Grundfield,

Looks like you’ve gotten some solid advice from everyone, but I would like to throw in one last thing – don’t forget about yourself in all of this. Yes, it is absolutely critical you not pressure her, listen, etc., but remember *you are also in this marriage*. It sounds like you’re doing a good job of vocalizing your fears to her, which is really important, but your work doesn’t stop there. Since you’re having to walk that fine of line of giving her space *and* honoring your own feelings, it’s critical you reach out to friends and family to vent to and lean on for support. I would also maybe consider seeking out a therapist for yourself who’s dealt with individuals going through separations. They’ll give you the emotional and communication tools you’ll need to deal with this very difficult situation.

Best of luck!

Dear grundfield:

If you could come to a place in your head where you can listen to her like a friend, that is, if you can weaken your fear of divorce and become her friend at this point, a friend who is not invested in getting back with her as a married couple, IF you are able and express that to her, then she is more likely to be motivated to share with you what is going on.

She wants the therapy for herself alone because she wants to express things there that she doesn’t want you to hear, could be about her life before you met her and her life with you, involving you.

I think that your best bet is to see if you can become that friend. What do you have to lose? You are already separated; the marriage might not be revived. You are currently not her partner in marriage, so why not be a friend?

Try to visualize that, see if you can become that, a friend only, so you can be involved as a friend?

anita

Dear G:

Reality doesn’t accommodate wishful thinking. Doesn’t matter how badly you want to get back together with her, your wanting and thinking it is not going to make it so. Your best bet is to be her friend. To be her friend, you’d need to accept the possibility that… being her friend may be the most you will ever be for her. Accepting the possibility that your marriage is over will not make it over or even make your marriage more likely to be over.

Accepting the possibility that your marriage is over will increase the chances that it is NOT over because it will make it possible for you to be her friend. Being her friend can be the beginning of a better-than-ever marriage.

Try to meditate on it being over, think of it and breathe deeply. Again and again until you can think of it without the desperation of past. Do so because it is the best thing you can do FOR the marriage.

anita

Dear G:

Good. And please post again. It can be very helpful to you to return to this thread, re-read posts and continue to communicate during what may be a long process of uncertainty. Of course, the more information you can get from her – as a non- threatening, non- pressuring friend, the less uncertainty there will be.

anita