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Growing attached too quickly (to 'impossible' guys)?

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  • March 23, 2015 at 6:50 pm #74337
    RC
    Participant

    Hi Kassi,

    I went through a similar thing when I was younger where I would pursue men that I deemed as “unobtainable,” I would try and get the attention or affection of coaches, teachers, bosses, people who were in positions where they would not have been allowed to date me. For me it was more of a game than actually wanting a relationship. I don’t think this is what you’re describing, but I wonder if what lies underneath may be similar. For me, I was really scared of intimacy and of being vulnerable to men, having been hurt physically and psychologically in the past, so I went after guys that I thought I could never get. I realized that I was subconsciously thinking that if I could never get them, I could enjoy the flirtation but never actually have to make myself truly vulnerable to them because there were things in place socially to keep us at a distance. In my head the idea of them was so much better than actually having them so I just created fantasy after fantasy skipping from one person to the next. If it started to get too personal and intimate, I would have a ton of reasons why it had to stop. Needless to say that was a messy situation. My attraction to the “impossible” was a reluctance to have someone around who might actually SEE me. It was easier to give my affection to someone who I could immediately create distance from. When I had a lot of control of what they were perceiving of me I felt safe.

    I hope you will reconsider the notion that all men from your country are “boring.” If you decide that, you may miss the ones that actually aren’t boring at all! It seems like you enjoy a challenge when it comes to finding a partner. I am the same way so I completely understand that! It’s fun to pursue someone and put energy into creating what might end up turning into a relationship.

    That being said, all different kinds of relationships work for different people. It sounds like you don’t want fleeting long-distance relationships with strangers, so what do you want? I think if you figure out what you really want you can figure out how to get it. 🙂

    Sending love your way!

    March 24, 2015 at 11:02 am #74362
    Kassi
    Participant

    Dear Rosecarman,

    thank you for your helpful response! I’ve already felt some relief when I read it today. It rings very true what you said about vulnerability and how it’s easier to keep partners at a safe distance if you’re not willing to face that fear of being hurt. I recognise myself in this, but I’m also trying to work on my trust issues and on becoming more open in the future. Also, I’ve heard from friends before that I’m someone who’s looking for challenges, not only in my love life, but in all kinds of different ways. Maybe that’s all a part of my inner feeling of restlessness.
    I hope that the confusion about what I actually want will lift soon and that I’ll be able to truly enjoy being close to someone else then. I’ve always liked the idea of sharing my wanderlust with someone else, so I can’t imagine being with a person that’s not as curious about seeing other parts of the world as I am, but you never know. Maybe that’ll also change as I get to know myself better and become more mature.
    It’s sounds as if you’re past your ‘infatuation phase’ with impossible guys, and I’m glad about that 🙂 hope I’ll get there too!

    love, Kassi

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