Dear rideeta:

You wrote: “I could not get married and pretend to be someone else for the rest of my life”-

Good choice on your part. You would have felt great despair if you did marry him and pretend to believe in the religion he believes in, practicing it, talking like you do, basically, lying to him and to his family.. and to yourself.

There is a price to pay for this good choice, and that is the loneliness you are experiencing. You were attached to him, emotionally and you still are.

It is most important that you don’t reach out to him anymore, as you have done in the last 1.5 months, as he asked you. You are doing the right thing by not reaching out to him.

He is probably not going to change his religion, is he. And you are not going to believe in it, are you. There is nothing to do then but lose hope in what is highly unlikely to happen.

When you see him in class, try to see him without the hope in your eyes. Lose that hope and your attachment will weaken.

anita

Dear rideeta:

Relationships are this difficult for many. When strong emotional attachment is formed, it is powerful and difficult to undo. Think of the emotional attachment a young child forms for her mother, and how devastating it is for the child to be left alone by the mother, to feel abandoned, to even imagine being away from her mother.

The emotional attachments we form as adults, the romantic ones, especially, can feel as strong.

Do you remember yourself as a young child, feeling attached to your mother or father, or both, how strong it felt?

anita

Hello Rideeta,

You wrote : “Are relationships this difficult for everyone? I feel devastated.”

I cannot speak for everyone but for me, my recent break up crushed me. I was depressed. I felt like I lost a best friend, a boyfriend and a soulmate. I was very attached and dependant on my ex partner and it was really hard to find myself again.

It will get better, if you let yourself to think more logically. Some things aren’t meant to be. You can be in love with someone, and they will love you back but sometimes if its not meant to be – you will be separated anyways. That is what happened to me. I realise that the term “love” itself isn’t enough for a relationship to continue.

I am 19 and you are 20. We are very close in age, you must have heard a lot of people says how lucky you are for being so young and how it is not worth it to cry over a break up. I am hear to tell you : you can cry and you can grief.

Time will slowly heal you, if you let time in. You will be able to see things more clearly in the next 3 months. Relationships does not work out sometimes, and that is okay. There will be another relationship. This another one will probably be a better one for you too. This ex partner of yours isn’t the one for you for all those obvious reasons you have stated. If there is anything that I can give you advice on, please do not let a break up turn your dignity into dust.

Stop contacting or hoping he would go back to you. Do not hate him either, think about him as a friend. Or someone that you used to share a lot of good memories with. Being with him was a blessing and a lesson. You were happy to be with someone that you truly loved, but turned out – being with him also taught you a few important lessons in life.

First break ups are always hard, I had mine when I was 15 and I thought that I was going to die. I clearly did not die, I lived my life again happily, even more happily than before and found my recent ex partner that I loved very much maybe more than my first love (or first break up)

You will find someone else that will love you very much, someday.

-Mina x