Hi Anita,

I think actually this is a good idea. I feel like as soon as I see him (it’s been a month now) I will know 1) how I truly feel about him, and 2) I will be able to see how he feels about me.

He said he’s going to message me when this girl that is staying with him leaves on Monday. I’m wary of even entertaining getting back together with him, as he seems so fickle right now. I think really what keeps me thinking about the whole thing is I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I took things slower with him. If I had not got infatuated with this fantasy future, too. Part of me feels like we would still be dating, but at a regular, healthy pace.

On the other hand, he said something on the phone call Thursday that sort of confused me. At first he said he didn’t know why his feelings for me changed the last weekend we spent together, but that he just didn’t think I was “the one”. Then, later in the phone call, he said he realized “I like my type for a reason”, implying I wasn’t his type. When I asked what his type was, he said “I don’t know, blue eyes, Caucasian”. I’m mixed trace (Asian and European) and definitely don’t have blue eyes. He said there was that initial infatuation because he’s never dating someone like me before.

I don’t know if this is something I should just accept, or if he’s simply looking for something to say to get me to stop asking, or what that’s about. I don’t get how that somehow was an issue the last time we saw each other, when before that, he told me constantly how “gorgeous” and “beautiful” I was, and how adorable our future children would be.

I suppose I’ll wait to see if I do hear from him after that girl leaves. Perhaps all of this is irrelevant, perhaps she is “the one” for him. However, given his track record, I would be surprised that after staying with him for a week straight that he didn’t change his mind about her, too. Or maybe he will romance her for a little longer, like he did with me, who knows.

Either way, my gut instinct is telling me that seeing him in some sort of capacity, like for coffee, would provide me with these answers I’m looking for. The difficult part is that he lives 3 hours away, and I’m not sure if he would agree to meeting.

Hi Anita,

I think this makes a lot of sense. I am going to wait to see if I hear from him on Monday, and go from there.

You mentioned that in the context of our short relationship, you believed he was sincere in his feelings. In my heart of hearts, I believe that too. You also wrote that I didn’t know all that I knew then as I do now. This is also true. Of everything that I have told you about this situation, do you think there is any way that the outcome could have been different than what it is now?

Like I’ve said before, with everything I know, I’m not sure things could ever work between him and I. I’m not sure I could ever trust him. However, when we were together, I would have trusted him with my life. He didn’t even look at other women, let alone speak/flirt with them. I keep asking myself now, was there anything I could have done to keep him in that mindset? Did my behaviour last time I saw him impact his decision? It just still feels so painful how he went from being so loving, to seemingly indifferent to me. That he began dating/replacing me the day after I left.

I know he was fresh out of a relationship (although he initiated the break up), I wonder if he was “rebounding” with me and that I shouldn’t have gotten caught up in the fast forwarding. I don’t know really, but every morning I wake up, wondering how this all happened, and truly missing the man of my dreams, even if it was only for such a short time. I would have done anything for him, that past version of him, and I believe he would have done anything for me. I don’t understand where he went..

Hi Anita,

I’ve reread what you’ve written a few times today, I think it’s helped in me realizing the reality of the situation. I wanted so desperately for what he said and promised me to be true, that even now when confronted with evidence that he was never going to stay forever, it’s difficult to let go of that dream.

He told me was going to treat me better than any other man, so that we would always be together. But I can see now, with your analogy, he didn’t have the ability to care and nurture over time, just burn out and fade away.

I’m trying to remind myself that even if he had stayed a while longer, he doesn’t have the skills to be a good long term partner. I’m so envious whoever the current woman in his life is now, but as you say, it’s likely she won’t last, either.

Since this all has happened, I’ve been on dates with two other men. They both seem far more committed to being in a relationship, but I still find myself (as much as I wish I wouldn’t!) wishing it was him that I was sitting across, that none of this ever happened, that he had followed through with his promises. I see a picture of his face, and I’m transported back to all wonderful emotions I felt with him, then horribly sadness and pain that it is no longer. He was my ideal “type” and although he said last time I wasn’t his, unfortunately it didn’t change my preference for someone like him to be with me.

Do you think this will change within time? I’m worried that I will always feel the pain of him betraying, replacing, and rejecting me. And that I will always compare men to him, and they will never feel right. He was so beautiful, this perfect man of mine, I feel inconsolable that he’s now gone.

Hi Anita,

I’ve been giving it some thought, and it does seem somehow that I’ve told myself that I can’t be loved. I don’t know why or when this happened, but it’s felt true for a while. I think how I’m feeling now is the result of finally believing that it was possible for me to be loved, that someone I really wanted also wanted me too, and then just as quickly it was all gone.

I truly do want to move past this, to focus on reality rather than a fantasy. Is that why you suggested I meet with him in a different context, to see it things clearly as they are now?

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your continued support and advice on this. As I’ve reflected today, I still don’t feel like everything is adding up. I know the last time we spoke he said I wasn’t his “type”, but he had never brought this up before, and in fact, had always told me the exact opposite. He would compliment specific parts of me, and comment on how lucky he was to be with me. I understand that could have been during his infatuation stage, but does that really change so quickly?

I’m also confused by the ending of our relationship. I left his home on Tuesday morning, and by that evening, I had asked if everything was okay. He texted that it was but that he was concerned about making it to my city that weekend so soon, but I wasn’t satisfied and panicked and called him. He was aloof in that conversation, but I’m realizing now he would have felt bombarded (whether that’s appropriate or not). The next day he was quiet again, and this was the exchange we had:

Me: Were you trying to hint to me that you want to be single and I just missed it?

Him: I think so L. I’m just not sure I’m ready for this right now

Me: What happened or changed? I’m not upset with you, I’m just trying to understand.

Him: I think I just feel things moved too quickly… like I said last night. I need to put the brakes on, for the both of us. We’re alike in so many ways. We’re both rushing in.

Me: I get that for sure. I was hoping we could do that and take things slowly, I think what we have is special. But are you thinking you would rather end things altogether?

Him: Yeah… we do. I don’t know. Give me some time this morning please. I have a lot to do and to think about

Me: Of course. Hope you have a good morning.

We talked later that night, he still seemed distant, but he said he wanted to continue seeing me. When I asked if he wanted to date anyone else too, he said no. However, the next day is when I began to notice his snapchat score increasing quickly, which meant he was talking to someone other than me. On Thursday, after 2 days now of him being aloof but still warm (ex. Would still call me “baby”, ask how my day was, etc.) I couldn’t handle the suspicion anymore. I asked him if he could be honest with me, if was interested in someone else. He didn’t answer, and I panicked again and called him. He didn’t answer my call, but later when I said “please tell me the truth so I can move on” (hoping he would ask me not to) he said “I’m sorry L. I think that would be best”.

I’ve read a lot of literature on the initial stages of dating and how men tend to pull away, and how it’s beneficial if you give them space rather than panicky and try to “fix” it or chase them. I’m debating with myself if that happened here, or if my gut instinct led me to confront him on the issue that would have happened eventually or not.

I know a month isn’t very long, but I can’t help feeling like given his current pattern, it seems to be much longer than usual. To me, it feels like (at least at one point), I was his type, his “dream woman” as he put it, and wanted to be with me long term (with all the promises he was making me, such as saying our “monthiversary” was going to be one of many. This was just 4 days before we broke up). I wonder now, did I have a role in things ending this way, and could things have been different if I had been more calm and aloof myself? I worry that I presented myself as needy and desperate at the end, when throughout the relationship, I had not.

More almost as though he completely lost value in me overnight, and I have never experienced that drastic of a change before. I feel very stuck to understanding that part of things. I think that you are right that I miss the love, care, and attention he provided for me. I’m worried now, more than ever and with my relationship experience, if I sustain any relationship with a man to do that and not abandon me.

Hi Anita,

I understand your car analogy, and how he said himself he needed to “put the brakes on”, but what I don’t understand is why the relationship when from 0 to 10 (him racing through) and then back to 0 just as fast, when we had agreed to take things slower. A few days afterwards, I was still hurt and confused by what had happened so I asked him again, and if he missed my company at all after over a month of being in constant contact with me, and he said “I don’t think I miss it. I liked it while we were together. But I think I was infatuated w your looks. That seems to have disappeared for me now