Your freaking out because of lose of control, you had “your future planned” and now you dont. And as a control freak you cant handle that.

cathy move on! You cannot be friends with this guy. You need no contact.

I am in a similar situation, well he is my BF, but just dropped the bomb on me of ‘not being ready’ to talk about the future at OUR age (in our forties) same exact scenario as your BF for his divorce…he has been out of the house for 3 years and STILL is in shambles.

URG.

The men! They are just perfect and the timing is all off. move on. I am still with my bf but its HARD.

Hi Cathy,

It takes at the very least,a couple of years to grieve a long marriage or relationship. It sounds like the timing of your relationship was off. The right man at the wrong time for him.
This is probably something that you can’t help him with but it’s great that you both have therapists for support. Maybe you need to listen carefully to what your man is telling you. 1] He has nothing to give to a relationship right now. 2] He doesn’t want talk about love, your relationship, your future. 3] He doesn’t WANT you to wait around.
What you were describing is being ” in love ” which has little to do with real and lasting love. How long did you know this man? Becoming best friends takes a very long time.

You sound very romantic but romance is not reality. Your man is telling you in every way that you should move on without him. He wants you to date other men. A man who loves you would not be talking that way. A man who loves you would be totally upset at the very thought. Hey, it was great while it lasted but it’s over. I’m sad for you. it hurts and it will take time for you to heal too but please, for both your sakes, let him go.

Hi Cathy,

I have a friend who went through this exact thing and my advice might not be so popular, but you know what? She gave him some space and their friendship turned back into love. THey couldn’t stay away from each other. They are still together four years later and they’re still completely in love and soul mates. Yes, things have been rocky for them and yes, he has had a rough time getting over the divorce. They’ve gone through some terrible moments (like when his ex up and started dating a friend of his and it really shook him up and he took some space). However, she has provided him with a lot of space, has learned to get happiness from other sources and has had to spend a lot of time rebuilding herself after her divorce, also.

So I guess what I’m saying is, follow your path even if it doesn’t look like you thought it would. I know how it hurts. I have been there. But in the end, if you truly believe you have found your soul mate, believe this, love him and let it go if you have to (for now). It’s that cliche that if you love something, let it go and if it’s meant to be, it will come back to you. You may find this impossible and you two may end up back together in a number of days…but you know what? Maybe that is meant to be. I’m not saying you have an easy road if you choose this path, but my friend? She thinks it was 100% worth it, bumps and all, and has found the love of her life. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all are looking for – even if it doesn’t look like what we always thought and expected? 🙂

Good luck, and if he’s your soulmate, this definitely isn’t goodbye. Take heart in that. 🙂

-Jennifer

Cathy it is wonderful that you are his best friend. I hope for both of you that he can find a way to let go of the past, you say he is mourning the betrayal and waste of time, but he may also be mourning all the hope, possibilities and love he put in to that relationship. Lets be honest after what has just happened to him, he probably cannot see a future for himself never mind with someone.
I would also say MAYBE at this moment in time he is so afraid of hurting you and losing you completely, a friendship is all he can offer, At least he gets to see you being happy.
So all I can say is be a friend, we all needs friends, just do not plan a future until he can see the possibility of a future.
As for your future and dating other people a good friend once said to me “enjoy the tapestry of life”, go dating enjoy the meeting people you always learn something new.

Love and light

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Even though his wife cheated and they are divorcing, he still needs to grieve the loss. The loss of a life and a marriage he planned with his wife. The house, their friends, he loses his in laws and she loses her in laws. There’s a lot of changes going on and this is something he has to deal with on his own. He can’t ‘give’ to you right now as he has nothing to give. He can’t put you first, be your lover and make you number one priority so he has chosen to back off and keep it simple – Friends. if you can’t handle it, then do give him space, try no contact for a while.

He is quietly telling you in his own way that he won’t commit to you. You have these dreams, think he’s your soul mate…..What if he felt that but now reality has hit and he has changed his mind or as he is telling you only wants friendship. He doesn’t want to be responsible for your life, which is why he’s told you to move on, date others. When a person shows you who they are, believe them!

You invested a lot into him and your heart is so into him, we get that and he may have felt that way but right now he can’t handle it. If you truly love and respect him, continue with your counseling, keep busy, focus on yourself and friends in your life and allow him space and time to figure things out. If you push him and not give him the space he needs, he’ll walk out of your life for good.