom you live (May 13) and from yesterday (May 22):

May 13: “We discussed my other Aunt going into hospice and losing her and she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her. It was actually really nice. I feel much better”.

May 22: “My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit out.. I fear I’ll never be happy again.. I don’t even have the strength anymore to get out of this house”.

May 13: “I understand she has problems and this is just a good time with her until the next punch in the face”

May 22: “My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit out… I fear I’ll never be happy again…. I don’t even have the strength anymore to get out of this house”.

May 13: “But it was nice…I am hoping she won’t hate me and we can continue a distant relationship. Family is so important to me… None of us are perfect…I am feeling very nostalgic. It worries me because I keep getting hurt”.

May 22: “My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit out with gaslighting and shaming. I fear I’ll never be happy again after this feeling. I don’t even have the strength anymore to get out of this house”.

And now, my question to you: is it time to let go of the nostalgia aka make-believe/ wishful thinking?

Sure “None of us are perfect”, but some of us are less imperfect than others. Please gravitate toward the less imperfect of us people, and you will feel better and become a healthier and better person yourself.

anita

Dear Nichole:

Maybe try this: look at your life not from a beginning point, that is looking at all that is in front of you and getting overwhelmed, but instead- look at your life from an ending point.

If you don’t make any changes, you will keep experiencing the same as you had already. You will be like that bird that kept flying into my window, getting hurt each time because the window is closed, but it keeps flying to it again and again, never getting through the window.. because it is closed.

So see yourself in your mind’s eye at 50 years old, sixty, seventy, still doing the same that you are doing now. I suppose this particular aunt will be dead by then, but you may have the brother who lives with your father presently, maybe you will repeat the flying-into-the-closed-window routine with him at 60 and 70.

That is the end point, now look from there at what is happening now. Maybe you can save 10 years of such waste, maybe even 20 years of such waste. Would you like to try, that is, to see if you can cut off a few years of flying into a closed window?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Of course you want “that blame and shame” to go away, these feel terrible!

I wish you could believe me when I tell you that these are emotions that are not based on the reality of who you are. After all, young children all over the world feel shame and guilt even though they are as innocent as can be, all loving, all caring, all eager to please, very honest, so very trustworthy…

– and yet they feel shame and guilt because they are made to feel that by the grown ups in their lives, the ones who are not honest, angry, lashing out at those who depend on them and look up to them as all good.

Look at that innocent child in you, Nichole. Look in the mirror, look in her eyes, and tell me what you see (I will be waiting)?

anita

Dear Nichole:

“I don’t understand how this happens”- it happens often, a whole lot.

“my family killed that little girl… My family has slowly killed my confidence and my hopes and dreams”- it happens a lot. It happened to me too.

This is why it is important to get away from a family who does that!

Remember the image of the bird who keeps flying into a closed window in an attempt to get through the window, keeps hurting its head but trying again and again. This is what I did and this is what you did.

Isn’t it time to stop, to give up on a moment-here, a moment-there of joy with family so to avoid the crashing down, like the crash you suffered most recently, still suffering?

anita

Dear Nichole:

I think it is a good plan, to leave as soon as possible, absolutely, but make sure you promise yourself to never go back, leave for good this time.

“Will I get my hopes and dreams back?”- yes you will. Your family did not kill you completely yet, you are still alive, and hopes are in the very nature of being alive.

Get away from “these soul sucking creatures” and don’t go back to them when things are tough away from them. Things will be tough because the injuries you sustained within your family will not disappear because you  put physical distance between you and them. It will prevent further injuries, but the injuries already sustained will be travelling with you wherever you travel to.

But away, for good, you will have the opportunity to heal from those injuries as much as it is possible to heal. This is exciting for me, to think of you healing, away.

anita

Dear Nichole:

“people really want to bring you down. Your own family… I feel that I will never be the same”- I share your sentiment and I believe it is true, you will never be the same, nor will I be. No child betrayed can ever be the same. That complete trust in family that was is a thing of the past. No such trust is possible again, that blind trust. A young child is not able to imagine her trust being betrayed, it is not a possibility in her mind. When it happens, that child is changed forever.

But hope and dreams are still possible, life is still life, broken trees continue to grow.. in a different direction, an animal with a broken leg learns to use its other three legs and keeps moving.

“How can I do this?” you asked. Do all the practical things that need to be done. If there was someone to help you with those practical things, that would be a good thing, someone you know that lives around you who will be willing to help you pack, go with you to errands that need to be done. Anyone like that?

anita

Dear Nichole:

How about taking a hot bath? Are you alone now and can you do that, take a hot bath, sinking into the water and relaxing that urgency that you feel?

If so, please do that and write me when you are done. I am here and will wait for you. Take your time.

anita