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Forgetting myself along the way?

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  • February 16, 2016 at 12:51 pm #96201
    Jenny
    Participant

    I will try to make this as short as possible, I am in an interesting situation that is teaching me quite a bit about life but I feel as if I am getting a little lost along the way.

    So to begin I guess I have been on a journey of self discovery, freedom and happiness since I was 15. I have friends that call me the 24 year old Ghandi because I have always had advice for them on how to let go of attachments, being ok with what happens and always knowing that happiness is something that comes from within. However recently I seem to have lost a lot of it because of my situation (which has really been a blessing, so I can’t even complain or say I want to change it). Its a little complicated to explain though.

    When I graduated university I decided I needed to go out into the world and experience life no matter what and through my thinking and intentions I managed to get an amazing opportunity in a different country to work for a very wealthy person. She took a liking to me and decided to become a sort of mentor. It really has changed my life in the past year alone I have lived all over the world and learned about many different industries and businesses. While doing this of course as a busy person she was not always with me, just gave me a task and assigned me to a team. In one of these teams I also happen to meet someone who is definitely one of my soul mates. I didn’t know what love was until this person. And as fate would have it we ended up working on the same projects more often than not. A couple of months apart here and there but mostly together in the past 2 years. Now we even live together because the city we are working in has an apartment that belongs to the company so to save money we are using it.

    Now the problem, ever since I met this person, though our relationship started free and loving and light, I have been getting more and more attached. This country is his home country so he has a lot of friends, me unfortunately because of the amount of time I work, 6 days a week and 12 hour days, I haven’t had a chance or really tried to make the effort to make other friends here besides him. So I guess after 12 hours at work I just want to go home and he’s at home so why bother looking for anything else. We are both working towards our dreams and I know this is just a phase so this doesn’t bother me but apparently it is really bothering him. He has always been the free spirit that even when he is in love he knows that it can disapear at any moment and you have to be ok with it. I used to be that way too. But now I seem to have forgotten those things and I just cant seem to find happiness from within. I think too much is depending on him. So now he tells me things like “sometimes I wish I could go do other things without feeling bad that you’ll be alone” and I tell him to please do, that I will figure out what to do Im not a child”, but he says even though he knows that, he loves me so he still feels bad about the situation. I don’t want to lose my mentality that I have always had, I find myself with fears now, of losing him, even though I know he is not really mine to lose. I don’t know how to change my thoughts or emotions, or get back to the freedom I once used to feel. Maybe its because I am too in love but to be honest this isn’t the kind of love that I want to experience. The problem is that I know most of the advice that is out there for these types of situations and because I know it already its hard to find help.

    Any insight would be lovely. How to master these emotions and love without attachment?

    February 16, 2016 at 1:50 pm #96213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny:

    The concept, the principle of not being attached, of letting go and letting be is a good concept but is not possible to execute perfectly and not only that, it is not reasonable to execute it perfectly.

    When you are not that attached, it is easy enough to let go of the little attachment. When you are strongly attached to someone, it is no longer relatively easy. Or possible.

    There is a Buddhist type meditation where people meditate on releasing their attachment to their own body and being okay with dying at any moment. It is called death meditation. I am not going to attempt that kind of meditation because no way can I not be attached to my physical life. An animal will do anything to preserve its life, it is in the genes through millions of years of evolution. I cannot change this genetically encoded attachment to life by meditating or anything at all.

    Same regarding attachment to a person. It is also genetically encoded in us. In the situation you are in, having only him as a friend and a lover, this is a fertile ground for stronger attachment, but it can happen in other situations as well.

    In your quest for un-attachment, i am suggesting to be realistic, to practice it in moderation, not to expect to be completely free of what makes us human. it is impossible.

    What do you think so far?

    anita

    February 16, 2016 at 4:39 pm #96225
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Jenny –

    You know when it comes to deeply loving someone whether you are the person that is strongly attached or vise versa, it’s not something that you can just turn off. It’s more spiritual than anything, it is the love bond. That is why people get married, I mean let’s be honest here, people are strongly attached to something. If being emotionally attached to someone is wrong, then marriage would be highly frowned upon as people being un-healthly and co dependent on each other. That goes for any kind of relationship for that matter. We are meant to bond with people, love people, be affectionate and close to people that our hearts feel connected to. I love my future wife and people can judge me as they will but I am attached to her in a healthy way because my love is pure and deep for her. Quite frankly I wouldn’t/couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t want to have a close relationship or marriage with me. I cannot do the long distance relationship thing, I want a partnership and to be together sharing a beautiful life together. Although that doesn’t mean that, I have to constantly be around my future wife all the time, as I can give her – her personal space whenever she needs it. That is not a problem at all but long distance is something I can no longer handle. how I feel about our love is that, I am a penguin who gave my future wife a beautiful black heart shaped pebble that meant forever and I still have my black promise ring I still wear at times on my ring finger as a reminder of our love. A symbolism. Being together to help each other through our strengths and weaknesses is what I am 100% ready for but not living apart from each other again, cannot happen because we know it wouldn’t work. It destroyed us once and I can’t let that happen again, as we both suffered greatly in the end for it. We are 99% better now, we are just about there.

    We can psycho analyze marriages and relationships by dissecting them and come to the conclusion that 2 people wanting to share a life together, most definitely have co-dependancy and attachment issues. You see where I’m coming from? So this entire co-dependacy and attachment thing gets really complex and messy. As the human species we are meant to have a mate/partner. It is human nature and so it is normal, it’s in our DNA. Now, if you don’t want that in your life that’s fine but you must tell this other person that having an attachment isn’t what you really want. Personally I’d rather be hurt sooner than later, that is the selfless thing a person can do for another is to let them move on and be with someone who is looking for the same thing and wanting to be attached. What I can say is that I’m not attached to my body as I almost died last Wednesday in the hands of mother nature while in the ocean, hanging onto to dear life to lava rocks. I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t attached to my body per say, I felt no pain, I had accepted that I was most likely going to die but my human instincts played a role of holding on to the lava rocks. Having a recent near death experience your entire body goes numb from the adrenaline. It’s hard to explain unless you experience it for yourself, something I don’t wish upon anyone because an hour after the adrenaline wears off when you are out of the water and safe. You go into shock for awhile about what just happened and you turn in for the night, earlier than usual because something like that drains your entire energy.

    So the point to my story is that coming out of this alive, I realized that I had only survived to learn that I have a very important mission on this earth. The moment that I thought I was going to die in the ocean, I thought about how much I loved my future wife and my family. I can’t even imagine their devastation had my life ended there in the ocean where I was. After that, it just goes to show how truly precious your life is. How 1 simple and innocent decision could take your life away, if mother nature intended to that day but she didn’t – So I saw her hidden message to me, saying ” Your mission in life isn’t over yet, so I’m not ending your life just yet. Attachment or no attachment, just cherish every beautiful moment of love and life that you have while you’re still here. Be happy and if letting go is what you feel you need to do in order to feel 100% happy again, then just let go. Life is too precious to be afraid of what others may think of your decision(s). Do you what yo feel is right and healthy for you.

    I wish you nothing but complete happiness on your journey. Be well and take care.

    February 17, 2016 at 4:40 am #96261
    Samwise
    Participant

    Find a compromise? If he doesn’t go out now maybe once a week he can and tou will try to be okay with it? Use that time to meditate on your emotions.

    February 17, 2016 at 12:51 pm #96316
    Jenny
    Participant

    Dear Anita, it is possible I agree, to try and practice in moderation. The only reason I wish to really embrace detachment is because I feel I am suffering due to it. This suffering over the fact that this person, because of their nature, is feeling closed in because he wants to experience change and different things all the time… I don’t want to be the cause of those feelings. I want him to be as free as possible. I just want to be okay with whatever happens, which at this point I am not feeling on a day to day basis. You know how they say that the harder you hold on to something the more likely it is it will run away from you, well I feel I am holding on too hard and he is starting to want to escape. He hasn’t mentioned this but they are my own feelings that come instinctually. I could be wrong but your instincts rarely are.

    And the issue is not that I don’t allow him to do things, not at all. He can go anywhere at any point, the issue is more like the fact that because we are always together, there is no room for anything else. And I think because the fact I don’t have many options in terms of friends here, he feels obligated to always be with me so I am not alone. I truly believe he needs and wants me to be the one to separate a little and take time to myself, so he can do it without feeling guilty, but the thing is I am not the one that is unhappy with the situation so I haven’t so far because if you are happy with something there is no motivation to change it.

    I’m not sure I am making myself understood very well. It is hard to get feelings out into words when you barely understand them yourself. What I am trying to do now, is make new friends and just get involved in activities outside what we are doing together. The problem is that I am not feeling very happy in my day to day anymore because of this, and knowing that you are the only person that can make you happy, I am not sure what to do to get that back again…

    February 17, 2016 at 3:18 pm #96342
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny:

    I read your latest post and then the part about your boyfriend in your original post. From what you wrote you are okay with him going out on his own and spending time by himself with his family and friends. Is that correct?

    From my understanding it is he who is having a problem with going out on his own. You told him it is okay with you but he still has a problem. So to solve his problem (his problem, not yours) you feel like you … have to go out yourself, even though you are tired after 12 hours or work, and even though you don’t want to… just so that he will feel more comfortable and so that he will not terminate the relationship.

    I am thinking that the problem is that he is pressuring you, and you are feeling pressured, to go out of your current home, to leave it when you are tired while you prefer to be inside the home.

    If I am getting it, can you communicate with him clearly that it is okay with you to stay home, that you prefer that, and that you are too tired to leave? That you are not interested at this point to get out on your own? That it is not a matter of attachment to him that you want to stay indoors but simply that you are … tired and need to wind down?

    And if you already explained this clearly and he doesn’t understand… I think he has a problem that he needs to own (instead of you owning his problem).

    Your thoughts?

    anita

    March 9, 2016 at 7:55 am #98431
    Jenny
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes you did understand the situation, his issue is that he feels GUILTY leaving me home alone because I don’t have many friends and am not really making the effort to make any. We spoke about it and I made it clear that it was his issue to want to leave and do other things and he should. That I was an adult and I could handle and actually didn’t mind the alone time, and that in the process I would probably make friends of my own. He understood and has started going out more. I think it was his problem to begin with all along. Thanks for making that more obvious, sometimes you identify with loved ones problems that directly affect you.

    March 9, 2016 at 8:02 am #98433
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny:

    I am glad he is finally understanding your position. I suppose he inaccurately projected his feelings and beliefs into you. That happens a lot. Glad you were clear with him. Keep being clear with yourself- and with others- about your feelings and motivations. And post anytime you’d like.

    anita

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