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Friendzone ?

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  • This topic has 140 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • April 19, 2020 at 11:33 am #350520
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I’m glad that you watched this show and that you liked it. My personal favourite Vulfpeck’s song is Wait for the moment.

    Actually, I’ve been feeling quite depressed today and I know why. I’ve been looking at facebook profiles of people in my prom that I don’t know quite well. And it’s easy to think/feel that they have a happier life compared to mine (which is probably the case for the majority). Once again, I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to make friends and memories because of my depression, my parents’ divorce, the isolation of being an only child and the several times I changed school. When I meet someone for the first time, I feel that I always meet them too late and that they don’t need me in their life. And that’s why they don’t care about knowing if I am well even when the world is collapsing.

    Several friends told me that I have a gloomy, sad or angry face when I am alone in the street. In addition to my low self esteem and self confidence, I’m sure that it has ruined and keeps ruining my social life. Plus, I’m pretty sure my “friends” think that I need a lot of time on my own and that’s why they don’t send me messages very often.

    I wish I could tell you that I feel fine, that I’m finding a way out of my suffering but that would be a lie. I’m alone struggling with this and I feel that no one can really help in the long term.

    Daniel

    April 19, 2020 at 12:40 pm #350528
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    Vulfpeck’s Wait for the Moment:

    “Mom said, ‘Wait for the moment!’ – Gone home, went to bed – While the other kids, they’re still outside.

    I don’t feel time when I sleep – So I snuggle up with my sheet – And wait for a brighter day.”-

    In your post today, you wrote: “people in my prom.. they have a happier life compared to mine”- the people in your prom, they are the “other kids” in the song, playing outside while you are in bed, at home. They are having fun; you are not.

    “I feel like I missed a lot”- like that kid in the song, missing the adventures that the other kids are experiencing outside.

    This is your early life, childhood experience: missing out on life, not being where life is happening; other people/ your peers living the life that you are deprived of.

    “I have a gloomy, sad or angry face when I am alone in the street”- if you want to tell me more about your earliest memories of being deprived of living, seeing your peers truly living while you did not, please do share. I suggest this because the way to stop reliving the same emotional experience of childhood, is to locate, process and place this old emotional experience in the past, and in so doing, freeing your present and future time from the past.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .
    May 16, 2020 at 4:23 pm #355412
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    It’s been a while. I hope you and the ones you love are fine.

    You made a great analysis of the song ! Maybe you found why I like it so much. It’s strange because I’ve noticed several times having troubles when it comes to remembering my childhood. It’s as though some of my memories have been cast into a black hole.

    When I was very young, my parents divorced. My father was starting to become violent and my mom was afraid for her life and mine. So she flew away with me. After my parents’ divorce, I had to see my father every weekend. It was a nightmare every time. I was very anxious when seeing him. I was and am still afraid of him. I know he is unstable. Thus, began my story of chronic anxiety I guess. Basically my mom raised me on her own. I had very good grades at school and didn’t feel different from others. In high school, I made a few good friends that I still have to this day. Then I moved to another school and I had a bad time there because I felt that I had lost my new friends and I didn’t like my new colleagues at all. For the most part, they were particularly shallow and extroverted. Then I fell in love for the first time (I was 16). I was crazy about her, my whole world was revolving around her and all I wanted was to get close to her. I thought that it was love when in fact it was an illusion. I was in love with the image that I had of her in my mind. I barely knew her. My feelings were so intense that she knew I had them. One day, I asked her out but told me that I was imagining things, that she considered me as a colleague of class and that’s all. I was devastated, crushed. Heart broken, I remember falling on my bed crying every evening for several months. The pain would not go away. Somehow, I kept feeling sad but without any reason. I knew that it was more than casual sadness and started thinking that it may be depression. I felt weak, my self esteem was non existent and felt worthless of love and life. It lasted 4 years before my mom decided to do something about it. Indeed, one day (I was 20) I had an anxiety attack in front of her. I guess that she was scared of what I had become and could not tell herself that it was OK anymore. Thanks to her, I found a therapist who told me that it was depression and gave me pills. The pills really helped me, that’s for sure. But that’s the moment when I began experiencing panic attacks on a regular basis. This therapist can’t perform a psychotherapy for me and that’s why I’m looking for someone else. I’m sure that I need a psychotherapy most of all ! I managed to become a medecine student somehow but still struggle with issues such as friendship and romantic ones. I think that I am in a better place than a year ago but things change very slowly and I’d like to be able to enjoy life, love and be loved before it’s too late.

    Daniel

    May 16, 2020 at 5:21 pm #355428
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    May 17, 2020 at 7:26 am #355512
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    “I am in a better place than a year ago but things change very slowly and I’d like to be able to enjoy life, love and be loved before it’s too late”-

    The emotional healing kind of change in its nature is very, very… very slow. So be very, very patient with this change. Have realistic expectations: before you are able to experience joy, you will need to experience calm, and a pleasant moment here and there, and more of those.

    “My father was starting to become violent and my mom was afraid for her life and mine. So she flew away with me. After my parents’ divorce, I had to see my father every weekend. It was a nightmare every time. I was very anxious when seeing him… Thus began my story of chronic anxiety”-

    Any idea why you “had to see” your father every weekend? I wonder why your mother didn’t (or did she) request the courts to keep your violent father away from you, so to protect you???

    “I was and am still afraid of him. I know he is unstable”-

    Do you still see your father, and is so, how is he still unstable with you?

    Back to Vulfpeck’s song: Gone home, went to bed.. I don’t feel time when I sleep- So  I snuggle with my sheet- And wait for a brighter day”-

    Change will take you repeatedly getting out of bed, (literally and) figuratively, so to experience real-life experiences in the world, instead of staying in bed and waiting for a brighter day.

    anita

    May 18, 2020 at 10:02 am #355762
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I had to see my father because that’s how the law goes. The law said that I had to see him until I’m 18. My mom spend several years in court so I don’t have to see him even before turning 18 and I didn’t have to see him anymore when I was about 15. I have not seen my father since then (I’m 23 now). He was violent in the way he was talking about my mom in front of me and he could get angry at any moment for no apparent reason.

    I don’t really have a father figure in my life so I guess that a lot of my personality comes from the way my mom is and acted towards me as a child.

    Daniel

    May 18, 2020 at 10:19 am #355764
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    You didn’t see your father for 8 years, since you were 15.

    “he could get angry at any moment for no apparent reason”- an angry parent, particularly intensely and unpredictably angry parent is a very scary experience for a child. Good think you didn’t see him or a while, wished you didn’t see him since earlier than 15.. for as long as he was intensely and unpredictably angry.

    I am guessing that you will make sure when you do choose a partner in life, that she will not be easy to anger, that she will be a calm person who is in control of her anger. Is your mother like that: calm and in control of her anger?

    anita

    May 19, 2020 at 11:06 am #355970
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    You’re right, I particularly dislike people who often get angry out of the blue. I guess that I am looking for a kind of softness in a partner. My mom is rather calm but often stressful because she takes care of pretty much everything at home. She worries about everyone. She rarely gets angry. I think I’m a lot like her.

    Daniel

    May 19, 2020 at 12:47 pm #355994
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    Then you will need your future partner to not be these two things:

    1. A woman who gets angry out of the blue.

    2. A woman who is “often stressful”, and who “worries about everyone”.

    And you need your future partner to be soft and even tempered (composed, cool headed, steady, tranquil).

    anita

     

    May 19, 2020 at 2:42 pm #356018
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I wish I had someone like that but I can’t seem to find anyone. Once again, I have the feeling that I’ve lost many many opportunities to meet people and to act friendly with them. I feel like most of people around me already have a life full of memories and relationships behind them. Unlike them, I’ve been spending my life more or less isolated, surrounded by people I don’t like for the most part and it’s hard to see how beautiful the world is when the mind is obscured by clouds. I don’t understand why I can’t seem to make friends and to make those connections deep and lasting.

    Daniel

    May 19, 2020 at 3:04 pm #356022
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    “I don’t understand why I can’t seem to make friends..”- quality psychotherapy will lead you to understand and to being able to develop a “deep and lasting” relationship with a life partner of the kind I mentioned, the right one for you.

    You can  make it happen by healing and learning with the help of a good psychotherapist.

    One more thing: there are lots and lots of people who feel socially isolated/ not having deep and lasting relationships, you are not the only one.

    anita

    May 23, 2020 at 10:18 am #356538
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I know you’re right but I have an issue when it comes to taking care of myself and it includes making an appointment with a psychotherapist. It feels like an endless loop. Right now, I feel trapped in my life. I’d like to go out and meet people but I can’t, I’m scared. The more time flies, the more I feel people run away from me.

    I wish I knew where to meet those socially isolated people and talk about their feelings and mine. It makes me think of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles : “all the lonely people, where do they all belong? ”

    Daniel

    May 23, 2020 at 1:03 pm #356566
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    “It makes me think of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles: ‘all the lonely people, where do they all belong?'”- my answer: lonely people belong with people.

    “People”, by Barbra Streisand:  “People who need people..  first be a person who needs people.. With one person, one very special person,  A feeling deep in your soul, Says you were half now you’re whole, No more hunger and thirst, But first be a person who needs people”.

    I know you are scared and that you feel stuck. Maybe if you need people more than you are scared of people, maybe you will get unstuck. Maybe..?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .
    May 29, 2020 at 2:14 pm #357190
    Daniel
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I think I get your point. I need people but I need the good ones. I realized that there are some people around me who seem to be able to listen to me and to act as what I could call a friend. I feel a bit less lonely as a consequence. And I’ve been thinking about some people who don’t seem to care at all. Sometimes I would hesitate to send them a message but stop while realizing that it’s not worth the hassle. I’ve been thinking about a friend of mine who barely talks to me these weeks and it hurts a bit actually. I downloaded some meeting apps once again a few weeks ago. This time, I don’t really care about meeting someone or not and I don’t take things at heart like I used to do (for instance, when someone I started liking suddenly stopped responding my texts). I’ve been meeting a few girls and even though I don’t have romantic feelings for them it is fun to meet people ! One of them could end up as being a friend of mine, who knows?

    I’ve started looking for a psychotherapist but I don’t know how. How can I choose among all of them? Should I see a male or a female? I don’t know

    Studies stress me a lot these last weeks. It’s hard to keep studying when librairies are closed and there is so much I have to learn… it’s overwhelming sometimes.

    Thank you again anita for being here for me (and for us).

    Daniel

    May 29, 2020 at 3:16 pm #357196
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Daniel:

    You are welcome, thank you for expressing that you appreciate me.

    “Studies stress me a lot.. it’s overwhelming sometimes”- try to see just what’s in front of you, the one page of the book that’s in front of you, not the whole chapter or book.

    “I downloaded some meeting apps.. This time, I don’t really car3e about meeting someone.. I’ve been meeting a few girls.. One of them could end up as being a friend”- same principle as above: look just what’s in front of you, this one message from this one girl, that’s all- don’t imagine/ look for the next message and the next, and see/wish for a whole relationship in front of you.

    One page at a time.. a bite size pieces approach, so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

    Regarding a therapist, it might have to be online therapy aka teletherapy (Zoom app or such) because of the pandemic, check to see if that’s your only option at the time and think if online therapy (zoom and such) can work for you.

    anita

     

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