The pain and misery that I’ve experienced is due to past trauma and unknown mental illness. I have experienced depression since I was in the 7th grade (now I am a senior in grade 12), and it has only gotten worse throughout the years.

My parents had high expectations of me, they expected me to excel in studies. Although I love learning, it became difficult for me to study which resulted in me failing some courses in high school. But now I am in a program where there is much more support for me and my studies.

But all throughout high school my anxiety and depression was very severe, I have had suicidal tendencies and self-destructive behaviour. And what baffles me is that despite being suicidal and hard on myself, my boyfriend stayed through all that, he was always by my side and never made me feel alone. He tried his best to support me and I will always be grateful for that.

I deal with a lot of self hate because I think I am not worthy of anything. I think that I do not deserve to be happy. Some days, I wonder why I should even try to be happy because in the end I will experience pain again. Because happiness does not last forever.

But I realized that when I put effort into bettering myself, I experienced something I hadn’t experienced before and that was happiness and love. I fell in love and experienced pure joy for the first time in forever. I remember the good days I spent with my lover and I cherish those memories. Because he taught me to love myself, he taught me to be bold. He taught me a lot of things and I will forever be grateful for that.

But in December, everything went downhill. My negative thoughts came back and I was hurting myself and very suicidal. I had to go to the ER and I was very upset and hurt. There was a lot going on in my life, but I had hope.

Sometimes I think to myself why should I even try, but I realize that I just want to feel happy one more time before I die. I want to be able to live the best life I can. I want to try. I have a lot of hope now. I just want to be able to feel alive again.

Sorry if this didn’t make sense, I had a lot of trouble writing this out and I just wanted to share my experience with you. I just wrote whatever was on my mind.

The main problems I have are my depression and anxiety causing me to think negatively which affects my mood.

In my relationship, I experienced a lot of anxiety thinking that my partner did not love me (which he does) and that he did not care about me. There were a lot of irrational thoughts.

Hi Anita,

I’m not sure why my parents never taught me this. I guess in our culture we were only taught to be kind to others and focus on studies to get a good job in the future. We were never taught anything else so I think that is why my parents didn’t think it was important for them.

In some way yes that does apply to me. But I think the love my parents showed me was in a different way, not through words but through actions. I think my father has a difficult time expressing his love for his children, so I think that may have caused the hole in my heart.

Hi Anita,

I am a very sensitive person so a minor thing may be traumatic for me. Back in middle school I got bullied and lost all my self confidence. I was always a people pleaser, I did not care about myself instead I would try my best to help others as I’m a person that cares a lot. That to me is traumatic, the bullying and the horrible memories I had. I think that may have worsened my social anxiety and anxiety in general. I always assume people hate me, and I am not worthy of love.

As for my father, I love him so much and I know he loves me too. But he would always expect so much from me, all he wanted was for me to excel in my studies and unfortunately, I could not. I disappointed him. I tried so hard to make him proud but I feel like I never can.. that left a hole in my heart.

And take as long as you’d like, you can reply whenever 🙂

Hi Anita,

I think both of those heavily impacted my self-esteem and self-confidence. My depression stemmed from the high expectations of my father, and the anxiety rose from the bullying. As a result, I am very insecure and question everything and everyone around me.