Dear D:

“I almost moved to NH last month, had a lease and everything… then, on the day I was supposed to leave (the day after my Grandson’s birthday, I couldn’t do it)… The guilt (and concern) I feel stems from the following…What if my leaving makes my grandson sad?… I don’t want him to think I ‘left’… My life-long battle with depression also contributes…  I am an HSP…  I worry about possible emergencies arising and my daughter needing help …  I was raised in a very large, Italian family with more females than males. We are always helping, we get things done, and yes, we often provide advice (unsolicited most often and with good intentions)”-

– you were raised in a large Italian family where advice and help were often provided with good intentions and things got done.. but I get the feeling that something was lacking, or something was wrong: someone left you, physically or emotionally, or maybe no one was there for you the way you needed someone to be there for you. As a result, you were too often a hurt, sad little girl who needed help but didn’t get the help she needed. Maybe you see that hurt, sad little girl in your grandson and you want to help him the way you needed to be helped. You want to be there for him the way no one was there for you.

Any of this rings true?

anita

Dear D:

You are welcome. I am sorry that you were violated when you were 8 or younger, and I wish that the violator was indeed held accountable and disciplined. If I understand correctly, your parents knew about the violation, but they kept it a secret and did not seek justice. When the violator was not held accountable, week after week, for months and years…  it felt (?) as if your violation was not a big deal to your parents, not important enough for them to do something about it. Alone with the violation, the impact was not soothed, or lessened.

“I made sure my daughter knew (when age appropriate) that if anyone violated her – in any way – and regardless of who they might be, it was okay to tell me and we would handle it together“- together is key. You were alone with this growing up, for years. (You did right by your daughter!)

This is relevant to your current struggle this way, as I understand it: you project your sad, alone-feelings to your grandson, imagining that if you leave LA, he would feel as alone and as sad as you felt growing up (during and post-violation). If you remove this projection- and assuming that he was not violated and unsupported himself- .. then you would realize that after you leave LA,  he would be far less sad and far, far less alone than you imagine. Separating your experience from his would make leaving so much easier.

Further processing your violation will help with this separation. This is a sensitive topic, of course, and I understand your unwillingness to provide details. I wouldn’t feel comfortable reading about the details (or sharing such details myself), especially being that this is a public forum. But if, and only if-  you want to talk about it here to one extent or another, without the details, you are welcome to do so. I also have the experience of being violated in childhood and onward, with no justice sought or served, a painful experience indeed. We can talk about it- or not. Regardless, you are welcome to post again on this topic or on any other topic.

anita