I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I am also quite a loner. I also have some social anxiety. I have made efforts over the last couple of years to make new friends as sustaining long term friendships is a problem for me. I am now at a stage in a friendship where I want to pull back and withdraw as I am finding the friend too much.

We have known one another for about a year, meeting at a social group. My friend J is 20 years older than me and she is new to the area. She is South African and can be quite blunt. She can also be great fun and we have shared enjoyment of doing things. At first I used to laugh off her rudeness and deflect or ignore what feels like criticism. However, as is often the case at this time of year, my mood is lowered and I feel like if she says something harsh or critical then I will react badly.

A couple of weeks ago we were going to go to London for the day. It’s something I usually do in the run up to Christmas to look at the lights and the big store windows. She wanted us to go together. The day before we were due to go she messaged me worrying about getting train tickets. I was a little surprised as she is very independent and has lived in London and travels there by train every couple of months to see friends. It seems like she was making a deal out of something very straightforward but I humoured her and met her at the station that day to buy her ticket. She was uptight and I felt I could not say much without her being defensive, even though I was being very patient and careful with what I said to her. When she eventually got her ticket she suggested coffee. We went to a coffee bar and she was quite disdainful towards me as she can sometimes be. As she often does, she started asking me about my life and I had been through a very stressful week. I don’t like to hash over things when I am stressed, but prefer to try and have a good time instead. I often feel like I am getting the third degree from J about my life and the problems in it and that is coupled with what feels like criticism and questions levied in such a way as to make me feel that I am conducting myself wrongly. J asked me about a specific situation and then quickly started to say how she would have handled it differently. I was shocked that she was doing that, it felt horrible and I did not know what to say. Fortunately I had to go at that point for a doctor’s appointment. I went home and cried a lot. I then cancelled going the next day, I made an excuse as I knew I would not cope with J.

She has messaged me this week about meeting up before Christmas, i.e. this weekend. I suggested a movie round at mine one evening, (that way I could avoid talking to her too much and focus on keeping the mood light). She responded a day later to say she didn’t want to and could we go out for a pub lunch Sunday. I wanted to make an excuse but I feel like I need to push myself past the problem and deal with it in another way which is more constructive than avoiding it. I agreed and she replied that we should speak tomorrow to decide when and where. The whole thing has made me feel so worried. I know she will expect me to suggest a venue, a time and probably me to drive. I’d really like to know what others would do in this situation?

I have to make my own decision about how to handle this but sometimes another’s perspective can help.

Any thoughts, advice, suggestions will be much appreciated.

Thanks

BB