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Getting over infatuation with someone who wasn't real

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  • #149541
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are so, so right! I think I have a penchant for doing that quite frequently, going back and trying to edit the past, remembering only what I want to. Do you have any suggestions for me, to keep myself grounded in reality and focused on the truth? With this particular person, I seem to be stuck reliving the good and minimizing the bad, and I do not want to do that any longer.

     

    Thank uou again so much for your help, I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me!

    #149549
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, laelithia,

    I was in a very similar situation: a man completely wooed me over only to fall for another woman after six years and to marry her. I could write and write about presents, promises, the list goes on and on. And it did seem like he stopped loving me almost instantly (or, rather, the process had been going on for some time, only he didn’t have enough introspection to acknowledge it to himself and do something in time (which maybe would have helped, maybe not, but this is the only thing now that I sort of still reproach him for)).

    It has been two years now, and I did lots of reading on psychology, happiness, life and whatnot. This site helped me a lot (have been a regular guest for over a year now) and special thanks go to anita and Inky. I think I can safely say that only now, after two years, I feel fully content and happy on my own. Besides, I even managed to fit in two about-to-be-but-never-really-took-off romances – so don’t worry about physical attraction. I remember clearly how I had felt after my very first breakup and this one (I left #2 for this guy) – that I would never feel that strong an attraction to anybody else. Turned out to be wrong. My advice is just give it time. Give it as much time you need; you will understand when you are done and ready. (You may think that you are ready long before you really are – so please be careful there so as not to get burnt yourself and/or confuse and lead on other people.)

    Now I cautiously believe that my Prince Charming is a covert narcissist. Do check out Natalie Lue’s Baggage Reclaim website. You might find it helpful.

    And I do recommend not to doubt your self-worth. Just as Anita says, it is his behaviour, his character, his psychological problems, and it has nothing to do with you. I don’t agree with Susannah, or, rather, I don’t fully agree. He could very well have been smitten with you, only he might not have been capable of lasting feelings. However, for that short period of time, it was all very real for him, too. Why it changed? – who knows, it just did, because of his deeply rooted psychological problems. A good therapist might help him unearth them and help him to do something about them, but people who are incapable of looking deeply into themselves and (in my case! – that’s what I think now even though he projected so much introspection, but it turns out I saw my own reflection there) who don’t even think there is a problem, will never even think of turning to therapy. Nothing is ever wrong with them.

    Do you know the difference between Don Juan and Casanova? Both charmed women, but the former was a cold-hearted player, while the latter fully gave himself to a woman, albeit for a limited time. In my case, that man had never had a relationship that lasted for more than six years give or take. Our love story was two months short. So I do believe that it was indeed real for him at the time, so no way I could not have believed him or felt that he was not being sincere. He WAS being sincere, but it didn’t last. Time passed, and now I look at those six years as a closed book, a read novel or a story that happened to somebody I know and trust as if it were I myself. Hope you will feel like that with time – no emotions, just black-and-white pictures.

    Finally, I came to the realisation that it doesn’t matter how good, beautiful, intelligent, successful, etc. etc. etc. a woman is. One falls in love simply because one falls in love (psychologists can dig into why that particular individual triggered such strong emotions and what to do about it, etc.). They say there are men who love only one woman for the duration of their entire lives; as for those who move so quickly (and sincerely! – if you want to think otherwise, you are welcome to) from one woman to another, as they say, they fall in love simply because the new woman is different from their current one. NO MATTER HOW different, just different. Besides, would you really want him to be with you because of your success, your career, your looks, your money, etc.? I hope not. If he were somebody who lives off women, he wouldn’t leave unless it was for a wealthier, more promising woman.

    Ultimately, I now believe that if one falls in love, it is primarily because that other person holds the key to the insecurities, problems, weaknesses, complexes that the one who falls in love has for the moment. Mirrors them in some way. It sounds like to get around this, one needs to work on being whole and complete oneself. I hope I am getting there, I only wonder if there do exist men who are whole and complete on their own with whom I could be compatible. AND one can be compatible on the emotional and intellectual level, but not on the physical. For me, the spark needs to be there. You know like they say in the East, the attraction of the minds leads to respect, the attraction of the hearts leads to friendship, the attraction of the lower region leads to sex; the attraction of all the three leads to love. Now I come to think about it, one could really enjoy the other’s company, but unless one has all the three check marks in place, it is not romantic love.

    Hope this helps.

    Take care,

    X

     

     

    #149551
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Forgot to add that now that I look back, I realise that throughout the time we were together, I had that kind of feeling that all those gifts, flowers, telephone calls, texts, etc. was more like the external side of the affair, as if he was (and I was somewhat like that, too! – remember the mirroring thing? – I wanted this to be the perfect, fairy-tale-like romance) trying to sort of show off or prove to himself that he was so hopelessly, forever in love with me. Similar to some people posting fantastic pictures on Facebook only to prove to themselves that nothing is missing in their lives.

    He needs to be pitied, and you will grow spiritually so much that you would look back and become awed at the immense progress that you have made. I thank mine, I truly do, for those six years, because now I feel like in that one romance I got as much experience as I would have otherwise got in several romances totalling up to at least fifteen or twenty years of my life. As they say, never revenge the other by putting the other down; grow yourself, and you will kill two birds with one stone – the other will seem really small and you will have a wealth of knowledge and experience.

    X

    #149575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words of appreciation.

    To keep yourself grounded in reality and focus on the truth regarding this short-and-fast relationship, I suggest you type a page with The Truth (much of it is articulated right here, on your thread).

    Type/ copy it and print it, then carry that paper with you wherever you go. When you notice that you are “reliving the good and minimizing the bad”, take the paper out and read The Truth.

    When you are able to get into the website you can re-read your thread and if you need to, you can post a note for me anytime, and I will reply.

    Being grounded in reality in other topics or area in your life, you can start a new thread, if you’d like.

    anita

    #149657
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi X,
    Thank you so much for your detailed reply. It really helped me realize that I’m not the only one out there feeling this way! Your relationship was much longer than mine, but I can definitely identify the feeling of shock when it seems to be such a drastic change so quickly. I’m glad to hear that you did feel attraction from someone else. I think what I am struggling with now is that I’ve tied so much of my contentedness with his physical being. I felt so good and safe when he wrapped his arms around me. He’s tall, in very good shape, and he felt so good just to cuddle with. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so safe with someone, which is ironic based on what has now happened. I’m angry with myself that I constantly compare other men to him and his appearance, and I still seem to find him more attractive, and unique looking. I really hope this fades, as it’s the only positive connection I have left towards him. Everything else is gone, he is not kind and sweet and nurturing to me any longer. So much so that the last conversation we had he even disclosed to being with other women after me. It was such a painful shock, this just 2 weeks after him reassuring me that he was 100% mine, that he didn’t even care about other women anymore. I recognize this now as lies, as painful as it is, but I can’t get over how convincing he was, how he was able to truly get me to believe and fall for him. I long to ask him, if he knew all that he was about to do to me, or if he really felt at the time that I could be “the one” to “fix him”, to make him want to change for the better.
    I have been reading Baggage Reclaim for a while now, it’s been very helpful. I just started reading her new book, it’s called The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship, and I definitely identify with being a “dreamer”. I’m only now feeling like I’m accepting even a little of the reality of the situation, it feels like a fog is slowly clearing, but it is very difficult.
    Thank you for pointing that out about it being his behaviour and not about my self worth. I still long to know what happened for him that changed his mind, but you’re right, it doesn’t matter. Whatever could have happened between us wouldn’t have lasted a lifetime, as much as he promised me otherwise. He would say things about us growing old together, and how he was so happy to have finally met his soulmate. I’m still struggling with understanding how someone could say those things and not truly mean them, but I think if I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t think even then I really thought we would make it throught the test of time. I just really, really wanted us too. I truly believed he had learned from his past relationships and the mistakes he had made, but it seems like I was just one more notch on his belt, one more woman he had hurt and forgotten about. I don’t think he thinks of me at all anymore, I don’t think it would bother him if I lived or died. That is the most heartbreaking thought.
    Another layer that really hurts, is that I feel I should have known better. I myself am a young psychologist, and I should have spotted this sooner. However, I’m a romantic at heart, and I turly believed at the time that the pace of our relationship was moving so quickly because we were truly right for each other. I have never felt so intimately connected to someone before, and that truly scares me now, as I was totally wrong. He didn’t feel the same about me at all, but he totally convinced me otherwise. It hurts to admit that, but I gave my heart, body, and soul to someone that is not real…
    He told me that he loved every part of me, that he felt that we were always meant to be, that he had never felt this way about anyone before. I just can’t shake how sincere he seemed then, all the time he spent making sure I was feeling good and positive and checking in on me throughout the day. He remembered little details about my life, he seemed genuinely interested. I’ve never had someone pay that close attention to me and my needs before, but I guess that is how he plays his game and why he is so good at it. I sincerely hate that none of what I experienced from him was “real”.
    I wonder the same questions as you, X. I feel I am doing all this work to discover myself and to uncover negative patters, and I worry now that I will almost become TOO insightful for my own good, or at least to find a partner that is a match to me. I hope I can find that spark again one day, but I almost wish I never met this person whom I did feel such a spark with, as now I feel it’s been replaced with a very heavy heart.

    #149659
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I’m trying to do just that. I have started a list of reasons why he wouldn’t have made a good long term partner, but I can’t help but feel like I want to add to every one “but he could change if he wanted to”. I think I feel personal failure that I wasn’t fully able to motivate him to change. I think he was at the beginning, for a month or so, but I didn’t even realize that was a “better” version of himself. I just thought that was who he was. I wish I had known better, that I didn’t give him such a hard time for things that worried me, rather just sat back and observed more. I wish I didn’t get so upset the last time I saw him and I wish I hadn’t have had too much to drink and cried about our argument. I don’t think any of that would have happened though if I had maintained better boundaries, if I had not had too much to drink and took care of myself better. I suppose this is a difficult lesson to learn, and even more difficult not to take responsibility for the whole relationship failing.

    I’m really struggling being confident in my ability to point out what part of this was his doing, and what part of it was my insecurities, projections, and fantasies. It’s very, very difficult and I feel like I’m learning a new skill and not very good at it! If it were you, what would you add at the top of “The Truth” list?

    Thank you again so much for your help. It’s so appreciated, as always.

    #149677
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear laelithia,

    You are far from being the only one – I had the same feeling (even though my logical mind refused to believe that – there was no way I could be the only one – just how many people break up or divorce on any given day?…), but I started to browse the web, read different relationship forums, etc., and eventually I started to be thankful that I hadn’t been treated as terribly as other women had. Maybe the fact that it was the second time I was dumped somewhat helped – the very first time, it was really a cold encounter with the reality, a real break of all my convictions and romantic self-assurances bordering on pride and false modesty that I, oh I, I am going to be so much different because I had waited for so long, and he will be my only one and we will love each other forever and will die on the same day – all that fairy-tale rubbish.

    But yes, even though we had literally had nothing to talk about during the five or six months before the breakup, I (having read all that be-a-good-understanding-woman stuff) thought that this was because he was so much engrossed in his work, was under stress, retreating into his man cave, etc. (lesson here – trust your gut feelings) – despite that, it did came sort of like a shock. My logical mind refused to believe that especially given that he, of his own accord, two months before ghosting on me, had wished me a happy birthday with literally the following words, “
 to my dear girl, whom I love very, very much”, and just one month later he met that other lady and fell over head and heels in love with her.

    I could vent more about HOW he ghosted on me and took his new love to the seaside for a holiday all the while I was wondering why he hadn’t called or texts even though he would check up on me at least three times a day, what was going on with his job project after the end of which we were supposed to get married, and whether he was in a coma, or something like that. I didn’t call him or bother him much because of that “man cave” thing, giving him time. He finally had the guts to tell me that he had met somebody else nearly two months (!!!) after he had ghosted on me. And that after we particularly mentioned to each other that both of us would like to know at once if the other party met somebody new. Talk about respect here. Zero. He only cared about himself and his feeling of enjoyment, the high of the drug of being in a new relationship, the drug of being infatuated.

    Also, I clearly remembered how one day he had said in that calm and convincing tone of his, “I have never lied to you,” so my rational mind held on to that (that is, that his drop-out of our interaction had been caused by anything but a new flame) despite my intuition.

    Maybe our relationship lasted for about six years (I say “lasted” because of that “I love you” thing that he said himself, not realising that his love had faded by then) because it was also long-distance into the bargain.

    In fact, what proved my theory (at least regarding him, the fact that his love has a shelf life so to speak) was the fact that he behaved towards her was EXACTLY like he had behaved towards me, he even called her the same affectionate names as he had called me! As I say, only the object of his adoration-adulation changed, he remains the same and that woman is just like I used to be or my predecessor still is (the one he had been with for six years before me still has their pictures on her webpage – and that eight (!!!) years after he left her for me). This charming quality is one of the many characteristics of a narcissist that fit him.

    Anita would say in this (yours/mine/ours) case that that relationship only FELT safe, but in fact it was not. Let me reiterate that idea, “He only cared about himself and his feeling of enjoyment, the high of the drug of being in a new relationship, the drug of being infatuated.” BUT, he only projected the image of a highly-conscious man; in fact, it turns out that he is very shallow, unable to look deep into himself, analyse his behaviour. I overestimated him and thought that he was just as caring, loving, devoted and thoughtful man as I am myself (mirroring in my mind).

    Again, I tend to think that he (and probably your guy, too) DID mean all those things when he said them. I don’t know much about yours, but mine had ALWAYS been looking for that ideal love-to-eternity (something to do with the mother figure in his life – if I had a psychological background, I would probably even venture into saying that he was (and is! – I look up his wife’s FB page now and then (once a month or so) out of sheer curiosity to know how long this one will last and whether my observations and findings are true) looking for some replacement of his mother, looking, thinking that he has found it only to move on after boredom settles in and he wants a “new relationship high”). Something akin to people promising or saying that they will do something just because it feels good at the moment (I read a few posts made by guys on Tiny Buddha who had done that, but – the difference! – were trying to understand why they had that pattern – at least, one small step forward). Only in my case, the “moment” lasted several years, that’s it.

    Also, now that I look back, I think I knew all the way that he wasn’t the one who would sit by my bedside all day long or visit me at the hospital (say, I cannot doubt that my father would, but about him, I would just say, “I don’t know”) – and yes, just like you I don’t think he thinks about me any more at all.

    However, I really, truly don’t care now. Hopefully, you will reach this stage, too.

    And yes, mine was a whirlwind romance, too. Six weeks after we met, we considered ourselves an item. Only I do need to tell you that this may or may not be an indicator. For instance, my parents met in February at a ski resort, tied the knot in July, and I was born in March. Both had had a divorce under their belt by then (talk about second marriages not lasting!) and are still together after 33 years (I am 32). So please, please, no generalising or stereotyping. There is no telling really.

    By the way, he repeated his pattern with that new lady. They met in April and married in October. I am really curious how long it is going to last, because, as I mentioned above, he is still the same and she is so infatuated by him, posting about their happy life together and omitting things when he could have done something, but didn’t (just like with me – for instance, no birthday presents, but gifts “just because”).

    And just like in the characteristics on the Baggage Reclaim website, I noticed that this was missing and that, but found excuses (such an important job, so much stress, etc., etc.) and my logical mind subserviently reminded me of the other small things that he did do, such as – yes! – remembering details that even I had forgotten, buying me flowers out of the blue (and guess what? Those flowers were my zodiac’s flowers even though I had always told him that I loved roses) or suddenly making a rush to a row of blouses in a store, searching for something on the rack (first time ever!) and producing a blouse that I had seen myself a day before, but decided that I needed something more modest to wear at home. Talk about “signs” that we were meant to be together. No such thing exists. Or – well, who knows – one can safely talk about “the love of one’s life” only on the death bed, but I am not holding my breath. I don’t give much thought to him now, the traces of his presence in my life are mostly gone, the emotions have all evaporated. New impressions, travelling, hobbies slowly but surely delete those memories. It is now really like a closed book, a read novel. Done, processed, put on the shelf.

    And again, I don’t think it was a conscious game of his. Subconscious – maybe, but definitely not conscious.

    Now, about recovery. At some point, I realised that I could only enjoy life THROUGH him. That is, when we were together, I would constantly look at him – does he like it? does he approve of it? If he did – great, if he didn’t – well, I would still go my way (I am very stubborn and like to think that I have a high opinion of myself), BUT I would do it half-heartedly almost feeling GUILTY. Guilty not because he is not enjoying it (he said he wouldn’t – all right), but because he didn’t have just as much enjoyment as I had at that time. Now, that is a diagnosis of being in a love dependency.

    So what I did is I went meticulously through the Tiny Buddha blog pages and read all the blogs about being whole and complete on one’s own. I believe that my problem started when I a) started thinking that I was still single, so something must be wrong with me; b) started fearing the future (alone, in a foreign country, studying, so much at stake, etc.) and c) started desperately believing in the two-halves-make-one concept. And since I am stubborn by nature, that only exacerbated things because I tend to hold on to things much longer than needed.

    I have always tried not to project too much into the future, but I did think about us doing this or that or travelling there or there. It feels somewhat natural to me to do it after our split – after all, I always do only what I really want to do – so as that rather short list was being accomplished, it sort of helped to stop being reminded of him. I remember anxiously searching his FB page two years ago, looking for his news, that somehow, very, very naturally – hard to explain why or how – went away. I guess just like Anita says that all that one resists, persists.

    What also helped, was an excellent book written by a psychologist on how to deal with breakups. It is not in English, but most of its ideas are contained in the list made by Brav3, a Tiny Buddha user. You can find it, too.

    As for the spark, the way it happened again was (just as they say!) quite unexpected. I was travelling and found myself realising one day that I was being very, very comfortable on my own, not lacking anybody or anything, just like it had been before #1 and before I developed all those a), b) and c). I guess quantity (of reading and musing) finally had transformed into quantity. Just two days later, I met a guy. We had a very nice evening, but that was it. It turned out that he hadn’t still gotten over his girlfriend who had left him three (!!!) years ago. Again, see that “mirroring” of my situation? That guy’s case, along with Brav3’s posts, made me realise how similar men and women can be. There is really no telling.

    Now, two days ago, I met another man. He seems to be Mr Perfect, but no spark. And I doubt that I will feel it – I don’t have much experience really, but if I don’t feel it on Day 1, it is hopeless. He is somewhat similar in his “perfection” to another man who wanted to court me early last year. Same thing, perfect at first glance, but no spark, so no wish even to get to know him. Remember about the three levels? The upper two are present (attraction of the mind and the heart), but the “lowest chakra” is not active at all.

    Maybe I was still getting over that three-year guy then, as I tend to hold on to romantic notions for a long, long time.

    And maybe now I secretly hope that one more man, a former colleague, who had also contacted me out of nowhere last year, almost made me fall in love with him (I would have never told that – just three or four months into my breakup!) only to tell me that he couldn’t have a relationship (he was married, but his marriage had been almost non-existant for five years by then, and him still not being able to fully forget his “other woman” – again, that mirroring), will eventually come back to start something seriously. However, since nothing has happened after a year in his life, why would something happen any time soon?… I am fully aware of that, too. Again, similar posts from other women on TinyBuddha help a great deal.

    But again, I don’t know. I may need to start my own thread about why I keep thinking about him, even though he is just as unavailable as all the others (and has LOTS OF ISSUES that he himself must resolve for himself), but I stopped thinking about the others after three or four months of virtually no contact, and with this one, it has been 15 months now, and the connection to him feels just as fresh even though there is no communication. Weird, how hearts and minds work, huh? Funny, too, that after three guys on my radar last year (two ones with a spark and one with zero; the colleague “vanishing” in February), there was nobody (besides my really supercautious thinking about that colleague) until May this year. No telling. And no spark here, so I probably shouldn’t count it.

    I know that it sounds clichĂ©, but my ultimate advice would be to give it time and to go with the flow. I intend to do just that. Might be easier for me because the passions have long since subsided, I do notice men’s attention, so nothing is lost. And I do have lots of hobbies, have regained interest in life and can afford to travel, that is to change scenery. It really helps.

    Hopefully, eventually, my quirks will strike a chord with someone whom I will be compatible with on all the three levels. After all, as Inky said, I need only one. 🙂

    Do take care and sorry for the superlong post. I had had it formed in my mind for quite some time now, but it feels good to be able to put it all in writing.

    X

    #149679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    The truth as I see it at this point: you communicated with him for two weeks before you met him. You met him in person three times for a total of less than seven days. That was the extent of the relationship, time wise.

    During less than seven days spent together, in person he told you that you are the one, his soulmate, that he is 100% yours, that you will grow old together, and you talked about getting married and having children.

    The very short relationship is over and you wonder what you did wrong to make him figure, after all, that you are not the one; you wonder what you did wrong to cause him to go from 100% yours to 0%, (“I can’t help but feel like it was something (or a few things) that I did that made him change his mind about me being ‘the one'” and “I’m really struggling.. what part of this was his doing, and what part was my insecurities..”)

    * Notice: it is more believable to you that you caused a loving man to withdraw his plans to spend the rest of his life with you in one week, than it is for you to believe that his statements were lies, based on the seven days context.

    (Maybe he didn’t lie; maybe during the short time he was with you, he was on the manic phase of a bipolar disorder. Maybe he believed the things he said because he was on drugs, extremely immature, unwell. I don’t know.. but you don’t know either, you didn’t have the time needed to get to know him).

    So those feelings of inadequacy, those may be needed to be attended to?

    anita

     

    #149877
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Those are very valid and I think important points. I was counting up the days, and it was actually 13 rather than 7 over the span of a month, but still, not very long at all. I think because we talked so frequently (the only time we weren’t in contact was when we were sleeping or when I was with clients at work), it felt like so much longer. I think also that we were constantly sending pictures back and forth (on Snapchat), that it created a sense of closeness and intimacy, like I knew him more than I really did.

    I spoke with him on the phone today. I simply could not resist myself, and since it has now been 1 month after this all ended, I figured I might as well get some closure. I’m not sure really what I got from it. He was at the gym, with the newest girl. I asked him if it was the same one as last time we spoke, but no, she was new. That means this is his fourth girl since me. He told me he matched with her on a dating app while he was up north for work, and now that he has time off, she is staying with him for the week. I laughed at this point, not maliciously, just more at the absurdity of his pattern of behaviour. I stayed with him for 5 days the last time we met, too. He told me she lives up north (4 hours away), but that he really likes her, that they have so much in common, that it’s possible she’s “the one”.

    The more I think about, the more ridiculous I see his behaviours. Yet I still seem to be at best interested in what he’s up to, and at worst, obsessed with it. The strangest part of the phone call was how I felt about it. I was a bit jealous I suppose in that he was spending time with a new person and that he seems to be so into her and has now rejected me, but I don’t think I felt sad/devastated/depressed about it. I’m starting to feel like this really has nothing to do with him at all, but something to do with myself and my patterns of behaviour. That somehow focusing on him and how I can’t be with him, my “dream guy”, is some sort of distraction from myself, and deeper issues I have.

    Specifically, I’m starting to worry that I actually like these doomed relationships, that a healthy, committed relationship seems “boring” to me. I’m not sure when this started to happen, but I think it’s been a long time. I was in a healthy relationship between the ages of 18-25, we had a house together and 2 dogs, yet I didn’t seem happy. At the end of our relationship, I began pursuing an online/LDR with an older man whom I had known since I was 17. Somehow that seemed more attractive/exciting that my current “boring” life, even though it was also doomed to fail. I wonder how I can go about changing this internal dialogue, that I can start to see healthy relationships with healthy boundaries and true love and respect as wonderful and exciting in themselves, rather than these toxic, hot/cold relationships I’m accustomed to.

     

    #149889
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    How very extraordinary and similar to my situation! I know that this is laelithia’s thread, so I shall refrain from describing my love life and thoughts, but I would like anita to know that she will be helping at least two people with their problems, not just laelithia. I am truly amazed at anita’s patience and willingness to untangle other people’s mess. Thank you so very much for it and looking forward to your dialogue!

    #150005
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear X: thank you and you are welcome to start your own thread.

    Dear laelithia:

    Will be re-reading your posts on the thread to see if I get any more possible insight, be back shortly.

    anita

    #150015
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    I read all your post thoroughly.

    On may 11 he told you that he was “taking it slow with this new woman, and not rushing into things like he did with (you)”- seven days later he is already with a new woman. Nonetheless, I changed my mind about him: I think he truly loved you, in the context of  those 13 days spent together and a month or so total. I don’t think he tried to fool you or lied to you and therefore, what you perceived was truly happening. Thing is, he is truly loving to a series of “the one”(s) and you are no longer “the one”, and most likely, neither is the current “one”.

    Now to the more important part of my understanding, I will be quoting you, not necessarily in order, and commenting.

    What happened is that “he was able to truly get (you) to believe” that you are loved (and you were).

    “He was looking me in the eyes lovingly saying he would never want another woman other than me…how excited he was to be with me…I was special…one of a kind… the one for him…that he was 100% mine, that he didn’t even care about other women anymore… that he loved every part of me, that he felt we were always meant to be, that he had never felt this way about anyone before”

    He said those things with emotion and so, he was convincing. You believed him (“convincing me I was special…I can’t get over how convincing he was…he was able to truly get me to believe…I just can’t shake how sincere he seemed then”).

    Again: he didn’t only say things to you, he said them with emotion, and therefore, with conviction. But he didn’t only say those things to you convincingly, he also behaved in ways that gave his words power (“all the time he spent making sure I was feeling good and positive and checking in on me throughout the day. He remembered little details about my life, he seemed genuinely interested”)

    The key sentences in your posts are: “I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so safe with someone… I’ve never had someone pay that close attention to me and my needs before” and “I have never felt so intimately connected to someone before”-

    And that includes in your relationship with your parents, as a child. You didn’t get the attention you needed and you craved it. You weren’t made to feel special and you craved it. You finally got it, in these 13 days, in person, and total one month or so. It was intoxicating: the craving satiated.

    I am thinking that the reason that seven years relationship you had before was boring to you is because the craving was not satiated.

    Of course you wanted more of it, but there is none, not from him. You wrote: “I just don’t want to believe the awful truth”- I think that the awful truth is not about the guy lying and pretending (I believe he was sincere, in the context I mentioned above). I think that the awful truth is how unattended to you were as a child, how not-special you felt. The intensity of your craving to feel special and attended to is proportional to how un-special and unattended to you were as a child.

    You wrote of late: “I’m starting to feel like this really has nothing to do with him at all, but something to do with myself”- I agree.

    anita

     

    #150019
    laelithia
    Participant

    Oh Anita, thank you so much for your patience and diligence in rereading my posts. I had tears in my eyes as I read your most recent post. I think you are 100% right, and I think the reason I was not feeling like other advice I had gotten was getting it right was that it was so focused on him being a player, deceiving purposefully, and outright narcissistic. I believe you have it correct, in that he did believe in that time, that I was “the one”, that he believes it’s possible every time he gets involved with a woman.

    I did not have a difficult or traumatic childhood, my parents provided the best care that they could and I had many opportunities (private school, extracurricular activities, clothes/toys, etc.), however I longed so deeply to be seen by them, to be heard, to hear loving words of affirmation. However neither parent was given that by their own parents growing up, I don’t think they had the ability to do so for me. I’m the second born of four children, all within five years. I think my parents were incredibly stressed between providing for us financially and trying to care for each of us, but my younger sister was born just 18 months after me and has always had a much better relationship with my mother than I ever did. I tried so hard to get her attention, I would clean the house as a child during the nights to surprise her, I would work so hard at school, I would try to engage with her. But she was emotionally aloof, and often deferred to spending time with my sister. Over the years I began to resent my sister, I did not treat her well, and this proved to worsen my relationship with my mother, and further my inner dialogue of feeling unworthy of her attention, and ultimately unlovable.

    Now that I have recognized this fully, I would hope that my feelings regarding this situation would change. However, I still long for that person to come back, the man that “loved” me so much, that treated me so well. But I can tell his feelings have changed, he said it happens often, and that he never goes back to an ex. The truth is at this point, I don’t think I would believe him if he came back claiming to love me, to want to be with me, which is irrelevant anyway, since I don’t think he ever would. I don’t know how to move forward now, because I think what I long for is impossible. I want HIM, this perfect version of this man, that 1) doesn’t want me anymore, and 2) is fundamentally different now that what I wanted. I don’t find any other men attractive anymore, I don’t want to try again, I just feel so stuck…

    Do you have any ideas of where I should go from here? I’m so saddened by all of this, and I truly do want to heal.

    Again, I cannot thank you enough for the help you have already given me. You have helped me more than the therapist I am seeing! I’m eternally grateful.

    #150023
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    You are welcome.

    Regarding ideas of where you should go from here:

    I would suggest giving more importance to your childhood experience as something that requires further processing and healing. (I understand you are a psychologist- I hope that quality psychotherapy is available to you so to do such processing and healing).

    You wrote that as a child you “longed so deeply to be seen by them, to be heard, to hear loving words of affirmation”- and you continued to explain that your parents didn’t get that attention from their parents, that they were stressed, and so forth.  The child that you were didn’t think those thoughts (these came later on, looking back and analyzing). All you experienced as a child was the lack of attention, and that hurt you a lot. For a child, not to be seen or heard or loved is devastating. To reach out and be rejected, as you were, is crushing.  It does not result in actual bleeding or broken bones, but it creates such an emotional wound, a trauma that needs to be attended to and healed as best possible, sot hat it will no longer interfere with your relationship functioning in life.

    Will be back to the computer in seven hours or so. Take good care of yourself, laelithia, and post anytime.

    anita

     

     

    #150029
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your additional ideas, they are very helpful and I plan to move forward with them. I’m not sure now how to stop focusing on the last man, my desire to feel heard, loved, and accepted seems still to be tied to him. I feel embarrassed to admit it, but I still long for that person to come back, for him to continue to see me in that light, to be there for me. He told me that I’m the only woman he’s told these dark things about himself (I don’t know if it’s true, but he does seem genuine when he said so), and in some ways, I feel a sort of kinship with him because of it. I truly don’t think he’s an evil person, as you’ve mentioned, but definitely not very self aware and a dreamer also, like me.

    Right now, I can’t seem to feel like the connection I felt with him is possible with anyone else. It’s like he holds the key to that part of me, and it feels “wrong” that things are no longer that way. However, then I question myself, do I really want to be with this person, now that I know everything that I do? And I can’t say for sure that I know the answer to the question. I feel everything began and ended too quickly for me to process “what could have been”. Part of me feels like there’s a possibility in time we could find a way, and part of me feels like not only is it unlikely, but that I shouldn’t want that. What are your thoughts on the matter, and about him and the possibility of us ever being together in the future?

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