Hi everyone, I’m so glad I found these forums!

There is a problem I am going through and need some insight into it. Am I being used? or am I being too sensitive?

Ever since knowing Anna, she is always “busy.” Though I suspect she isn’t as busy as she claims. How do I know this? Well, she is unemployed, goes to college, her parents drive her back and forth and we all live in the same city. So, it’s impossible for me and Stacy to get her to hang out with us since she always uses the “I’m busy” line. Interestingly, everyone never declines hanging out with Anna when she is free since it is a rare opportunity, not to mention we are just happy to see Anna.

I was very understanding since she was in school. But things got fishy at this point. So in Spring, Anna’s school semester ended and we met up at her place. We all agreed that we should try to make plans for this summer and do it since we all live downtown. Swimming, cottages and bars. You name it. Anna said she wanted to hang out because she was free and only taking like one summer course.

We decided to make plans for the cottage first and the three of us were excited. All that was left to do was to make a date. After like a month there was no mention from her. Later, I realized she isn’t interested in hanging out and the promises could not be kept since I asked if we wanted to swim in her condo but she kept saying “no” without bothering to get back at me about it. It only happened twice though. Last, I confronted her in not the nicest way that we aren’t have not done anything at all this summer. She denied and brought up the cottage trip which I knew was a lie since there was no way she was actually gonna go to it. I told her I wasn’t interested anymore in the cottage trip since realistically, she could not take time away from her course since it just begun. We ended up going to a restaurant and then I never heard from her since. The thing is, Stacy and I use to invite her for sleepovers and movies last minute (she lives 5 minutes away), but she said “I need to know before hand.” So this summer, I gave her a week in advance but she still said “no.”

I became upset and called her a horrible friend. She ended up responding that different friendships have different expectations. This is hurtful since she claims we are “best friends” but throughout the year, she does not call to talk on phone nor text. I know she is busy but I feel like she knows I won’t say “no” to her and make time for her, but when we make plans, she doesn’t bother to make time for it.

How it feels is, “you can see me only when I am free, otherwise I can’t see or talk to you at all.”

I started to complain about Anna to Stacy (who had the same problem with the lack of reciprocation). I feel awful that I started digging into the past and started gossiping about how selfish Anna was.For months I complained about this and Stacy agreed, but I feel we got off topic and started bring issues years ago back up.

Finally, I managed to ask her if she wanted to hang out this weekend. She said she would like to. She’s only flaked on me once with the cottage and swimming thing, but I am still in shock that she said “oh I just said that.” I felt like she was pulling my strings.

Enough about her, now about my mistakes or potential ones:

1. She didn’t force me to hang out with her all the time, it was my choice to hang out with her, so as a solution, I am refusing her invitations so I don’t feel used, but now initiate more plans.

2. I am no longer ranting and complaining to Stacy, since I’ve learnt that it only blows things out of proportion and fuels me with hatred. It prevents me from forgiving. I also have a feeling that I made Stacy hate Anna along with me through my complaints. In a sense, I think we reassured each others anger towards Anna.

3. Anna is a nice person, despite maybe she lacks reciprocation. So I don’t want to keep talking behind her back since I already did for months. Her intentions were so malicious as I make it out to seem. Yes, she lied to me, but then again, she probably didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but then why would she string me around with this illusion that we will hang out?

4. I’m trying to not use the labels “manipulate” and “use” since it reinforces negative feelings but I can’ t find a way to say it.

I wanna forgive her and end my suffering. I don’t want to bear a grudge. I want to continue the friendship except with my new rules.

• This topic was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Alana.