Home→Forums→Relationships→Growing attached too quickly (to 'impossible' guys)?
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Kassi.
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March 23, 2015 at 2:51 pm #74333
KassiParticipantDear forum members, I’ve been struggling with this problem for a while now.
When I meet a guy and something about him really strikes a chord within me (though most of the time, I’m not even sure what that something is), I can’t help falling for him very quickly. The more impossible the situation, the better. In the past, this usually happened to me when I was travelling in other countries, either falling for a local or another traveller (or even someone visiting my own country and then leaving). I’ve been hurt very badly before, so I should actually know better, but funny enough, it seems to have happened to me once again. Quite recently (a bit over a week ago actually…), I was visiting another European city with a friend, and I met this guy who’s been living there for a few years, but he’s actually from South America. So he’s the travelling type of person, kind of similar to me. We are in touch now, writing messages, and we think about talking on Skype soon. So I noticed that I started liking him and I think about him a lot, although I hardly know him. I shouldn’t forget that we live in two different countries after all, and who knows when, if at all, we could see each other again (by plane we are about 3 hours away from each other).
It’s also weird that I can’t seem to feel attracted enough to guys from my own country. As if they’re just too boring for me. There is this one guy I’ve known for a few months now, we went out together, and he is a great person: incredibly friendly, helpful, romantic, intelligent…but I just don’t feel a spark with him. As if he’s too easy to have somehow. I should probably add that I’m doing therapy for anxiety reasons at the moment, and a lot of it has to do with close romantic relationships. I’m pretty sure my behaviour as I described above has to do with the fact that I’m avoiding a real commitment with another person.
I’m not saying those kinds of scenarios of being with someone from another country are always impossible and never work out, but they are much more complicated somehow than other relationships.
What I’d like to know now is if anyone has experienced something similar? How did you deal with this? How can I not let this excitement and fantasy in my head get ahead of me, and instead be more composed and realistic? I am 24 years old btw.March 23, 2015 at 6:50 pm #74337
RCParticipantHi Kassi,
I went through a similar thing when I was younger where I would pursue men that I deemed as “unobtainable,” I would try and get the attention or affection of coaches, teachers, bosses, people who were in positions where they would not have been allowed to date me. For me it was more of a game than actually wanting a relationship. I don’t think this is what you’re describing, but I wonder if what lies underneath may be similar. For me, I was really scared of intimacy and of being vulnerable to men, having been hurt physically and psychologically in the past, so I went after guys that I thought I could never get. I realized that I was subconsciously thinking that if I could never get them, I could enjoy the flirtation but never actually have to make myself truly vulnerable to them because there were things in place socially to keep us at a distance. In my head the idea of them was so much better than actually having them so I just created fantasy after fantasy skipping from one person to the next. If it started to get too personal and intimate, I would have a ton of reasons why it had to stop. Needless to say that was a messy situation. My attraction to the “impossible” was a reluctance to have someone around who might actually SEE me. It was easier to give my affection to someone who I could immediately create distance from. When I had a lot of control of what they were perceiving of me I felt safe.
I hope you will reconsider the notion that all men from your country are “boring.” If you decide that, you may miss the ones that actually aren’t boring at all! It seems like you enjoy a challenge when it comes to finding a partner. I am the same way so I completely understand that! It’s fun to pursue someone and put energy into creating what might end up turning into a relationship.
That being said, all different kinds of relationships work for different people. It sounds like you don’t want fleeting long-distance relationships with strangers, so what do you want? I think if you figure out what you really want you can figure out how to get it. 🙂
Sending love your way!
March 24, 2015 at 11:02 am #74362KassiParticipantDear Rosecarman,
thank you for your helpful response! I’ve already felt some relief when I read it today. It rings very true what you said about vulnerability and how it’s easier to keep partners at a safe distance if you’re not willing to face that fear of being hurt. I recognise myself in this, but I’m also trying to work on my trust issues and on becoming more open in the future. Also, I’ve heard from friends before that I’m someone who’s looking for challenges, not only in my love life, but in all kinds of different ways. Maybe that’s all a part of my inner feeling of restlessness.
I hope that the confusion about what I actually want will lift soon and that I’ll be able to truly enjoy being close to someone else then. I’ve always liked the idea of sharing my wanderlust with someone else, so I can’t imagine being with a person that’s not as curious about seeing other parts of the world as I am, but you never know. Maybe that’ll also change as I get to know myself better and become more mature.
It’s sounds as if you’re past your ‘infatuation phase’ with impossible guys, and I’m glad about that 🙂 hope I’ll get there too!love, Kassi
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