Hello D. To someone else, a week might not seem like much. But they don’t know what it’s like to lose a best friend, a constant companion. The person who occupies your thoughts in the shower, before bed, and excites you to get up for again. Even if they don’t share the bed with you, they are attached to your emotional being like two souls that brushed. To lose that friend is to lose the light of life, to lose the everything.

Darling, I know that suffering. It’s one thing to empathize; They changed medicine. Their mom died and now they are insecure about female relationships. But to have nothing? Nothing to empathize with, no reason? Cruelty.

If you do hear back from them, can you post it? If you decide to let it go, will you post how you got through it and how you felt? I’d really like to know.

I found, myself, with a direct e-mail that was short but not too open (it’s easy to ignore open), that I would at least get a one line ‘Do whatever you want.’ Response. Open would be a question like, “Are you okay?” or “Talk to me when you can.” Direct is simply, “Are we done speaking?”

If composing a parting e-mail, I found more peace if I showed love in the goodbye than digging for a response. It makes a person feel like they gave all they could, so nothing better could have happened. “Thank you for what you helped me learn.” Sending it is an act of personal closure, if you really are done. But if you wanted a response and you’re willing to take an extra dose of pain & humility, you can still try.

Open:
“I’m really worried about you. Has something happened? If there is a problem, you can tell me, I only want to help. You’re my best friend and I miss you greatly. I’ll be here when you get a chance.”

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Gracy.

Dear D:

Do something to stand up for yourself against this abuse, this ghosting. It already happened. Don’t take it subdued, defeated.

anita

This helped me a lot:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

Additionally, when I lost the person I loved, I gave up work/school/and hid from family. Still went to gym, but it was one of the toughest, hardest parts of my life. Poor, no one, suffering, praying, crying dawn to dusk and miserable.

“Real love” did not fix all of those things, I had to fix myself, and learned just how happy I could be solo. But when the right person came into my life, it makes a world of difference. To have someone who communicates well, does their half of the work reliably, involves you in big choices, and tries to make a real home with you. It is worth sticking it all out for, to get to that point. And all of the prayer you do now, ALL of it, will be rewarded when you climb back up and realize what you really want to do. The world is more vivid and brighter than you ever could have imagined it to be, despite the problems residing. Perspectives change. I could not be here now, but God will always pull you through, and there is something he truly has in mind for you.

The person who came back to me, was the person who ghosted me in the first place, but they came to realization of what THEY wanted. We never could have worked without that change in BOTH of us. They grew as a person, by their own free will, and my patience. There was nothing I could do to make them or ask them, and neither can you for him as much as you wish he’d be different. God will bring the right one to you, if you leave the door open. It might be someone from before, maybe someone new, but that person needs to go through suffering too, to be prepared as the person who is tested and true and ready for your love.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Gracy.

You may be too late for D., girlHenry, but you’re just in time for me! I was ghosted in March by a man I’ve been seeing for 9+ years, and I was searching for grieving groups that had a place for people you and me. They’re hard to find! Then I found tinybuddha.com and saw this thread. I was so happy to see that you had posted recently because of the similar length of our relationships and the crazy irony that my love left me shortly before my birthday, as well.

I too wonder how D. is doing; but how are you doing? I’m struggling–I feel like an emotional ping-pong ball. Being older, I have less temptation to try to force answers, as life has told me that there are, most likely,  none that would really satisfy me. After all, what I really want is the ghosting never to have happened. But it has, and it must be accepted, however confusing and heart breaking.

If you’d like to have a dialogue with me, maybe we can help one another. Talking helps as well as anything else I’ve found–other than therapy, I guess, or a deep belief in a higher power which I, unfortunately, don’t have.

Whether we “talk” or don’t, I wish you the best of luck on this difficult journey.

Hi,  Chloe!

I was just drawn back here to this conversation and saw your post.

I totally relate to what you said–the devastation, the confusion, the constant questioning yourself, the loss of interest in life. I find myself in the darkest place I’ve ever been.

You’re right that letting go is what we have to do. People who “ghost” have a level of immaturity and inability to cope with conflict, or even simply difficult conversations, which pretty much precludes getting any closure from them. Psychologists seem to agree that we–the ghostees–have to find some way to move on without answers to our absolutely valid questions. But it’s incredibly hard, isn’t it?  Psychologists label ghosting as a cruel and torturous act. That’s part of what’s so hard–we wonder why we were singled out for torture…

Not that it really helps, but I think the answer is usually more about the ghoster than the ghostee. I know that Draughn really has a problem with conflict in an emotional setting. He knew how much I love and admire him and how shocked I would be by his leaving, so he took the path of least resistance for him. It’s sad and hard to understand because he is generally a very brave man. Too bad he took the coward’s way out when my heart and emotional well-being were at stake.

I’m sorry for your loss, Chloe, but I’m glad that, as you said, we can support one another as we take steps toward healing.