So, i knew something was up with me for a while now.. i was always being tired and sore, i just turned 23 and i feel like ive lived a whole lifetime. I knew i was someone who thinks alot and worries a little to much but i never thought more of it. Right now i dont even know what to write down or how to write it down, i want to tell my story, and i also think i know that i can write it down here and not one of you will jugde but thats what worries me. Al my worries are running on a loop but changing all the time. – now back to what i wanted to tell in the first place. Ive learned that all people have needs that need to be met. I have alot of them unmet right now. So i guess in someway i try to meet them myself. I need love. everyone does. and when i think there is a possibillity i reach for it .. way to greedy because my fears are telling me i need to in some way. I did it again. I knew him for a while already and we also worked together at a restaurant for a while. i have always kind of liked him in some way but never did anythig with it. although he would always contact me to hang out sometime. i never did this untill a week or so ago.
We were having contact trough messages and arranged a date, we went for a drink and i had a really good night with him.
During all this i was feeling so anxious and so many thoughts were racing trough my head and i couldnt even tell u exactly what they were right now ( sorry if my english grammers are off ) ( also something that worries me this moment ) But i just wasnt feeling good although nothing was really wrong and actually good,

2 days later i saw him again, we met at his temporary home, a farm in the middle of nowhere.
So i went there, and when he picked me up from the station and arrived at his place i found out he also had a roommate – no problem u might think but there my mind went.. all kinds of thought on a loop.
So i had to deal with that. He was actually very nice and i think i spoke to him more then my ”date”.
they are starting a bussiness together and are really busy doing that, my ”date” was mostly working on his website.
At this time in my country its winter and snowing.. so we couldnt really go out because the trains werent driving anymore so we couldnt go anywhere. wich also meant that i wasnt able to go home that night. So i stayed over.. and you can already guess what happend. It felt good but bad at the same time, i wasnt enjoying the moment because i was busy in my head overthinking if it was a smart decision or not. If he wouldnt contact me anymore after this night, and he litterally told me he wouldnt do that,

So the next day it was snowing even worse, his roommate was also still here and i just wanted to get home most of the time.
So i was planning my trip home wich was 2 hours on my phone. The app that i was using told me that all the trains were cancelled and i couldnt get home. I had to stay another night. my ”date” was really sweet about it all and took great care of me and his roommate/friend was very nice to me to. But after this night i even believed that he didnt like me for some reason and just wantend me to go home already. the last day is was there his friend went to work and we had time alone. I couldnt even talk to him, i didnt know what to talk about, nothing.. he must have been so bored with me.

When i finnaly got home that night i felt the urge to ask him how he felt about the last couple of days,
And he gave me an honest answer telling me he basicly just wanted to go with the flow, and see how it goes.
Ps. hes also moving back to spain in a month..
For some reason i read his answer like this ; I dont want you, i just wanted your body and ill be gone in a month,
I totally broke down alone in my bed, and started typing thing to him: that i wanted to let him know that im not the kind of girl that just ***** around.. i was being very agressive in defending myself. I was in panic mode..
I apologized in the morning because knew the way i behaved wasnt really right, Even he knew somethin was up with me.
i thought i ruined every chance with him but were now still talking and ill maybe see him tommorow. But right now im constantly thinking that he doesnt want me and im just in for another heartbreak. I dont know whats reality and thoughts anymore,

I realized then.. that i might have anxiety or something down that road..
Right know im waiting for an appointment with a therapist.

I wonder if someone understand what im ttrying so say.
Thankyou for reading..

• This topic was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.