Hey Cindy,

Thank you so much. Just the comfort of knowing that I’m not alone is a DEFINITE help. Unfortunately, the time span for the memories to “get fuzzy” (as I like to say) is usually about five or so years, given my trauma of seeing Pink Floyd’s The Wall at 6 years old (and again at college, thinking I had “toughened up”…but didn’t). For some things, it never leaves. Episodes of Roseanne STILL haunt me at work and bother me so much, and the only way I can get rid of them is through something that involves me actively talking or being distracted by something nicer (oddly enough, quiet spaces can be WORSE for me, since they feel like more open space for the bad thoughts to come back).

This will take a long time, but your words and the presence of sites like TinyBuddha are definitively a great help. My heart goes out to all those who have been traumatized by far worse things, and I hope they will heal even faster than I will.

Much love and peace, ALWAYS,

Marc

Dear Will,

Mmm, thank you so much for making me feel so special and loved (although shame on ME, because I have SO MANY in my life who love me for me, and I too often let the stupid, bad thoughts crowd my head, with no room for the happier ones).

Your method is not weird at all. 🙂 I have heard it before, and it is VERY uncomfortable for me to think about, because it means thinking of the thought more and focusing on it (one of them was an extremely vivid shot of an innocent woman being shot in the head at point-blank range), which I already do 90% of the day at work (which causes so much agitation and pain). But this isn’t to say it doesn’t work for other people, so I do advocate it.

I have a similar thing that I do, usually at home where I can’t be found “weird” if I’m talking to myself openly: I like to take a stuffed animal (or simply imagine a creature of preference…would you believe it was a smaller version of Cerberus a few years back?) and have a “conversation” with him. Of course I throw my voice and imagine he’s talking to me, but in so doing, I get in touch with a “sensible” part of myself, one that is calming and understanding, knowing it to be me and finding the love in myself that can heal me, even if I’m personifying it externally. This also works when I write my stories. 🙂

In this process, I don’t talk TO the thought–I talk ABOUT the thought, openly. I bring it out in the open (a sort of release, maybe?), talk about it to my imaginary friend (re: me), and contemplate on why it’s so painful, why it had to exist in the first place, and the pain about thinking about it. The “self-understanding” that follows (“I totally understand,” “Ugh, that’s horrible,” “That should never have happened,” “These things are not worth concentrating on, Marc”) can help tons, and deal with it moderately well, though it doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t come back later.

So while I’m not sure your method works for me, I definitely appreciate and will try it, even more the comments on the heart that you see in me. 🙂 I am so mindful of my “dark self”, that it’s easy for me to forget about the light that exists in me. I like to wonder, am I the candle itself, whereas all I can see is darkness, but that’s only because the light is me? (Nah, that would mean the darkness is illuminated…ugh, I suck at building effective metaphors)

Well, whatever is going on through my jumbly head right now, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for YOU, for simply existing, and for being happy for my existence. 🙂 Rest assured that I will never stop loving and hopefully add to life. And if you ever see a top-hat-wearing walrus in your travels, be sure to introduce yourself, as I promise to hold you close to my heart for a good five minutes, if not longer. <3

All my love, care, and gratitude, ALWAYS,

— Marc/Royce

Hey Pamela,

I completely understand. I love video games, but don’t think of myself as a true “gamer” per se, and have NEVER truly fit in with other gamers or most of my own generation. I get shocked looks from peers when I say that I hated “Dogma” and most superhero movies, so I completely understand how you feel regarding chick flicks. I refuse to see The Notebook, either, though I no doubt believe it’s a wonderful movie. I get emotional enough in REAL LIFE…so I really don’t need a movie to make things worse. :-/

One of the bright sides of this whole thing was that it pushed me to avoid the upcoming “Deadpool” movie. As much as I love the character for how silly, funny, and trope-killing as he is, he’s also exceedingly violent, so if I couldn’t handle Kingsman, I doubt I’ll be able to handle Deadpool. I’m only depressed for how it separates me further from my peers. Maybe I’ll watch some Marx Brothers in retaliation or something (and I’m blessed to know others who share THAT interest. 😉 ).

Thank you thank you THANK YOU for your loving compliments and patience with me! It is truly a healthy, good forum like this (and awesome people like you) that gently heal me from any hurt. I will be sure to come back here in the future (hopefully to HELP as well as be helped), and if you’re in Pittsburgh around July 9-12, come visit and give the walrus a hug!! 😀 Blessed be!

— Royce/Marc