Anita

I guess there is no point in trying to reason or logic with my family where there is none.

A few months ago when my grandmother was dying, the entire extended family and myself were keeping vigil at her home. The things I’ve had to put up with from my own family are frequent regular things in the extended family. It’s one of the few times I’m glad to be introvert because I could observe their behaviour, and see how it affects everybody in the family.

My family (I’m talking about the majority of my relatives here – aunts, uncles, cousins etc) are just insensitive, unaware, ignorant, there is no other polite way of putting it.

I have relatives who think they know what they are talking about when all they talk is a load of bull.

Most of my relatives are just pig-ignorant. One uncle in particular is a chauvinistic prejudiced bigot whose attitudes are still clearly stuck in the 1970s.

My relatives love to just be as obnoxious, loud and insensitive to everybody and make constant digs. I see them as being really insulting and rude to one another but they would deny this – they would just say “It’s just a bit of banter, we’re a family of piss takers…” They also love to say nasty things about people behind their back – one uncle referred to my cousin as “a lazy bitch” just because she’s having to take time off work due to serious medical issues. Makes me wonder what they might be saying about me behind my back!

I have relatives who think they are so above everybody else just because they are “academics”; they have important letters after their names, they teach and they have more than one degree and they wave these things around like badges of superiority.

And then I have relatives who take the brutally honest approach when they don’t like certain people. One uncle is verbally abusive and delights in shouting and calling his kids every name under the sun – I think it is fair to say my cousins are pretty damaged now.

You can try and logic and reason and argue with these people until the cows come home but that will accomplish nothing because everybody has to have the last word.

The point I’m trying to make here? Cause and effect. There has to be some cause for these people to act the way they do.

I don’t know what the cause is. I’m not in any way implying my grandmother was a failure at raising her children but she did always speak her mind when she smelt b.s. Maybe it’s a generational, societal and cultural thing – my parents, uncles and aunts were born and raised in 50’s and 60’s working class England.

I guess some family members and siblings are just living up to their roles – maybe all older siblings are bossy and like to boss and bully their younger siblings; parents have to give them responsibility to look after their younger siblings and some people just abuse responsibility. My older sister got to take me and my younger sister out to the city centre – my mom had given us some pocket money but my older sister decided to spend it on herself. She has done things like that many times.

All of the relatives I have described, I can see in my siblings – the bossy condescending older sister (the academic aunt and her eldest daughter who has a doctorate), distant-yet-prone-to-verbal-abuse-and-physical-threats older brother (verbally abusive uncle) fowl-mouthed younger sister (combination of both)…It could be a genetic thing, I really don’t know. Nature vs nurture!

But back to your question Anita, arguing is absolutely futile with these people because they just deny everything, tell me I am talking a load of rubbish, making up stupid excuses for themselves…They don’t think the way they behave or treat me isn’t wrong…

If I had a pound for every time somebody used that age old excuse – “I was just joking!” I would be very wealthy indeed…

Being angry towards them isn’t going to help. I have a lot to say, and I am capable of being acid-tongued at the worst of times but I know this isn’t the way, and I am determined not to become emotionally abusive myself. It’s highly unlikely my family are going to think any differently and I don’t expect them to any more.

I do still have my sense of humour, and I think this works in my favour sometimes. I have quite a dry, sarcastic, deadpan sense of humour (reflective on my outlook on life which must have been shaped by these relatives!), and I’ve became very good at sniffing out b.s over the past year or so. I don’t think I’m even that funny but I’ve came across people who I thought wouldn’t appreciate my sense of humour and I’ve had them shrieking with laughter at some of the things I’ve came out with.

In spite of all this I do still love my parents, I just wish I could spend more quality time with them without my other siblings so this year I want to make a point of doing things with just my parents and nobody else. I think I said this in a previous post but my only happy childhood memories are from when I spent time with just me and my parents without the others. I couldn’t care less about my siblings at all – if we weren’t even in the same family I wouldn’t even be friends with any of them.

I think all families are mad to some extent and they probably don’t know it. I remember reading somewhere that it’s estimated that about 80% of all families are dysfunctional.

My favourite book in 2015 was ‘Sane New World’ by Ruby Wax and I highly recommend that people read it. She talks about depression, mindfulness and the effect family members can have on a person, but she manages to talk about all of these things in a humorous way. I must say reading this book has been a real eye-opener to a lot of this…

Anita (sorry for the delayed response 🙁 )

“Now, my question to you is: can you make the needed changes you need to make this year, make it so that you operate not as a “glutton for punishment” but operate for your own well being while you keep contact with family members? All of them?”

I feel like I’ve got this – like I said, I’m feeling pretty confident about myself lately. As for my family members – I guess people have no choice in the matter as to who they are related to. A phrase I’ve been pondering on over the past few days is “you kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar”. That’s not to say I’m not taking any more crap from anyone, but I do believe it’s possible to stand up for yourself without resorting to their standards.

My sister has always been and always will be super judgmental and critical of other people and I don’t expect she will stop being super judgmental or critical.

The next time she has something she would like to pick at, I’m just going to respectfully tell her I’m not okay with it. I’m nobodies scapegoat.

We’re not even close at all – my other siblings are all best pals with each other, they always phone each other and do things together, they only text me when they don’t have anybody else to talk to or when they need something like me putting money towards buying a big present for mothers or fathers day (I just buy my own just to spite them haha!) I’m okay with it – like I said before, if we weren’t related we wouldn’t be friends. We don’t share the same interests, we’re not into the same things. I know it sounds cruel and heartless but I can think of several other people I would happily spend time with instead of my siblings.

I’m 24 and I’m old enough to make my own decisions. My grandmother passed away last October – she was the linchpin that kept the family and relatives together. Now she is no longer with us, I am under no obligation whatsoever to spend time with my other relatives and attend family functions.

My sister also has a nasty habit of being rude to me in front of everybody at family events and humiliating me. She plans to get married in Italy either this year or next. The truth is, I really don’t want to go. I’m not sure if I will be able to afford it and I don’t want my parents to pay for me to attend. Even if money wasn’t a problem, I don’t want to spend a lot of money to go to some snotty hotel just for my sister to be rude to me in front of all her guests. She is a very shallow, materialistic judgemental person and I just know she will find something to nit-pick over. I hate weddings – I hate making small talk, I just get ignored at these things. Am I right to not want to go to her wedding?