Dee,

I’m sorry for the difficulty you’re experiencing, and know how scary the blank potential can be. Sometimes when we have spent a long time with a constantly evolving task list, when we suddenly find ourselves without one, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps it is a little freaky to be meeting up with the unknown. There is a budding belief that you’re intelligent, artistic, and beautiful… but then you come upon that blank canvas and it inspires anxiety. “What if I paint wrong?” “What if I make a mistake?” “How could I really think I can transform this canvas into an expression?” This is normal, usual and part of growing up. I know it may seem strange, growing up in your 40s, but consider that now that you don’t have specific roles to identify with (mother, wife) it really is about you as a woman. So the son leaves, and the empty nest echoes with the aimlessness you’ve had as a woman outside of the roles.

There are two approaches to the blank canvas of Dee. The first is to just start painting. Said differently.. you have a camera, and an eye, so pick it up and start clicking away. Then, just look through what you shoot until you find something that sings to your heart. When you see it, perhaps it will feel like a little bolt of visual umami, or a sparkle of emotion. You don’t have to plot or plan, just follow the threads of beauty and capture what you can.

The other path is one of patience and self nurturing. You’ve been through some large changes, and instead of looking to the future and trying to figure out what it all means and who you are, consider intentionally being patient. The roles you’ve played have been on your shoulders for years and years, and you’re two months into redescovery and feeling impatient with yourself? Sheesh! Did you give a spanking to your kids for not learning the alphabet in one go? Did you become afraid they would never learn to read because they had a hard time with vowel sounds? So why beat yourself up over it taking a little time for your heart to blossom and lead you toward joy?

So be patient, take the time to get to know what is beautiful in your eyes. What sparkles for you. What causes your emotions to well up, become inspired, become awake. When we know that, when we have a good sense of that, the unknown, blank potential doesn’t scare us anymore, because we carry the light inside us. The canvas is only a medium, and will always reflect, but never perfectly capture, that beauty inside us.

With warmth,
Matt