dear L:

When I wrote above about people in pain inflicting pain on others; their pain not being a license to hurt another- I wasn’t thinking of your husband- forgot about him when I wrote what I did, but it is very relevant to him. Bad, bad habit on his part: feeling his pain-> passing it on to you. Temporary relief is his payoff. It will be very difficult for him to break this pattern, this habit even if he is completely committed. If he goes to therapy, a good therapist would want to see the two of you together so to teach him and have him practice interpersonal skills with you, such as how to communicate respectfully WHEN in pain.

A good therapist would see that priority number one is establishing good interpersonal skills between the two of you. Not resolving his pain first, but TEACH HIM HOW TO NOT LASH OUT AT YOU WHILE HE IS IN PAIN.

The conversation with him today is part of that roller-coaster ride, isn’t it?

By the way, I can’t imagine his problem being a mid life crisis. It seems to me a deeper issue going back to his childhood. Maybe it seemed like he was okay before the three years but his past caught up with him… and unfortunately for you, his past caught up with you as well.

If I was you I would divorce him as soon as possible, put an end to it. And resurrect my career and live life away from the same old same old… you paid your price to Misery by having had the mother you had, and then you paid more in the last three years. Really, you had no debt to Misery, no price to pay, but you paid anyway.

Enough!

anita

Dear L:
I think we’ve been posting at the same time so we didn’t read each others’ posts. I will wait then.
anita

Dear L:

I don’t think it is possible to live life without regrets. I also believe that just because nobody is perfect does not mean we should tolerate such gross imperfections by others, such as lashing out. Even if you did in the past (I have), it doesn’t mean that once you corrected this behavior yourself, that you should forever pay the price in enduring the same from another.

The therapist you described, not a good one. Like I wrote, should have started with interpersonal skills, first and highest priority, not with your childhood or his. How to interact NOW is the basis of all else.

You don’t want to think in the future: maybe if I gave him this chance, maybe he would have healed and all would be well… if this is your motivation, then giving him another chance will be the answer… but maybe not:

If I am getting it correctly, if THIS chance does not work out, he (and the therapist you described) will be blaming you. Following that, you will need to give him another chance with a better you. Maybe next time YOU will do it right so he can heal. Getting insane, says I.

Look, L: If his pattern is to BLAME you and you have already taken the blame, then this is all futile- you are stuck in a situation where you cannot win.

anita

Dear L:

If you attend therapy with him again, as couple therapy, make sure the therapist works on Interpersonal Skills. One term taught to me in such was EAR, stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. He needs to talk with you respectfully, to assert himself fairly and respectfully. So do not be passive if you attend therapy, take an active, directive part.

If you give him another chance, again, do not take a passive part. Do things DIFFERENTLY than before. Not the same. Different. Do not trust words, or time but take reasonable control of what is happening. Talk to him on an ongoing basis (with breaks), ask questions. Ask for clarification. Learn to see if indeed he is healing. Since you broke your patterns from the past, you know how breaking patterns look like, so SEE and remain aware of whether he is sincerely healing.

People often START, with good intentions, to walk the path of healing and mending and then it gets too difficult and they leave the path. This is the norm. Pay attention then.

Post anytime.

anita

Hello L

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Yes I know I deserve better and that this journey ahead will be a better life for me with/without a man. While I fear what is ahead, I am embracing it. Like yourself, mid-last year I had realised that I needed to start on the path of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go to heal properly. I was doing well – got a job promotion on my birthday, refurnished the house to what I wanted and took control of the property settlement which got signed off before Christmas.

Finding out about this ‘other’ woman was a blow, as I thought he held the same values on marriage or held some respect for me as the mother of our two beautiful daughters to ‘wait’ until after the divorce. I’ve realised now that he is not the man I had married, that our values different.

It will be a painful journey, but as long as I hold on to my values on this journey ahead, have self compassion on the emotions I feel, and lead the life I want to have, I know it will be all okay.

I hope you’ve had a better day. Hugs to you. xx

Jan