Finding out who you are with or without boyfriend?

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by H.

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December 1, 2013 at 8:00 am #46022

H
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Hi!

I’m in a situation where I’m having doubts about my relationship. It’s always difficult to explain every detail, so I’ll try to make it simple. (though it’s not)

I’m 23 now and I’m a girl! I’ve dealt a lot with my self-esteem and just my whole life finding out who i am. (like everyone else)

My childhood was difficult since my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. She has had it for several years now and she’s coping up till now. That in it self is a bless. The problem with this, other than the obvious troubled feelings, is that my mother has never been there emotionally for me. She has had a tough childhood and her affections toward me and my brother has always been kinda stiff and very strict with yelling at me for dumb reasons and saying things like ” you feel sorry for yourself? What about me, don’t you think I’m having more pain than you” – this were said in a situation where I was 11 and needed a hug and her attention emotionally.

I’ve always been very introvert and haven’t ever allowed myself to live fully through anything. I’ve always been that type who were too attached to my boyfriends which always complicated things. So in a way I’ve been very dependent on someones love for me.

My relationship with my boyfriend:

We met 3 years ago. So its a 3 year old relationship. He’s 29. We’ve dealt with infidelity (from his side), he had a child with a woman one month before we ever met (a woman who wanted his attention that way) which was very difficult to handle, and I was extremely jealous. His father died of cancer half a year after we met.

The crazy thing is – right now AFTER all this hassle, we’re having the best times we’ve ever had in our relationship. I’ve dealt with my jealousy and I’m feeling like I’m growing and finding myself for the first time in my life.

I’ve never felt more free than I do now and I’m seeing opportunities everywhere I want to travel places and see the world (which he really supports)

The only problem is, that I’m not sure if I love my boyfriend anymore.

He’s the sweetest and most caring man and he is really there for me. We have really worked hard on EVERY aspect of this relationship. And now it’s perfect. I even mentioned my doubt about all this and he totally felt for me and understood. He’s really nice like that.

I’m torn. I’ve found my freedom and who I want to be, but I’m not sure I can evolve in this relationship. I even get physically attracted to other men and cant stop thinking about everything else than him.

Can you really get to a point where you grow apart or am I just being selfish? I really feel like I’ve done so much for my boyfriend and now I feel like I have always been neglecting my own life.

I sure love him when i think it through but I’m not sure Im attracted anymore.

I feel so bad and don’t know if I’m about to make a mistake. Should I work on it or leave to find myself?

Thank you for reading this and hope to get some advise.

– H

December 1, 2013 at 6:36 pm #46038

B.freed
Participant

Love is a complicated thing, and there are many types of love! I have loved a few men in my life and no two experiences were ever alike. Relationships, especially those of an intimate and romantic nature, are so carefully woven together with every word, embrace, shared experience and challenge we face together as a “couple”. It is my opinion that all too often, we allow the lines to become blurred which divide our own needs from the obligations we may feel toward our partner and the relationship as a whole. I just left a 3-year relationship (2 of which we were engaged) and let’s just say we will not be taking that plunge down the aisle together! However, I am trying to take the good from my experience and even though it was a turbulent and painful ending, I’ve come to realize this: Everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason, whether its to walk part of our journey with us, or to be with us for life. I think that many of us make the mistake of missing the “red flags” or ignoring the “gut feelings” we sometimes have that try to tell us that perhaps this person is no longer the one for us… Sure, he might be very nice, and supportive toward you, but ask yourself this (and be honest when you do): “Is this the best for ME?” Sometimes we don’t want to hear the answer because it would mean having to give up our comfort, security, and to replace it with new people and/or surroundings that will reflect us more accurately as we are RIGHT NOW. There were many times in my own relationship where I secretly wondered to myself if it was truly right, and if I had been willing to be a little more honest with myself and leave the situation sooner, it likely wouldn’t have spiraled into what eventually became a dark and negative fallout between two really great people who were just really wrong for eachother! Follow your gut. Don’t be afraid. You know what’s best.

December 1, 2013 at 9:50 pm #46058

moodring
Participant

@H I totally agree with @B.freed! I couldn’t have said that better myself.

Despite all the obstacles you have overcome together, life goes on and feelings change. When it’s time to move on I believe your subconscious mind tells your body to give you that signal or “gut feeling.” All these experiences you’ve had with your mom and the drama with him does not lead you into a life where whatever your doing and feels comfortable is the end all be all. don’t be afraid to go out and try new experiences!

if anything, it is great you are recognizing your need to get out there and explore, while others (such as myself did once) can suppress those feelings and stick with something that just never feels quite right only because it’s familiar.

and hey girl i am 23 too! with no responsibilities of a child yourself and the freedom to do want you want to do it while you can should be the top of your to do list! I feel like our 20’s are our selfish years and we find out more and more about ourselves as the years go on. so the more self-expoloring and self-awareness you do now the more you will learn about what you really want in life as it comes.

good luck :)~

December 2, 2013 at 12:16 pm #46083

Jade
Participant

It’s funny how so many women confuse “honouring my own dreams and desires” with “I’m being selfish and must sacrifice my happiness to make this other person happy”! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with out-growing a relationship when it no longer fulfills your need. Think about it another way, if your boyfriend told you he was only with you out of obligation and not genuine desire, wouldn’t that feel crummy? If you set yourself free, you will set him free as well, as painful as it might feel in the beginning.

December 3, 2013 at 6:09 am #46130

Joanna Warwick
Participant

I just want to say that I think everyone is giving you the same great advice – to follow your intuition/instinct/gut is how we are supposed to live and if we cant honour that completely without shame then we are not really being honest in a relationship anyway…
You are very young and still finding yourself and that is a wonderful journey – trust that you can be alone and that your intuition or gut is on the nail… LOve does come in many forms and what may have been right in the beginning has changed and you have both changed and that is OK – now maybe its time to learn that is OK to let go and love yourself more…xx

December 3, 2013 at 6:30 am #46135

H
Participant

I guess it’s true – when your gut tells you something you have to follow that intuition. I also believe that it is the unknown that makes me afraid of taking the plunge.

It’s really hard to be more selfish when you’re used to be there a 100 % for others and you’re not living your own life to the fullest.

I really hope I can make the leap into a more independent life!

Thank you all so very much for your response on this. It really has helped me to get a better and more “whole” view on all this.

Your words truly helps!

– H xx
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