Home→Forums→Tough Times→Going mad or finding sanity?
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January 9, 2014 at 4:39 am #48768wispParticipant
It’s difficult to say what is going on for me while I’m feeling very confused.
All I know is that on Monday I struggled to physically and mentally to get myself up and into the car for another day at work. On the way to work the anxiety was building and building until I got near to work and realised that I could not do it…not today. I just did not have the energy to put on my ‘mask’ and go into work with it firmly in place. I was in a state of panic and a great deal of emotional pain. I rang in sick and sat on the car park for an hour and half wondering what the hell was going on and what I was going to do next. I was an utter mess mentally and emotionally. I have never rung in sick…ever. 4 days later I am still not at work. I am so confused about what is going on.
I have been told by a couple of close people that I am doing the most healthiest thing I have ever done….my husband tells me he thinks I’ve finally broken down and has it coming for months. I keep hearing the voices of people at work asking me what’s wrong and me answering I have absolutely no idea. I think I enjoy my job but I am aware that the extensive shifts and weekend work has been getting me down for a long time. I see everybody else coping just fine! The amount of time I spent at work at one time in my life was useful…work was a distraction, escapism, focus and has even been my ‘home’. This was especially true when I was struggling with my husbands alcoholism. He is now 3 years sober and I have been in a support group for families affected by alcoholism for over 2 years. I realised that while my husbands obsession was alcohol…my obsession was him. Our relationship now has the chance to be healthy…my husband has changed so much in the last 3 years…he has found gratitude and humility in his life…it’s what keeps him sober. I know I have I have made some progress in my own recovery, however, my underlying self-hatred and self-loathing still rears it’s ugly head. I have regret for my past…my life never really had any direction even before I met my husband and I constantly project about the future. I cannot find anything to fill the big, dark, empty hole that I feel inside me…I feel I’ve been searching all my life but I never feel satisfied, nothing ever ‘does it’ for me. I’ll get married, I’ll start running, I’ll get a good job, I’ll eat healthily, I’ll go on holiday….nothing.ever.fixes.it. I get agitated and angry with my feeling of dissatisfaction and start thinking that maybe it’s my husband. Maybe I need to just go away somewhere. I get angry that I know I could never to do this anyway…whether it’s the right or wrong thing to do. I’ll have really good periods when I feel great, everything’s going well, I’m running lots which makes me feel good, I’m eating well, life seems to be ok…I feel great but then something will happen…either something doesn’t go my way, or my husband doesn’t react in a way I wished he would, or I can’t do something I want to do because of work shifts and then I start spiralling down into self-loathing, thoughts of death, very dark thoughts.
This is where I had been at the weekend before what happened on Monday. I had been in a very dark place for days. I don’t know how id got to work the week before, my body was extremely fatigued. I was getting more and more agitated and angry…it was affecting my husband and he told me so. I was pushing him away…If I carried on, I would push him too far and reinforce my fear of abandonment.
So, I am sat here today wondering what on earths happening too me and why I’m not a work. Was it that what happened on Monday was my body’s way of saying ‘no, not this time, enoughs enough, you will stop and take stock of how you feel’? Really? I ask. After 3 years of my husband being sober, 2 years in a support group? Wasn’t I supposed to be getting better? Is this me getting better? Is this me subconsciously saying you are taking some time out, to give yourself some space you deserve and need? Taking some time out for what? I then ask. How do I explain to work that I’ve not been at work because I couldn’t do ”it ‘ anymore and I needed some time out?! They will think I’m mad surely?! My husband is likening my situation to the day when he realised, or was awakened to the fact that he could no longer do ‘it’ anymore…and that’s the day when he stopped drinking.
I be waffled.a lot. I feel like I am insane. I haven’t felt like this since I felt insane when my husband was drinking. It’s a scary place to be in. Thanks for listening.January 9, 2014 at 8:30 am #48777MattParticipantWisp,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark and uncomfortable things can become. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and inner peace. Sometimes when we spend a lot of effort wearing a mask, we become exhausted, spent. Then the mask falls away and we are left feeling broken, alone, and unlovable. Consider it isn’t the running or the group meetings that will produce joy inside you, rather, it is coming to accept that you are lovable as is. Yes, you rise and fall from happiness to sorrow. Lovable, normal. You have good days and bad days. Lovable, normal. A few things came to heart as I read and reflected on your story.
First, consider that Buddha taught we have a fundemental ignorance on how to find balance and joy. We’re born with a few rudimentary instincts, such as suckling and grasping, but most of what we become is the result of our parents and teachers showing us what “life” means, and how to engage with it. Unfortunately, parents and teachers are also imperfect, and so often leave their children and students with reflections of their burdens and ignorance. In your case, it seems like you’ve been left with a tangle of shame. Said differently, it seems that somewhere in your past, you learned that your lovablility is conditional, such as “happy people are lovable” or “successful people are worthy of love” or “we have to act well to be worthy of connection with others, worthy of respect, worthy of love”.
Often, this arises from some kind of abuse such as an emotionally distant (or codependent) parent, sexual abuse, or being neglected. Consider a child, receiving this kind of lesson from their parents. For instance, a parent might hit a child, and the child thinks they caused it, and so begins to look for “how to act” that doesn’t produce the anger in their parent. Said differently, if a parents love appears conditional, such as being loved when we act good and being abused when we act bad, then it inspires a journey of trying to find out how to be lovable, perfect, worthy. This is garbage, because no matter how hard we try, we will always make mistakes. Its part of learning. So, its a losing game to try to be good enough to be lovable, which thankfully isn’t how love actually works.
What we can do is begin to see how other people’s actions are not about us, have nothing to do with us. For instance, being hit by a parent is because of their hangups, not because of our mistakes. People at work thinking you’re crazy is about them and their failure to be compassionate for a sister in pain, not about you. Your husbands drinking was between him and his addictions/esteem/issues, not about you. Resting in this view, seeing the difference, the insignificance of other people’s opinions, allows for us to become more authentic. Said differently, the solution isn’t to find more inner strength to hold the mask longer, its dropping the mask.
The reason its not only helpful to drop the mask, but also incredibly freeing, is that when we step forward with honesty and authenticity, we become joyous. Consider for a moment that you have the seeds of joy already inside your heart. We all do. The way the seeds work is they begin to sprout as inspirations for action. Perhaps you see someone crying, and the inspiration arises to reach out to them. However, the mind immediately compares that inspiration to “what fits the mask” or “what will other people think of me showing her affection” and clamps down, stops the desire from leading to the action. In this way, we get in the habit of turning away from our heartsong, our loving desires. With our partners, this can arise as a desire to be close with them, to squish up against them and feel the warmth (emotionally, mentally, physically), but the mind says “don’t want to appear clingy, needy”. On and on the mind turns aside and ignores the whispers of desire from the heart.
This leads to a feeling of shame (or disconnection), which is much like feeling thirsty after walking through a desert. If we are ashamed of our thirst, we might refuse a glass someone offers, because we don’t want them to know how thirsty we are… because perhaps then they won’t love or respect us. After all, how stupid must we be to have ignored our thirst for so long! Or, if they know how thirsty we are, then they might have power over us, and hold the glass of water hostage until we submit to their will!
The thing is, there was never a desert.. its a result of the mask, its not inherent. You’re actually standing in a river, ignoring the rushing water, and frantically looking for someone to help you with your thirst. Your heart calls to you, inspires you, wishes to pour delicious fluid into your view, but the mask prevents it. If you can accept that your love is the river, then it can become much more simple. For instance, you felt stress and decided to stop going to work. Good, yes, makes sense, nearing breakdown, needing time and space and unwinding. Nothing odd or unusual in that choice. So. Did you relax? Did you self nurture? Or did you start beating yourself up within the first few seconds? Have you had any rest? Has your mind just been running and running? Is it that confusing then that you’re still tired? Still low?
With all that being said, perhaps the solution, dear sister, is to become more self nurturing. As we listen to the desires of the heart and body, the deeper yearnings in our gut and chest, we are far more nourishing to ourselves. Its OK that you get upset, confused, depressed. That is normal, usual and expected. But its also not something that is permanent, or unworkable. Said differently, when the sun shines, we go out and plant and tend and garden. When the moon rises, we snuggle down under some warm blankets and find rest, recharge our intuition, release, and breathe. For instance, we may take a bath with candles, listen to some soft music, or go sit in nature. We allow the past and the future to melt away, to become set down, and sit and breathe in the moment. As the mind races, say “yes, racing mind” and feel the body, the breath, the water on your skin, the grass on your feet, the sounds in your ears. Then maybe a breath or two of quiet mind arises, and then it remembers what your boss said to you and begins to race again. “Yes, racing mind, boss and job are important for sure, but not here, not now, now is for me, for the calmness and joy” and reattune to your breath, the music, the warm water, or whatever. This is much like drinking in the water of the river, which allows you to drink directly and become settled. Then, you won’t be thristy when someone offers you some less nourishing drink, such as conditional love, judgments, or shame. Said differently, if you get into a habit of better self nurturing, then other people thinking you’re crazy, brilliant, stupid, kind, ugly or beautiful won’t matter, because you wont be thirsty enough to drink their opinion. You’ll already know.
Namaste, dear sister, may your light reveal the path before you with gentleness and grace.
With warmth,
MattJanuary 15, 2014 at 2:26 am #49135S WilkieParticipantHello Wisp,
Matt really beautifully gives you some good pointers which I hope are already giving you comfort and relief.
I really feel for where you are right now. You sound so scared and confused and our natural instinct is to want to flee from the pain and discomfort and how it manifests ourselves in our lives. You are coming apart at the seams and it’s a terrifying experience but reading between the lines you are more than able to deal with this. Your mind becomes your enemy as your thoughts race through it (like Matt says). If I could offer any advice (and I’m qualified in no sense of the word other than as another human being who can empathise) then it would be face into the fury around you. You are more than any emotion or thought and you can master what you think to give you a degree of calm and peace. I agree that you get to a point where you feel like you are going crazy and that it will never end. I read somewhere that when this happens, what is really the case is that you are ready to transform and that it what you are experiencing is really an opportunity….however, when you are in that situation it sure doesn’t feel like it! You have no clarity, you can’t breath (literally sometimes), there is nowhere to turn or escape to, the future seems as hopeless as the now….we are wrong. Matt is right, you need to take some time to breath again and come back to yourself. You have had a tough time and a lot to cope with so show the same compassion to yourself that you would to another in the same situation. Your husband sounds like he understands and he can help you more…let him. You’ve obviously been there for him and now let him love you back.
Wisp – breath! This is a gift (although it probably doesn’t feel like it) to transform yourself and how you view/approach life. It’s not easy and so many people can’t accept the ‘gift’ because it is so uncomfortable but I urge you to press on and through. You WILL be okay and I say this only because where you were, I have been and if I can survive you can too, because I’m no better than you. I don’t have any special powers or circumstances that helped me. In fact, I’m still in those ‘circumstances’ that brought me to my knees but for the first time in my life (grand old age of 45) I have the clarity to see life from a clearer vantage point…and even though nothing is different outside I’ve never felt so calm and able to cope.
My thoughts are with you and I can only follow on from Matt and tell you to follow your path.
With much love and encouragement – SkinSkanx
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