As I’ve been meditating and spending time to myself for reflection, I’ve come to a rather interesting discovery. Often we see in others that which we see in ourselves. This man once told me that I didn’t have enough sense of myself, that I was not being myself. Yet here I am being open and honest, establishing clear boundaries and expressing the things that I want quite effectively. Perhaps not always as timely as I should. But I am being myself. I am doing these things. He is not. Is it possible that he found this to be an issue in the past because he is finding that he is unable to be himself, at the very least, around me? Is it that he has seen in me the things that he may not like in himself, and that perhaps he has not found a “safe place” in our relationship in which to communicate? I have changed greatly in 1.5 years. He really has not. The cycle waxes and wanes from him being warm and open at times and progressing our relationship forward… to completely shutting down and withdrawing. It’s a difficult cycle to keep watching. I don’t know what I could possibly do to make him feel more emotionally safe with me. I improve myself every day. I’m focused on being myself, and being happy , and on continuing to improve myself… As it is greatly improving my quality of life to do so.

Since I’ve started focusing internally and taking time for myself… My relationship with my children and their attitudes have improved. I have found myself in a better job. I’m happier. I’m starting to rebuild my life in positive ways. Everything is slowly falling into place. Except this one thing. The relationship that I still hold on to that holds so much doubt for me. Relationships take work, it cannot be just one person doing the work, and as the feminine presence, I need to give him the space and time to come to me. If he wants to make things work, he needs to be the catalyst for that change. I can only be myself, be warm and caring, and accept or deny what he offers me.

Thank you Archie. I think you are right, and I have long since given up the fear of driving him away by sharing my thoughts and feelings. He will stay or go regardless of what I do, so I choose to be myself. I know that he is going through a lot right now, so I am not pushing hard at all. Actually I haven’t initiated contact with him outside of work for more than 24 hours now… Just giving him space to catch his breath and catch up. I do need to sit down and talk to him in a calm and honest way. It is not a relationship without communication or honesty. The fact that he has come back to pursue me twice, and that every time we have been apart he has made sure to keep in contact with me constantly, as well as the way he shows me he cares for me (even if not in words) does show me that he is afraid to lose me. He was finally doing more than the bare minimum to keep me. Finally progressing the relationship along by his own idea and means. I just feel so conflicted with all of this. It has me wondering what internal focus I can shift to ensure that I do not have this recurring pattern with men.
It is also difficult because I am in a different place than he is. I’ve been on my own for 5 years now. I’m ready for something more meaningful, and I can plainly see that even though he voices that he wants love and a relationship, he is not ready for anything more at this time. Or perhaps he is not ready for more just with me. In either case, I can only accept that and decide what I am wanting to do from here.