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February 25, 2019 at 8:00 am #281621
ThomasParticipantSo I’m a bisexual guy who dated this guy for a month, didn’t work out in the end cause he didn’t feel the same way I did but he wanted to be friends & so do I as we have a lot in common. Now we have been having friction, I have anxiety & get a lot of panic attacks so I have been questioning him over the friendship at times and he’s been re-assuring me which I know I shouldn’t ask him but things came to a head a week last Sunday where I has a panic attack and sent him a lot of messages while he was on a date & then I said more stuff after he responded which created an argument. He then said that he always has to consider my feelings, I’m always expecting an immediate & constant reply which he’s not like with hus other mates & would like a fresh start but this has happened before. He did say that we do actually get along & we can be friends but this needs to stop or he’ll have to kick me to the curb. He’s knows the panic attacks aren’t my fault, doesn’t want me to apologise or feel bad, just said to me take a weeks space to clear my head and we’ll take it from there next week. So messaged him today etc. But is this fixable or have I ruined things for myself?
February 25, 2019 at 9:02 am #281657
AnonymousGuestDear Thomas:
He told you that he wants a week of space from you, no contact, that is, but you didn’t respect what he wanted and sent him a message anyway, did I understand correctly?
anita
February 25, 2019 at 9:16 am #281661ThomasParticipantJust to add more context (don’t know how to edit post)
He also said to me that we do get along and he doesn’t see a reason as to why we can’t be friends and it can work, he just wants to have more matey banter & chat and stop with the conversations about the friendship & having to re-assure me constantly. I did ask him to hang out and he hasn’t acknowledged or replied to it and the week before he did say he didn’t want to hang out with me that week so dunno if I should let the dust settle I just want to know we are genuinely good mates & we’ll be much better pals once we get past this. I haven’t spoken to him about what happened last week as didn’t want to continue that type of conversation.
February 25, 2019 at 9:18 am #281663ThomasParticipantSorry no I did give him space for a week, last spoke a week ago on sunday (week before last) and i started messaging him again this saturday & he replied on sunday.
February 25, 2019 at 9:38 am #281669AnonymousGuestDear Thomas:
So you respected his assertion of the one week space/ no contact, and he replied to you Sunday, yesterday. If his reply was not his assertion that you no longer contact him, then there is hope for a friendship with him, don’t you think?
You asked in your original post: “is this fixable or have I ruined things for myself?”-
I’d say your anxiety is significant and you need to calm it best you can. Daily walks outside, mindful guided meditations that are available online, yoga, tai chi, these are a few of the ways that you can calm yourself throughout the day.
Before you contact him, calm yourself. When you feel the urge to ask him for reassurance- don’t. Take a deep breath and choose to not ask him for reassurance. Thoughtfully choose your words so to increase the chances of a friendship.
Can you do that?
anita
February 25, 2019 at 9:57 am #281679ThomasParticipantYes when re replied we had a bit of a laugh about a joke & spoke about the rugby game at the six nations championship. No words were said about him no wanting contact anymore etc.
Think it is just my anxiety & paranoia messing with my head and expecting the worse, he hasn’t actually said to me he doesn’t want to be friends or that he doesn’t like me.
February 25, 2019 at 10:04 am #281681AnonymousGuestDear Thomas:
Then there is hope for the friendship to continue and even improve.
Best you can do for the sake of this friendship and for your own well-being is manage your anxiety better so that you suffer less and less of it. Quality psychotherapy can help.
Anxiety is really the human condition. Everyone is anxious, some more than others at any one time. There are lots of strategies to manage and lower anxiety levels, lots of literature, books (libraries, book stores, online). There is plenty on the Home Page of this website.
anita
February 25, 2019 at 11:10 am #281739ThomasParticipantYeah I’m going to see an CBT councillor tomorrow to take control of my anxiety because it’s getting out of hand and is ruining my friendships including this one. Need to get it under control I just hope I can turn things around with my pal ?
February 25, 2019 at 11:35 am #281757AnonymousGuestDear Thomas:
Have patience with the process that hopefully will begin tomorrow with your CBT councilor. It will take time and hard, persistent work and practice. Your pal reads reasonable to me, from the little you shared, not rigid and unforgiving. But everyone has their limits of course, and should have their limits!
– So work hard in therapy, engage in the process of lowering and managing your anxiety.
There is no guarantees in life, as you know and I can’t assure you that your friend will respond well to you in the future. A lot in life is about statistical chances. You increase your chances of keeping him as a friend if and as you manage your anxiety better.
anita
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