Some background (have posted previously): I divorced 3.5 years ago (13 years with 3 kids). About 4-5 months later meet a woman whom I started dating and we were together for almost 2.5 years. That ended in early July of this year. We were slowly moving apart the preceding 4 months and I just didn’t want to see it. During the first 1.5 years I would say we were very happy and making it work. We saw each other every other weekend (due to kid weekends) and we had a lot in common. Then about 7 months before we broke up things were very different. During the relationship we rarely got the kids together and I only met her kids on 3 occasions. In the end we weren’t a good match. I wanted more from the relationship and she wanted to just “date”. It was a very regimented relationship. We had certain day we could see each other and that was it. Her kids are teens and I wanted to see her more. I thought that a quick walk in the neighborhood (we live 5 minutes from each other), wasn’t intruding on her time/kids. For me it was a toxic relationship and looking back I lost all confidence and basically did whatever she wanted and left my wants “at the door”.  During this relationship my work suffered, I suffered depression and anxiety and was never fully involved with my kids (only see them every other weekend). But when with her I felt alive. She was witty, smart and sexy. Everything I thought I wanted. But when not with her I felt anxious and depressed.

When we broke up I was lost, broken hearted and couldn’t stop talking about it. I did wear some friends out from this. It took about 3 weeks not to think of her constantly. I felt worse than I did during my divorce. Nothing seemed right and I honestly don’t remember much of this past summer. To make matters worse we had gone to the East coast on a vacation for a week (which I paid for) and she called it off 3 days later. When asked why she went on the trip she said “I wanted to see if I could feel the same way about the relationship as you did”. That hurt. She told me she wanted to focus on her and her kids and that is the reason for the breakup.

So I have met a wonderful woman and we have been dating for 6 weeks. She is kind, affectionate, caring and genuinely interested in me. We talk and text daily (which wasn’t allowed in previous relationship).

The problem is that I still feel this pull towards my ex. Not sure why I feel this way. I see that it wasn’t right for me or for her. On the whole things are much better: work is on the upswing and I am much more involved with the kids and life in general. But the littlest thing will trigger a memory and I’m back to being depressed. I am in counseling and that has helped. I have read that it takes X amount of time to have these feelings die down, but this was toxic in most ways. My thoughts focus on the good only and neglect to see the bad. ‘

Writing this has been therapeutic. Just wondering what others have done to help lessen the thoughts of their ex