Dear Maharani:

In case you do answer me, I will be back to the computer in about 15 hours and will reply to you then. I hope other members will reply to you before then.

anita

Dear Maharani:

I want to repeat your story for the purpose of understanding better:

As a child, you often witnessed your parents fighting. Your mother was often angry at you, yelled at you and threw things at you. But when your father was around she was good to you.

You used drugs so not to feel your anger. Sometimes when you are angry you punch things to the point your hands hurt, get bruised, even bleed. One time you dislocated your arm.  At one point you started cutting yourself so to feel less angry.

You wrote that if you were dead, “there will be one less problem for my family”. You wrote that you “don’t really have any purpose for life”. Sometimes occupying yourself with work, travel and being in relationships  helps, but then it gets bad again, or worse.

You are no  longer in contact with your father but you are in contact with your mother.

My input this morning: you are understandably angry. One person you are angry at is your mother. Understandably, because she has hurt you a whole lot for many years, day in and day out, yelling at you, throwing things at you and otherwise. When she found out you punched something in your room or noticed your hands hurt from punching, she yelled at you more. She didn’t try to help you; instead she continued to hurt you.

Understandably, you are angry at your mother.

To lower your anger you tried drugs, distractions (job, travel, relationships), punching things, cutting; you ended your relationship with your father,  and you are still angry (and anxious, depressed, suffering insomnia and gastritis).

You are in contact with your mother, you wrote. Does she still yell at you? Does she throw things at you? Otherwise, does she blame you for things, criticize you…?

Or did she stop mistreating you, sincerely apologize for her past mistreatment and is she saving money or arranging to get the money for the therapy you need to attend to start healing from the damage she caused you?

anita

Dear Maharani:

I understand. Our mothers are very, very important people in our minds. No matter who they are and what they do.

But notice this: you love your mother now and you loved your mother ever since you were a child. This is why it hurt so much that she yelled at you and mistreated you in other ways. It hurt so much to see the person you looked up to, the person you loved most in the whole world, the person you trusted, treat you badly, disrespect you, betray your trust, hurt your feelings again and again.. and yet again.

Problem is this reality: this person has hurt you and is still hurting you. She did not correct her behavior, did not express regret and did not try to do something to help you heal from the damage she caused you.

When person A hurts person B, it is only instinctive and automatic for person B to feel anger at person A.

You are person B.

How can you possibly stop feeling angry at her?

anita

Hi Maharani,

Only way to stop feeling anger is to ‘forgive’ and move forward in life. Forgiving someone for the wrong they did is not easy..especially close relative, but its the only way forward. Regarding yelling and raising hand, know that I am a mom and sometimes in the heat of moment, I have done the same to my kids. Also, know that I have been beaten up too as a child as its pretty common in India. Try to understand where your parents are coming from, they have been handled the same way as you, and its a vicious cycle that goes forever until someone stops it. Sometimes situation is more dire (as in your case) when husband is not good towards wife. All the anger related to the husband falls on the children and they become scapegoat. Human psychology is complex. It will be long road to healing, and I pray that you find light.

Take care,

V