MD,

Sometimes when we study Buddhism without a teacher, we can gain a false sense of “feelings arent real”, which is a nihilistic view, afflictive. Such as “this is illusion, so nothing matters”. Had he been with a Zen teacher, that teacher may have struck him square in the nose, then asked if it wasnt real, why the fuss?

It sounds like your boyfriend is having a hard time understanding feelings. Consider a different approach to his nihilism, his “nothing matters, feelings are an illusion.” Perhaps “my feelings are important to me, and that does matter, and hopefully to you. You alive in there?” or “You might see it in the brain, but what about your heart?”. Said differently, if you want to try to build something with him, help him bring his attention downward into his chest where his empathy rests. “Out of your head, buddy, look at me, needin a hug here… where’s your warmth?”, arms waving.

Finally, consider that if he’s insistent, such as refuses to come to the plate emotionally, you may wish to throw in the towel and move on. You have a tenderness of spirit, dear sister, and deserve a partner that honors it, not denounces it. Its a precious jewel, and don’t just give it away to the first a-hole you stumble across. Make them show you they deserve your attention, you’re worth it!

Namaste, friend, may your wings find their updraft.

With warmth,
Matt

Hello MD and thanks for being new! 🙂

I agree with everyone else, and at the risk of sounding redundant, I’ll just add another point of view. I notice something similar in his behaviour, something that I have experienced myself and have witnessed in other people. When there is more thinking than feeling, things get unbalanced. People start to approach spiritual practices from an intellectual viewpoint and miss out on the actual wisdom behind them. They essentially say and do all the right things, but without the mind-heart connection, or a balance between thinking and feeling, the whole thing becomes twisted. I think his practice has indeed become twisted.

Without this proper balance, he also seems to have problems processing emotions. To me it seems as if his brain is all about the analysing and the processing of information, so when an emotion arises, he has no capacity to deal with it. I’m basing all this on my own experiences, the kind of person I have been and my experiences with other similar people. I can relate to those who are more about the thinking, but luckily have gained some more perspective on it.

I would be someone who might get annoyed by watching a screen where someone is typing and then they stop and then I don’t know what is happening. The feeling of anger over not knowing arises. How I deal with that feeling has changed over time for me. Before, my impatience and the need to know might’ve caused me to tell the other person that it’s really annoying what they are doing, though I still would’ve understood that they’re not doing it just to upset me 🙂 Now, I let go of that anger much faster, so it’s almost as if it doesn’t even exist. It still comes up, but it is let go of, and instead I relax and think that I’ll get the message they are writing as soon as they are finished writing it. Or if they decide that they’re not going to say anything, then that’s fine. Though there are exceptions to this: when there is tension between me and that person, knowing what he or she is thinking becomes more important, and there is more anxiety over not knowing. Still, even after that, I try to resolve the situation with a bit of tact, which means not getting consumed by the sudden emotion.

So, I understand that anger can arise in different situations over the smallest things, but what happens after that is the measure of the person’s capabilities. We are not 3 years old anymore. There are so many points in between watching a screen where someone is typing and actually telling them that you want to punch a wall, where he could’ve dissolved the situation for himself and let go, but he didn’t. He may think that feelings are an illusion, but they sure have control over him and not the other way around 🙂 And that is what happens when you don’t accept that you have feelings and you try to detach from them: you become crippled in handling them. It’s like denying that there is a flood in your house. “Oh, no, that’, it’s not really there.” Yet it’s ruining everything and unless you deal with it, it’s not going to go away.

I’m really glad that you are questioning his sensibility.