Dear Ben:

These are two separate things: who to BE and what to DO.

Who to be? You already are you. Who is the you that you are? Young children don’t wonder about who they are: we, when we were young children, young enough, did not wonder who we were, we just were. Then came the adults in our lives and let us know overtly or covertly that who we were was just.. not quite right. This is where trouble started.

Going back to an understanding of who we are, after we lost ourselves is a process I think of as a healing process or the healing path. A highly individual path that cannot be copied from one individual to another. You carve your own path like the artist that you are.

Not the artist that has to accommodate a rigid, impersonal industry, like the gaming industry, but an artist free to do your own art as you are inspired, according to your motivation alone, your standards alone.

Going back to what you were in the beginning is a path few take.

What do you think about what I wrote so far?

anita

Hi Ben

I’m glad that your lists are churning out a lot of ideas, but I understand how easy it is to become overwhelmed. I have the same issue myself – so many business ideas that it becomes incredibly difficult to focus on one without part of me thinking “But what about the others?”. I’m at the stage where I have more than enough ideas to keep me busy for the rest of my life, and beyond! But that is much better than the alternative – imagine how it would feel if there was nothing you could think of.

Once you’ve got as much as you can onto your list, the issue will be to narrow it down to target the relevant things. Now, I can completely identify with the red tape and qualifications issue – it often feels as if every possible obstacle is put in the way of anyone achieving anything. But what I would say from experience is, don’t worry about that at too early a stage. In other words, don’t let the qualifications and red tape issue dictate your decision – make your decision and then deal with it. To use an extreme example, if you decided you wanted to become a heart surgeon, there would be a lot of red tape and qualifications involved. But if it’s what you really want to do, you’ll see it through as it will simply be part of the education process that you have decided you enjoy, and you will have the necessary motivation.

As an example of red tape and qualifications in action, I am now having to take a qualification in my profession. I hadn’t taken it before, for the simple reason that I devised and wrote it in the first place, more than 15 years ago, so I couldn’t – I would have been examining myself. But now, the regulator says everyone must have the qualification to do the job, so I have to take it. So I get what you are saying exactly! But if you treat it less as a qualification, and more an issue of learning about something that you are really interested in, it will be less daunting.

Also, never forget that every job has its boring aspects. Many, many years ago I played in a rock band at University. I spent half my time setting up and taking down my drum kit, had hours of practice on my own, and even had difficulty getting the free drinks (which is all we were paid) from the bar because the barman couldn’t see me at the back of the stage. So when I left University and our guitarist asked me if I wanted to go touring with him, it didn’t really appeal. I also did a bit of motorcycle racing, which sounds exciting, but in reality was an hour or so of excitement surrounded by 47 hours of utter, mind-numbing boredom and red tape. So the boring stuff will always be there – it’s just a matter of whether you are prepared to go through it to get the rewards of the good bits.

But as I said before, don’t rush, take your time and consider your options carefully. Keep looking at your list, and there will be certain ones that you keep being drawn back to again and again, and others that you decide are never going to make it to the top of the pile. The answer will come.

Dear Ben:

You mentioned a few times how scared you are and your fiance thinks you are panicking. Fear does not allow good thinking. Try to relax. Actually you have to find a way to relax. A whole day, a few days… you need to relax. Fear creates brain fog that does not allow you to see clearly, and the more you think the more the fog stirs and stays. Relaxing will clear the air in your brain, allowing you to think clearly.

Simply, relax then think. Let your fiance comfort you, help you relax. Tell her (she knows) how much you need to relax and let her help you!

anita

Dear Ben:

i wonder if the roller coaster of your recent life is the reason for the rushing sound in your left ear?
anita

Dear Ben:

Having just replied to your other thread I wonder if indeed postponing the wedding is a good idea, for the purpose of lowering your stress level…May be way too much: the work situation and getting married!

anita

Hi Ben,

I have just read the entire thread here, and your post really resonated with my for a number of reasons. I went through the process of completely reinventing myself a few years ago, so I understand the fear, confusion, and challenges that can come with it. In my case, I left my teaching job of 10 years, signed my house over to the bank, and moved 1300 miles away to live on a sailboat!

A couple thoughts on your situation:

1. It’s okay to just work a job that pays the bills, while you take some time to recover and find your passion. Be patient, and even have fun with this process!

2. Don’t think of your next job as being “forever.” You don’t need to have one passion or one dream, and it can actually be more fun and rewarding to change, as your interests change. I thought I would love teaching forever, but it’s been exciting and rewarding to work on my coaching business, focus on sailing, and just go where the (metaphorical) wind takes me.

3. Focus on basic needs and stress management. You will weather this storm, and there really is no such thing as “failure.” Just choices, results, and learning by trial and error. Trust me, it is always possible to stand back up after falling down!

I’ve had so many readers and clients ask me about reinventing themselves, that I actually wrote a 6-part series about it on my blog, if you are interested. The posts are in order, so if you click on the link to the left at the bottom of the post (for this one, it will be “5 Thoughts that Stand Between You and Your Dreams” you will get to the next one. Here is the first in the series: http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info/blog/2015/10/11/re-inventing-yourself-101