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  • February 25, 2019 at 9:02 am #281657
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Thomas:

    He told you that he wants a week of space from you, no contact, that is, but you didn’t respect what he wanted and sent him a message anyway, did I understand correctly?

    anita

    February 25, 2019 at 9:16 am #281661
    Thomas
    Participant

    Just to add more context (don’t know how to edit post)

    He also said to me that we do get along and he doesn’t see a reason as to why we can’t be friends and it can work, he just wants to have more matey banter & chat and stop with the conversations about the friendship & having to re-assure me constantly. I did ask him to hang out and he hasn’t acknowledged or replied to it and the week before he did say he didn’t want to hang out with me that week so dunno if I should let the dust settle I just want to know we are genuinely good mates & we’ll be much better pals once we get past this. I haven’t spoken to him about what happened last week as didn’t want to continue that type of conversation.

    February 25, 2019 at 9:18 am #281663
    Thomas
    Participant

    Sorry no I did give him space for a week, last spoke a week ago on sunday (week before last) and i started messaging him again this saturday & he replied on sunday.

    February 25, 2019 at 9:38 am #281669
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Thomas:

    So you respected his assertion of the one week space/ no contact, and he replied to you Sunday, yesterday. If his reply was not his assertion that you no longer contact him, then there is hope for a friendship with him, don’t you think?

    You asked in your original post: “is this fixable or have I ruined things for myself?”-

    I’d say your anxiety is significant and you need to calm it best you can. Daily walks outside, mindful guided meditations that are available online, yoga, tai chi, these are a few of the ways that you can calm yourself throughout the day.

    Before you contact him, calm yourself. When you feel the urge to ask him for reassurance- don’t. Take a deep breath and choose to not ask him for reassurance. Thoughtfully choose your words so to increase the chances of a friendship.

    Can you do that?

    anita

    February 25, 2019 at 9:57 am #281679
    Thomas
    Participant

    Yes when re replied we had a bit of a laugh about a joke & spoke about the rugby game at the six nations championship. No words were said about him no wanting contact anymore etc.

     

    Think it is just my anxiety & paranoia messing with my head and expecting the worse, he hasn’t actually said to me he doesn’t want to be friends or that he doesn’t like me.

    February 25, 2019 at 10:04 am #281681
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Thomas:

    Then there is hope for the friendship to continue and even improve.

    Best you can do for the sake of this friendship and for your own well-being is manage your anxiety better so that you suffer less and less of it. Quality psychotherapy can help.

    Anxiety is really the human condition. Everyone is anxious, some more than others at any one time. There are lots of strategies to manage and lower anxiety levels, lots of literature, books (libraries, book stores, online). There is plenty on the Home Page of this website.

    anita

    February 25, 2019 at 11:10 am #281739
    Thomas
    Participant

    Yeah I’m going to see an CBT councillor tomorrow to take control of my anxiety because it’s getting out of hand and is ruining my friendships including this one. Need to get it under control I just hope I can turn things around with my pal ?

    February 25, 2019 at 11:35 am #281757
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Thomas:

    Have patience with the process that hopefully will begin tomorrow with your CBT councilor. It will take time and hard, persistent work and practice. Your pal reads reasonable to me, from the little you shared, not rigid and unforgiving. But everyone has their limits of course, and should have their limits!

    – So work hard in therapy, engage in the process of lowering and managing your anxiety.

    There is no guarantees in life, as you know and I can’t assure you that your friend will respond well to you  in the future. A lot in life is about statistical chances. You increase your chances of keeping him as a friend if and as you manage your anxiety better.

    anita

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