Getting over infatuation with someone who wasn't real

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This topic has 70 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 24, 2017 at 12:30 pm #150556

Anonymous
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Dear laelithia:

You expressed doubts about your behavior with him, while in the relationship and when he broke up with you. You wrote, if only you didn’t argue or expressed your insecurities… if only you were truer to yourself…

He is not having doubts about his behavior with you (or with the other women), is he? He is not wondering if he is true to himself, is he?

This means he is not likely to change his behavior: no distress-> no motivation to change.

You wrote that you “really can’t believe how someone can be so intensely interested in someone, and the next day it all ‘disappears’.” Can you imagine a person having no doubts about his behavior, whether he is true to himself… ? There are people who do not look into themselves.

And so, he was intensely interested in you, then he wasn’t- he was able to let all his emotions for you go because he is able to do so. And so, he is able to not be conflicted, to not feel distress. His ability to let go is serving him well (minimal distress), and he is not at all likely to change it. Why would he choose the distress that you are experiencing…?

This relationship is so much in the past, as I understand it, that each and every moment you dream of one is nothing but Fantasy. If you enjoy this fantasy, then fantasize, but do so knowing it is nothing but fantasy. Can you do that?

anita

May 24, 2017 at 7:03 pm #150592

laelithia
Participant

You bring up such good points, Anita. At times I’m envious of people like him that can sort of switch of their feelings, but when I really think about it, I would not want to trade places. I don’t think people like him are able to have real deep and lasting connections with others. Which of course, begs the question why I am still fantasizing about the relationship.

I believe what you said initially to my post is the real loss I am grieving. I am grieving what he represented at the time, the kind of man who I need to be with, who satisfies my craving for love and attention. The package he came in was simply a bonus, I believe.

Now that this fantasy has gone on this long (almost as long as the actual “relationship”!), I’m wondering what I should do moving forward. He seems indifferent at best and uninterested at worst to meeting with me, and I feel stuck. Part of me feels if I push it enough, he will meet with me, and I will be faced with my fantasy/illusion head on and will move on from it (I will see who he truly is), and part of me feels like I should just let it go as it is, cut all contact, and proceed without stripping anymore of my dignity to him.

What do you think should be my next step?

Thank you so much again for your patience and wisdom!

May 24, 2017 at 8:33 pm #150604

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

You are welcome, anytime.

He has been honest and consistent about his thoughts and feelings with you since the break up, and so he honestly communicated with you that he is, really, “indifferent at best and uninterested at worst”-

His stamp EXPIRED has been stamped long enough and the ink is dry. I suggest that you add your expired stamp to his. Have no contact with him. The relationship is over. What is not over is your craving, and your attachment to him as one representing what you crave.

And so, my suggestion is that, but also that you make a change in your life, a change that will lead you toward the love you crave.

anita

May 24, 2017 at 9:14 pm #150618

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

Yes, he has definitely stamped me with “expired”, that I know. I was more wondering if you still thought it was a good idea to meet with him for coffee, as you mentioned, in a different context. I think if I asked him to meet tomorrow (rather than his precious weekend time, it is his birthday and all) he would probably agree.

Then again, I wonder if a 6 hour drive, and essentially stroking his ego/coming off as a clingy ex is worth it. I’m just so confused on how the best way for me to move on is. I just want to kill this fantasy once and for all. I don’t know if seeing him in a different context would truly provide me the closure I crave, or it subconsciously it is just an excuse to see him again.

May 25, 2017 at 5:43 am #150642

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

If you drive three hours to and three hours back to see him for coffee, for a different context, you may see your Fantasy to be just that, a fantasy, and you may let it go. It is also possible that after the event, looking back on it, you will worry, once again, that you were not true to yourself, that you didn’t behave perfectly, and that is the reason why he (still) doesn’t love you anymore.

It can turn out worse: he may want a mini ride on that adventure park ride, one more drive in that car. That can take you to an intense High, followed by a crushing Low.

You are in a tough spot: you rationally understand that he is a Fantasy, but emotionally you are not convinced. You still hope, and that means, your heart didn’t catch up to your rational thinking. It brings this line to my mind: “The heart wants what the heart wants”-

Can you complete this sentence, for me: My heart wants ___________________

anita

May 25, 2017 at 7:50 am #150656

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

I’m so torn beteen the choices, I don’t even know what my heart wants. For some reason my gut is trllling me that if I’m going to see him, it has to this week/weekend. I think it’s because anymore time delaying it, will continue to “build up” this fantasy. I want to be able to move on from all of this the best way possible, and I just don’t know which option is the best.

I am 100% sure that I will not be taken for another ride with him, should he want that. I am worried though that if I do see him, rather than facing my fantasy head on, I might regress and miss him more afterwards. It’s so confusing! I don’t know if I would regret more seeing him, or not seeing him.

To make matters worse, I lost my job this week. I was planning on leaving anyway, but for it to happen that way, has been particularly traumatic for me and my clients. I’m also grieving that now, too. I’m worried I’m not thinking clearly, and Thai feeling of everything being rushed to make a decision is giving me a lot of anxiety. I really don’t know if I should try to see him today or tomorrow or not. It’s so difficult to know…

May 25, 2017 at 8:22 am #150658

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

When anxious we don’t think clearly. Anxiety/ distress creates this cognitive fog, so you are not even clear about what your heart wants. Your work situation changing adds to the distress and the result: “difficult to know…”-

Is there a way for you to take a break from it all- or maybe the long car drive, if you listen to music driving, may be that break. But a break, you need, so to calm down, so that the cognitive fog disperses and you can see better what to do next.

anita

May 26, 2017 at 1:10 pm #150818

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

I am with him now, I think it’s working! I’m not feeling how I did before. Do you think there’s anything in particular I should ask him?

Thank you again for all your help!

May 26, 2017 at 9:14 pm #150836

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

My goodness! I wish I was at the computer earlier. It is now eight hours after you wrote the above. I hope the meeting has been concluded by now!

I am concerned and hope to read from you by morning time (eight or so hours from now)!

anita

May 27, 2017 at 11:15 am #150894

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

Yes, it’s concluded now. The meeting served exactly the purpose you suggested. I was able to see that he was not the Fantasy I had envisioned. He was a regular, ordinary man. In my dreams I had imagined him to be so much more than he really was. He is flawed (as we all are!) and I realized once and for all he was not the person I had remembered/envisioned him to be.

I still miss this wonderful man I remember, but as time passes, I realize that it was never really him. This is both a relief, but also painfully sad. I think when I started this thread and named it what I did, deep down I already knew this. I’m going to work as hard as I can in this time of transition to truly look after myself so this cycle does not repeat.

As I reflect on this breakup and losing my job, I am reminded of a quote I read once. It read “While it may appear your life is falling apart, it’s laying the framework for rebuilding exactly as it should.” I believe this to be true for me, that this is an opportunity for me to solidify a strong foundation for my life, one grounded in reality. I promise to do my best to stay true to myself. Thank you so, so much for all your help in this process. As I’ve said before, I don’t think I could ever express my deep gratitude for your time, thoughtfulness and support.

I wish you the very best.

– L

May 27, 2017 at 11:36 am #150896

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

I am very pleased to read your last post. As humans, we can never be perfect, no such thing, and so, better not attempt to be the impossible. But we do experience moments of perfection. Your rational AND emotional understanding expressed in your last post is a moment of perfection. I will be copying and printing it so to have a hard copy of this moment of perfection.

As you proceed and experience moments of imperfection, hold on to this perfection, that is, return to reality, ground yourself in reality again and again, and you will greatly benefit.Post anytime you’d like.

anita

June 8, 2017 at 9:47 am #152380

Eliana
Participant

Hi Laeleathia,

I can really relate with you on this. I am currently on disability, and have due to being in a bad car accident, have resorted to meeting men online, mostly via Facebook, Google Plus, etc. I have met and developed romantic relationships, bonding and crushes with over 10 men embarrassed to say.

BBe careful with this. Many, if not most are scammers. They will come on strong at first, many times plagiarizing poetry and love letters from the internet from books like “message in a bottle” “The notebook” or other people’s stolen poetry. They say you are the love of their lives, that they have never met anyone like you, that you are the most beautiful, sexy, etc woman they have ever seen. They will woo you with you tube love songs, flowers. Once they know you have “fallen” for them..they will say they want you forever and want to marry you.

Then when they come to visit you to “propose” an unexpected” crisis will happen and they will ask you to wire them money to get them out of the crisis and you will never hear from them again. This is known as the 411 or Nigerian scam or “catphishing” and these men are all over free and sometimes paid online dating sites and social media sites. Don’t fall for it. Usually its money they are after. Just be careful.

June 12, 2017 at 9:30 pm #152888
laelithia
Participant
Hello again.

I’ve taken some time away, in the hopes that I could finally put all of this past me. Somehow though, I still find myself struggling despite knowing all that I do. I wrote this to him today, I have not sent it, yet for some reason I long to. I don’t know why. Anyway, here it is:

Dear J,

I’m writing you this to have closure for myself. It’s been 55 days since we “broke up”, and somehow I still find myself upset over what happened, missing you, and missing what I thought was a deep and meaningful connection. It’s clear you no longer (maybe you never did?) feel the same way, which is reason enough to let you go, yet somehow I find myself stuck in this place.

I think back to when it seemed like we were in love with each other, it felt like pure love to me that I had never had before. I was completely myself with you and I felt accepted and adored by you. I don’t know if you were pretending, but the way you attended to me made me feel so special, loved, and ultimately, yours. In the time since that went away, I’ve felt the opposite. Alone, unloved, discarded and unworthy. I keep dreaming (literally many nights) that the you I knew came back to me. This version of you is caring, attentive, loving, and most of all, mine. I honestly see who you are now as a completely different person. You have the same face, the same body, the same voice, but everything else is different. The other you, “my” you, would never have done what you have. He loved me, he was always there for me, always making sure I was okay. He thought I was special, he was going to marry me and we were going to have beautiful babies together. That dream still brings a tear to my eye, I’ve never wanted that with anyone before. I wanted it so badly, to be your person and you mine. I thought you did to.

What I don’t understand is why you stopped wanting it. Why you felt suddenly that you could do better, or that I wasn’t the one, or that this dream wasn’t as beautiful as you thought it was. I’m perpetually confused by it. I have so much to offer, this I know. I’m attractive, educated, successful, sociable and kind. Most of all, I adored you. I was proud of you, I wanted to do what I could to help you see yourself the way I saw you. I truly loved you in a way I haven’t anyone else. How could you let all of that go without a second thought, without trying to work it out with me? I don’t understand what happened for you to change your mind about me, to stop seeing my value and the life we could have had. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to fully let it go. I honestly do not understand, and I’m left in a state of confusion and hurt.

Maybe you can help me understand, maybe you have the answer. I was so happy when I thought you loved me, the happiest I have ever been. Why did it all go away?

⁃ L

Thank you for reading.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by laelithia.
June 13, 2017 at 9:13 am #152946

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

Welcome back to your own thread. I like your note to J very much: it is so very honest, intelligent, authentic to you… lovely!

You wrote: “I don’t understand what happened for you to change your mind about me, to stop seeing my value and the life we could have had. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to fully let it go. I honestly do not understand, and I’m left in a state of confusion and hurt.”

When we don’t understand a person’s behavior/ motivation (as you don’t understand J’s), we often enough do not accept the reality of their behavior. It is as if it didn’t happen. So I understand you not letting it go.

Reality is he had let it all go. You don’t understand why and how he managed to do it, but he did.

You can send him this note. I doubt that he will give you a satisfactory answer or answers, but you can try once again, to get an answer. Maybe he will have more than his previous answer (it “‘sort of just played itself out’”)

Here is a possible answer to his motivation: it was fun for him for as long as it was fun for him and then it stopped being fun, the fun “sort of just played itself out”- his own words.

What you perceived in that relationship was colored by your own perceptions, emotions, previous experiences. What you perceived was not what he perceived. It didn’t mean to him what it meant to you.

“Sort of played itself out”- I think that was his honest answer. He already gave you his answer.

anita

June 13, 2017 at 10:32 am #152966

Smiley
Participant

Oh my! I do feel for you because I’m of your age and that’s what I seek in a guy, too. I registered here only to post my sad story of 3 months – from day one, he was flirting and flirtation only increased over time to become too much, and from day one he’s been sending too many signals that make me think he genuinely loves me (including saying “I love you”, talking about his dream marriage and kids, calling me out for long trips abroad in the near future, etc.) but till date he doesn’t want to label the relationship (when confronted, he’d give diplomatic or silly answers like “we’re spiritually incompatible”) while increasing the flirtation!

Some time after the earlier stages, I was meant to think he was really into me because he’d share everything with me, till he turned hot and cold, and began talking of other women, and even told me he was considering marrying one of his female friends that’s struggling with a toxic relationship now, and when I asked him if he could really picture any other woman in my place for all the romantic things he did with em, he coolly said that he never intended it to be romantic (and only some ‘genuine connection that can’t be labelled with worldly names’) and he does that with a few other females (even married and committed ones, 2 or 3 others!), I was terribly disappointed!!! How could they be so heartless??? (But in their minds, to get rid of guilt, they’d probably consider themselves heroes because they were ‘honest’ with us!)

I can understand how you’d be feeling because I’m feeling really numb after I blocked him recently. Shucks! I hope that both of us overcome this pretty soon and either find happiness and satisfaction in being single or that we meet the right men soon, whichever is better for us, dear. Hugs! 🙂
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